I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

Well, my W filed back in Nov, but it has been tabled until early October. It feels like I am carrying a time bomb...

Per the DB Counselor, she tells me that there are signs of ambivalence. One of them is her "inactions" - or not actively pursuing the D. She does speak of things at times as though she's still full steam ahead with it... I'm reminded of the "actions speak louder than words" bit by the counselor.

I continue to DB...by treating her like I might treat a friend at work, doing 180's (we've had a couple of tense conv recently, and I did not even raise my voice...cool as a cucumber...and was able to de-escalate her anger), and working more on the GAL. I find I am pretty busy.

One thing my DB C wanted me to do is to do things with people more... Unfortunately most of my friends are coworkers, and they all have jobs and families and kids, so there's little opportunity to get one of them to break away from their families and do something with me.

It seems that most (not all) folks here have spouses that have not yet filed for D... In a strange way I envy them, for time might be on their side. I only have 2 months or so left before we would really need to go back to the mediator and hack apart our lives. I hope it doesn't get to that, but who knows...

I would like to detach, only because it seems to be the recommended advice. However, I seem to have some mixed results by showing interest. We have had a couple of simple dates, which went really well. However, I tried again, and pressured her recently, and in the end it just didn't work out...partly timing, moreso pressuring, I think. I didn't meant to pressure her, but I look back and clearly did. And, this event was days after some uncomfortable conversation...so it was truly a recipe for disaster. So, I'm going to cool my jets for a while and do my thing, and on my days with the kids just have a great time with them...

I find if I engage her in conversation, she responds. Often she even initiates it - like tonight when I dropped off the kids (we are sep and I am not living at home) - she spoke about the extreme weather in the area, and I responded to that. I have been trying to show compassion by offering genuine compliments (not lots, but appropriate ones - her love language I believe is 'words of affirmation' - and she seems appreciative of that). I find that if I give in a bit to things (like changes in the kids schedule with me) that she often gives in too. Also, if I don't pressure, or don't bring up uncomfortable conv with her, we get along great, and she's very nice to me. I've been patient for along time...but I think I just need to keep waiting it out, while doing the right things in the mean time.

Maybe going back to what has been working before - giving her space, staying on the 180's....being the friend who is "around" but not there....