I Love You But...

[eternaloptimist]

Hi! Thanks for thinking of me. What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been. The vaca at the beach wasn't so great. My constant nausea didn't subside until day 4 (lost 28 lbs. so far) and then the phone calls with my H were very unpleasant. Our son didn't want to talk to him on the phone, so of course I got blamed for that. I tried really hard to relax on the vaca, but my grief and despair overcame me a lot of the days...

Trying to detach and be strong. But basically I feel like it's all over for us. Everyone keeps telling me to just accept what he wants and move on. I feel like I've been trying to "give up" but the part of me that doesn't want the divorce will just not die. What does this mean? Am I THAT co-dependent? Am I that afraid to feel the pain? My heart just aches. I have such an utter disgust for divorce and really do not want my family to fall apart.

My H did not know that the therapist had lost her job. He seemed surprised when I finally told him. My guess is that she is now trying to salvage her life sans the job and sans the possibility of EVER getting a job as a social worker in this state.

Nevertheless, H is planning to move out at the beginning of August and we'll be separated. (No legal separation in my state.) Will he get some clarity and change his mind? H has said, "Maybe...but it's doubtful" in a nasty and sarcastic tone. He says he's just "tired" and can't stand the constant fighting. I really don't think he'll ever see our marriage in any positive light, no matter how much I DB or be nice to him. Earlier this week though, when I came home from work I found him on the couch looking as if he'd been crying. I was strong and asked him if there was anything I could do to help. I was there to comfort him about his sadness that our son won't be in his life every day. I said a lot of very positive things like that I would never do anything to hurt his relationship with our son, that I want him to find a nice place to live, that I'd help him move, that he could take whatever furniture he'd need, that I will never do anything to prevent him from seeing our son, etc. I know he's been avoiding confronting his feelings about not seeing our son everyday. So I reached out to him and he actually cried in front of me and hugged me. He told me tonight that he was telling all of his friends "how nice" I've been. But then we had a fight tonight and he said "I shouldn't have believed you were really being nice to me." Backsliding again!

Then he went out of town for work for a night. Our phone calls were short and cordial, and I know he was with work people b/c I saw the conference paperwork, saw who he carpooled with, etc. No more "I Love Yous" at all, no more little kisses at the door. I stopped doing any of this stuff, but now I think I should have kept it up b/c it seems like it was making things better. When he got home tonight, we had some tense discussions and fighting.

I'm so lost with all of this. Do I just give up now? When do I know it's time to give up? Once he moves out, some of my friends think he's going to sink deeper into a depression and come crawling back to me. How on Earth can I DB when he's not in the house?