I haven't posted in a while; I guess I wanted to try to find a peace within myself and its been very up and down. I am not coping too well; its half three in the morning and I have had a disturbed sleep; woken up and thought, yes, its time to write again.
Things have been quiet my end in terms of incidents, my H does not have ANY contact with me unless its relation to our D. When he does leave a phone message at home he states very clearly that he wants to speak to D and gets off the phone. There is NO discussion about me, my mother, my health, my life, my work, the house (which is still ironically half his home).His lack of emotion is frightening.
We had a brief chat last Tuesday morning about mediation which we have this morning. I am not entirely convinced by it but I understand taht we have to be seen to be trying this method as we need to work out access and it is contentious on a number of fronts; primarily whether my H is going to slepp in the house/stay overnight during the week. He wants to, I dont think its appropriate as he is now living with OW. Does any one have any experience in relation to this issue and could tehy advise. I firmly feel that this is morally inept, confusing for our D and in some ways precipitating further upset for her by creating new and ongoing tension between us in the house if he does return.
We had another court hearing on Monday; I have finally been awarded maintenance which is such a relief.It was settled away from the judge so it isn't a court order and therefore doesn't set a precedent;my H is still under protection order though. Both are going to be held in a full hearing at the end of September; if I don't drop the safety order before then.I am relieved that my H will finally have to pay me money which is so needed at the moment. I have gone for 6 months without him paying one cent in child or spousal maintenance and it has been so, so difficult. I feel ambivalent at best about the sfaety order; I have s many people saying that its important that its still in place so that I and my daughter have protection, and that the only reason that he has behaved over this period is that he is under the protection order that he has already breached once. I understand where they are coming from but my morality speaks so strongly; I don't know whether these orders have been the best or the worse thing for my R with my H.I dont know whether through my need to take them out I have in some way sabotaged the possibility of reconciliation in teh future or whether I have defined teh way that he will view me and, in a sense, the way I may perceive him, in the future.
This leads me to the struggles taht I face now in terms of his lack of emotion towards me. I should be happy (and I am) that he is not blocking out our D as I know some WAH do. This relieves me. She deserves her Daddy. But where I am concerned he has emotionally switched me off. COMPLETELY. I wonder whether it is MLC, or just not caring about me, literally being FULLY OVER ME and in a a new emotional life with OW. It has been 6 months since my H walked out on me and our D. 6 long and tortuous months. In that time there have been huge pluses, huge opportunities for growth and huge, huge upset. An emotional rollercoaster. The more I read about MLC, there more I do realise my husbands links to MLC and it does give me a valid place to hang my beliefs and opinions. Yes, as far as I am concerned, he snapped about me, our M and living with me at the end of January; OW was then in the picture in EA/PA and that was that. The person that I have loved and still do was gone. he person who has loved me, supported me, cared for me was gone and is now replaced by a man who knows of my suffering, both emotionally and in terms of my health and does not say ANYTHING to me about it. Is this normal MLC behaviour?
The problem is, and I know this might seem strange to everyone out there, Snodderly, Peace, Sandi I would very much welcome your thoughts on this. I still love my H. I married for life, I believe in God and that he hates divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still have some hope, almost like trying to keep the door open but GAL at the same time. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM. There is no pressure. I talk with him about our D when needed, either in person, text or email. Aside from this contact there is NOTHING. He does not speak to me when there is exchange/crossover of our D in the house; ignores me unless there is a pressing issue about D and then of curse he will acknowledge me and I will respond, usually well although sometimes I do find it difficult.I am concerned that it is not in our D's best interests that we do not speak when she is present but even though my H says he is more than happy to talk to me in theory, in practice he RARELY does, and always not personal.I find this soul destroying. I have suffered so much in the past 6 months, especially with my health and there is nothing, nothing at the moment that would suggest that we have been in a marriage emotionally, he has ripped it apart and cruelly taken it away. I have NO CONTACT with my step-daughters at his and now their insistence, his family that I have always been close to over the last ten years I now have no contact with in any way and my SIL is dying as we speak. I am in real grief about not seeing them, it is such a loss. My SIL (other one, not the one who is dying) was with my H at court the other day. It is the first time that I have seen her since I was in her house at the end of Jan, when my H was leaving and I didn't understand what was going on. I was obviously distraught and she was trying to tell me to "pull myself together". She has not contacted me since and when she saw me out the front of the courthouse she just stared at me blankly and then forced the most grimacing smile at me I have ever seen, then proceeded to walk off in the other direction with my H. My heart broke. Literally broke. I have always been close to her, I went into labour with our D in her house. Now this.
My H's coldness......He spoke to em Monday morning (in teh mediation discussion) and summarised our situation as it currently stands from his perspective. It was so hurtful; like readinga shopping list/or a recipe.
"We have been together ten years, married for 6 of them. Now we are not and wont be. We need to find a new dispensation, a new way of living"
End of discussion. Cold, unfeeling, no emotion. Like someone describing ingredients and directions of how to make a cake. s this MLC behaviour? Or is it simply now, after 6 months of unrelenting focus and resolve (admittedly mixed with tears and other small confusions at times), a situation where he has literally GOT OVER ME. but if so, why cant he ask me how I am, about my life, talk to me as a human being and not as an automon mother?
I am sorry if I keep going round in circles. I guess I am hoping that it is a WAH in MLC here. It would give me perameters which I can understand.
I have also been sitting with the possibility that in a lot of ways I have been going through my own version of a MLC over the last 5 years, it manifesting itself through my drive with my career and my work. I have COME OUT OF THE FOG only to find that my H is NOW IN THE FOG.
Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
Thanks for taking time to read my posting, I am very appreciative everyone. Snodderly and Sandi, it would be wonderful to hear your insights.
I am trying to let go and let God and stay positive about my life but I feel that there is no hope for my M. I want to think that even if this M is dead that there can be a way forward for me and my H in the future in a new and even better R but he seems to not want that in any way. He has said that our M is dead, his love for me is dead and when something is dead it can never be revived.I am a person who does believe in the realm of possibility in life but he has said that he sees no possibility here. And there is nothing I can do except just stand back and see the love of my life, my H, move off and live a life, whatever it is (fling/relationship) with OW. I just don't know where there is hope here.
do any of you or have any of you heard of sitch's that have been like this, or worse, where couples have then down the road reconciled and found each other again. He seems to have gone and moved so far away. Our lives are so far apart at his insistence.
