I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[Mach1]

Hey Dave,

Just a few things.....


To be a success here, It means that you have to heal YOU. And you really have to let go for that to happen. To really realize that you have NO CONTROL aver anything but yourself and the parent that you want to be for your children.

By the looks of your register date and your signature, you are probably just coming into a lot of anger realizing that this is really happening to YOU. That there will be no magic pill that will alleviate this. This is a path that needs to be walked in order for some normalcy to roll around again.

Take this time, and really take a hard look at yourself. Ask yourself if you are really who YOU want to be right now and for the future. Look at this time as an oppurtunity for you to find yourself too.

When I realized that......was when I made the most progress for me. When I realized that I was going to have to actually do the work instead of the facade that I was working....

Those kinds of changes aren't real, and it will show eventually.

There is nothing going on that she doesn't control right now....That is part of the process, and it is easy as hell to get sucked in for the good of the relationship. In actuality, the old relationship is dead to her, and it needs to be that way for you too. It has to in order for you to heal for your next relationship, and it just may......be with your wife.

You asked a question on Holly6 "s thread that I wanted to address to you.....

There is no one specific thing that you need to look at as a magic pill.

This is a process that you BOTH will have to follow...

Use this time wisely, and for you and the kids. It really does make it easier....

Strive to do better everday, with Dignity, Honor , and Grace.....

M1

[1853dave]

Thanks Mach1,

You are telling me things I already know, but need to hear them again and again. That's why I read parts of DR over and over almost daily.

There is no one magic pill - if there was, we would all have fixed our R's by now.... I was just wondering what worked for Holly... We learn from others here as well.

I have been getting better at taking care of myself, and doing things to make myself feel better, but as you know, thoughts of the sitch are right around every corner waiting to ambush you. It is hard not to dwell on how dismal things look right now...yet I am getting a little better at replacing those thoughts with more positive things, and I wake up each day wondering how this day might make things a little better than before.

I do try to use my time wisely. This is time to prepare for the new future, whatever that may be.

[Mach1]

Dave,

Good for you...

This crap can consume a person QUICK !

Sometimes it's about waking up and DECIDING to have a good day, and let the demons stay at home.

[1853dave]

Yes, M1, you are correct on all points.

[MrBond]

1853dave,

You mentioned that your W's inaction was a result of ambivalence. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? What are you doing in terms of DB?

My W is the same way. She complained about wanting a D, living on her own, etc. yet she hasn't done anything to move towards a D.

[1853dave]

Well, my W filed back in Nov, but it has been tabled until early October. It feels like I am carrying a time bomb...

Per the DB Counselor, she tells me that there are signs of ambivalence. One of them is her "inactions" - or not actively pursuing the D. She does speak of things at times as though she's still full steam ahead with it... I'm reminded of the "actions speak louder than words" bit by the counselor.

I continue to DB...by treating her like I might treat a friend at work, doing 180's (we've had a couple of tense conv recently, and I did not even raise my voice...cool as a cucumber...and was able to de-escalate her anger), and working more on the GAL. I find I am pretty busy.

One thing my DB C wanted me to do is to do things with people more... Unfortunately most of my friends are coworkers, and they all have jobs and families and kids, so there's little opportunity to get one of them to break away from their families and do something with me.

It seems that most (not all) folks here have spouses that have not yet filed for D... In a strange way I envy them, for time might be on their side. I only have 2 months or so left before we would really need to go back to the mediator and hack apart our lives. I hope it doesn't get to that, but who knows...

I would like to detach, only because it seems to be the recommended advice. However, I seem to have some mixed results by showing interest. We have had a couple of simple dates, which went really well. However, I tried again, and pressured her recently, and in the end it just didn't work out...partly timing, moreso pressuring, I think. I didn't meant to pressure her, but I look back and clearly did. And, this event was days after some uncomfortable conversation...so it was truly a recipe for disaster. So, I'm going to cool my jets for a while and do my thing, and on my days with the kids just have a great time with them...

I find if I engage her in conversation, she responds. Often she even initiates it - like tonight when I dropped off the kids (we are sep and I am not living at home) - she spoke about the extreme weather in the area, and I responded to that. I have been trying to show compassion by offering genuine compliments (not lots, but appropriate ones - her love language I believe is 'words of affirmation' - and she seems appreciative of that). I find that if I give in a bit to things (like changes in the kids schedule with me) that she often gives in too. Also, if I don't pressure, or don't bring up uncomfortable conv with her, we get along great, and she's very nice to me. I've been patient for along time...but I think I just need to keep waiting it out, while doing the right things in the mean time.

Maybe going back to what has been working before - giving her space, staying on the 180's....being the friend who is "around" but not there....

[1853dave]

OK, so I haven't been posting much, because I have slowed down...kind of re-evaluating things, and thinking more about taking care of myself, working, running, swimming, reading, doing stuff with the kids, stuff like that. Still rowing that Limbo Boat upstream, as many of us are doing. Still doing my best to give her space, still appreciate every day that goes by that STILL nothing bad happens...(still waiting for something good from her, though...) Learning to be patient beyond patience...

So, in short, we're still status quo. Which I am currently accepting as OK. Not great, but not bad.... Just OK. And, for right now, that's still OK.

So, I ordered the DVD "Fireproof" online yesterday - and 15 minutes later a coworker hands me the dvd she ordered on Netflix (!) - funny how that happened. Anyway, I watched it last night. At first I wasn't real impressed with the acting, but I stuck it out and it got better...and I liked the message.

For those who are not familiar, the movie revolves around a husband (firefighter) doing the 40 day "Love Dare" in an effort to save his marriage. In the end of the movie, he succeeds, but along the way it seems hopeless. I know I experienced many of the same emotions that the husband did in the movie (and I bet many of you have also).

So, my question is this: Has anyone on the forum utilized the Love Dare with success? I do not doubt its validity - I'd like to implement it ASAP (and have probably done many of the steps with Divorce Busting). But, how do you implement the Love Dare while Divorce Busting? Can it be done? I see a lot of the Love Dare showing interest and pursuing...certainly NOT detaching.

Can someone weigh in on this? I know there's no "one answer fits all" but I would think that a blend of both teachings might be a fit for some people.

I'm nearly done with reading "The Five Love Languages." Very insightful. I liked it a lot - but I again have questions... How do you implement some of THOSE techniques while DBing? I think my W's love language is "words of affirmation" with "quality time" a close second. I've been working more compliments into my interactions with her, and she does thank me for them (which is somewhat of a 180 for her - as she used to just roll her eyes or brush them off as though they were insincere).

I wish everyone a happy and peaceful 4th of July holiday.

[1853dave]

Had a great weekend with the kids...and some friendly interaction with the W. She was cooperative when we were negotiating time with the kids (as was I). Nothing bad to report.

Since I had a 3 day weekend, I asked W Friday morning if she wanted to go for a walk up to the coffee shop this weekend. She said, "I'll see - it depends on what I get done today." Translation: "Probably no!" Hmmm... We went a couple of times before, and had a nice time both times (she even said so). So, I didn't ask her about it any more this weekend, and she didn't bring it up either.

Still haven't had any feedback from the forun regarding The Love Dare, or speaking in the Five Love Languages. Any thoughts on how to do this while keeping within the DB principles?

I am trying to apply what I can....but trying not to overstep any boundaries. Giving positive feedback, complimenting (sincerely, btw); small kind gestures (when kids last spent the night, I sent them home with fresh washed clothes in their suitcase, since the washing machine at home is on the blink) - stuff like that.

I suppose any of that could be perceived as pursuing. Just how much can a person safely do? The Love Dare has you do a number of kind gestures which would seem to go against the DBer's creed.

I suppose it is just a matter of trying things out and monitoring the results. Anyone else have thoughts on this? What seems to work for you?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The Love Dare has come up on some other threads recently, and most of the responders felt like it WAS pursuing, and anti-DB. I tend to agree.

I think it may work when both spouses are re-committed to the marriage, and are in "piecing," but not when one of the spouses is still wayward, and CERTAINLY not when there is still infidelity involved.

Puppy

[1853dave]

Thanks PDT,

It is difficult at times to choose the right tool for the job, so to speak. I like a lot of the Love Dare concepts, but it does fly in the face of the DB rules.... At times, almost polar opposite advice from each other.

My DB counselor often advises me to try something different that I haven't tried before, and then monitor the results. I know I still catch myself doing some pursuing behavior at times, as slight or as innocent as it may be (to me anyway). I don't know that the Love Dare would be a good thing for me to use right now. Maybe it would have been a year ago...

I did call her (W) yesterday morning to tell her I had a great weekend with the girls (C said to try it, if I haven't been doing it before -another 180), and I thanked her for always having them dressed nice, looking nice, and always ready to go with me. She seemed receptive to the compliments (she has been lately) and I wished her a great day as the weather was perfect, and they were all going to the zoo. Last night the kids called me, and then W got on the phone and talked to me for 10 minutes or more - very friendly, and she sounded upbeat and happy. Gotta keep that happiness going!