Where to start?

[dmkdmkdmk]

So I was thinking about whether I should bring this up tonight - I might let H know I scheduled another appointment with MC for before he leaves for a month because I wanted to know we were on the same page with some of the stuff he said.

I figure if he wants to talk about it without the "translator" we can talk about it, but otherwise I like the "safe place" where we can talk about the R... so I'll just not say anything without him bringing it up...

Honestly, the thing that I think I know the answer to and talked about in my last little post there -

What does he expect to get out of a marriage/out of family that he's not getting?

Why isn't he getting it?

I think it's not necessarily me standing in the way - he's definitely not getting anything by going home to an empty apartment at the end of the day - I think it's just that we've both become so rigid in terms of spending money and scheduling time. We BOTH feel so guilty for not spending enough time with our daughter that we make it all about her. Therefore, we DON'T make time for each other because it takes away from time with DD...

I could easily rephrase the question for myself too. At the rate we were going, it felt like we had stepped onto the express train by accident and we weren't taking any of the fun stops along the way - too much "Go, go, go!"

I'm trying to look at the separation as pulling the e-brake... but unfortunately it's going to go a few more miles before we can get off the train and get back to "sightseeing" because of H's schedule?

I don't know, make any sense? How's that for a metaphor?

I feel like I've already jumped the train and started enjoying the slow ride... I'm just going it alone for a while... and hope H meets back up with me eventually...

[dmkdmkdmk]

*sigh* I just keep trying to remind myself that time is on my side, time is on my side, time is on my side...

I miss the physical connection so much - because it feels a lot of the time now like we talk, and joke, and laugh like nothing's wrong. He calls me at various times throughout the day just to check and see how my day is going. I share all of my fun DD anecdotes and we talk about current events and news. I'll try to also remind myself that building the kind of marriage I want, and becoming the kind of person I want to be - both will take time... It's like I feel I should get a hug or something when he's on his way out, because it's really very pleasant between us...

Tonight is my Friday - I have the day off with DD all day tomorrow, hopefully the AC guy will get here quickly and fix what's wrong. Then I have an appointment to get my hair colored... going out for pancakes tomorrow night with my married/pregnant girlfriends. Was hoping to get a sitter for Saturday night - but I don't want to overuse my mom and H wants to go out on Saturday. H is taking DD on Sunday, so I'm going to go see a movie with a friend or something...

I found a local "Fit Mommy" group on meetup.com... I'm already looking forward to getting my post-baby body back! It might be easier to lure my H into bed if I'm not carrying a basketball in front of me... :P (stupid hormones... if I even got anywhere close to doing the deed, I'd probably get too tired/uncomfortable anyway!)

[dl443322]

Hey, dm, I have not read through all your threads but wanted to stop by.

I see my friend Mach has been by. He will get you thinking, believe me.

Just a couple of things I wanted to run by you. First, this is hard stuff, really hard. Go easy on yourself. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

It would help if you keep your expectations regarding your h and what he says and does really low.

I know the physical connection is something you miss. It's been two years for me and its very hard. But, you really need to put that on the back burner right now. You have other stuff to concentrate on.

Remember that dbing is a way of life. It's really about finding out what makes you happy, becoming the best person you can be, and changing the things about yourself that YOU want to change. And sometimes, it saves marriages.

Hang in there. YOu are doing great! Good for you on joining a meetup! Keep moving forward and finding your center. You could do this.

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks! Mach1 has been helpful... I feel like I've found a "home" on this board - there are so many helpful folks...

I am getting used to the marathon. I have days where I think - Oh I'll bring this up to H when he comes over later, maybe we can talk about it...

Then I remember my DB lessons and think no - I'll save it for MC I have much more fun being happy when H comes around, like it doesn't matter that he doesn't live here any more. And dressing up and looking cute (as I can at eight months pregnant!) and doing new things, meeting new people...

And I find that if I DO keep my expectations of H low, I tend to be pleasantly surprised once in a while.

I have so much to concentrate on... just with chasing my little girl and popping out this other one.

I am looking at some non-credit courses at a local community college right now. Silversmithing I saw a cute ring on Etsy I thought about buying for myself, and thought "How neat would it be to be able to make that?" and, ten weeks of having one evening all to MYSELF!

[dl443322]

Wow, D, good for you for taking a class. I know this all must be so hard while pregnant and dealing with a little one.
Just continue to put the emphasis on you and your child.

Let h blow in the wind for now. He doesnt know which end is up and anything you say to him will be turned around and upside down and inside out in his head. So it's best to say nothing.

You are doing really well.

[dmkdmkdmk]

You know, I"m wondering if I'm a little too detached today...

I've actually had a really great day for the most part - took my daughter down to our city's Summer Arts Festival - I bought myself a little ring because honestly I feel a little weird not wearing a wedding ring while I'm so obviously pregnant... I like that I have a ring that's to me from me

Then I went and had my hair colored. It looks pretty cute - definitely something different for me. I've never permanently dyed my hair before, and now my boring brown hair is a darker red with highlights... different without being crazy.

I even went shopping just a little bit, bought a new outfit.

Had plans to go out and have a late dinner/gossip session with my girlfriends. Two of them are pregnant as well. I don't hate them for having attentive loving husbands, but I hate that all of a sudden, my formerly attentive and loving husband just decided to flake on me...

Naturally I was having a great time, but of course H kept calling to see if I was leaving yet because he is tired and has to work in the morning... and I came home ready for a fight (he didn't engage, lucky for him!).

Because you know what - the fact that he is living in an apartment somewhere else? NOT MY PROBLEM.

The other six nights from this week, he gets to come over for half an hour, rush DD off to bed, and leave as soon as he possibly can - and he can do whatever the hell he wants with his time every evening. I'm the one that's stuck sitting at home. I'm the one who can't go anywhere or do anything because DD is sleeping. Last night he left because he wanted to go home and go to bed - he ended up hanging out at his apartment pool and not going to bed until 11pm, so he's SOOOOO tired today. NOT MY PROBLEM.

I'm so sorry he actually had to parent his child for more than half an hour tonight. He had a comfortable bed, he had a shower full of his crap, he had all that HERE - along with a wife who would have done absolutely anything for him. He THREW it all away.

Even if he decides to move back home... Does he think it will ever really be the same? Is he expecting that I'll be completely overjoyed and grateful that he decided not to rip apart the home of the two kids that he thought it was such a freaking good idea to create not even eight months ago? I may forgive him, but I know that I'll be watching and waiting for the next 50 years to see if he's about to flake on me again.

But I love my kids, I love my kids, I love my kids...

I wonder if he didn't say anything to engage me b/c there's no winning that argument... he was pleasant and excused himself quickly after asking how my dinner was... I don't even care. My friends keep commenting that I seem SO happy lately too...

[dmkdmkdmk]

Oh, the rollercoaster.

I have so many moments every day that I want to share with my best friend, and it tears my heart out that he's gone.

DD does so many cute and wonderful things that normaly I'd call H and share with him, but now those moments are mine alone.

Today she got into my purse and put chapstick all over her face. Cute.
She also accidentally ended up with a mouthful of sriracha sauce. Not so cute.

He's missing out.

He didn't come over tonight. Too tired, he'll be over around 9 to pick up DD and take her swimming at his apartment pool. This has me a little worried, but I'm just a nervous mommy. I'll tell him to make sure he picks up sunscreen and some arm floaties when he's picking up some swim diapers.

I've got plans to go see a movie with a friend or something. I find myself getting more and more vague about my plans and activities. I just don't feel like sharing so much anymore.

I asked him yesterday if he would go to another MC session before he goes out of town for the month. He says he can't commit to anything. I'll just have my fingers crossed and go by myself if he won't go with me.

[dl443322]

DM, this is hard stuff. You are at the beginning of a crazy spinning, upside down rollercoaster.

So, you really will be having all kinds of feelings - anger, sadness, disbelief, confusion and its all normal.

You are doing wondefully GAL, all with a toddler and pregnant - good for you!

Yes, these men are so foolish leaving good women who love them to search for what - who knows?

Continue of the journey of self discovery for that is what I think dbing is all about. Finding youself, fixing the things that YOU want to fix and finding your strength.

Keep moving forward. You are doing great!

[dmkdmkdmk]

Thanks :-)

I have an internal struggle going on right now - H picked up DD to take her swimming today, and left his laundry in the washer. He asked me to put it in the dryer and possibly throw in another load for him.

Do I do the laundry, just to be nice?

Who would think that something I would have done, without thinking twice, three months ago as a courtesy, is now a huge "should I or shouldn't I" situation for me...

[dmkdmkdmk]

And I'm going to go see Terminator with my best friend since 5th grade today!

I did send H a text earlier - just to tell him that Billy Mays was dead...