Is 6 months too late?

[needinghope]

I'm listening. You aren't alone even though you feel like you are. My husband also suffers from depression and is not the man I married right now. I've cried for days and days and I've seen no light at the end of the tunnel. I've felt deep helplessness and thought I couldn't survive another day. But, yesterday was the first day that I haven’t been rendered helpless by the pit in my stomach and my constant anxiety. My dear friend and mentor who deeply loves me and my H said to me that I was a wonderful, talented and unique person and that I am not solely to blame for all of this. It clicked. You see, I focused so much on my hand in all of the problems in our M that I began to believe that I was responsible for most of the disillusionment. That's not even possible. No one person ends a marriage. It takes two to get into the marriage and it takes two to get out of it.

Ultimately, I have decided that I'm not going to wait for my H to make a choice. I'm going to move on. I've spread my things among the entire closet in our bedroom and replaced wedding photos in the house with photos of friends and family. I'm not checking out of our M and I still am working toward reconciliation, but I can no longer live captive to his confusion. I have to believe that I will be ok regardless of what he does.

I don't have children, so I cannot pretend to know how much harder this is for you. But, I work with inner-city teens who live in poverty and all kinds of dysfunction. Many of them are already practicing the patterns set forth by their parents. It saddens me because I know that they will repeat many of their parent's bad choices. But for a few that is not the case. Sometimes I come across teens that suffer the same sociological woes as their peers, but they have been taught to break the patterns that enslave the others. These children have strong adults in their lives. These adults teach them that though they cannot always control their circumstances, they can always control their choices.

I say all of that to you because your daughter needs someone to say it you. Their is something unique about the role of a father in a child's life. It holds a deep and permanent influence. But sometimes the father falters and if unattended the resulting wound stays with the child for life. So, even though this happens, healing can still take place if the mother is up for the challenge. I hope that your H gets well and returns, but you don't have the luxury of waiting to see if that happens. Your daughter is watching you. Show her that you are not a victim or your circumstances. Model for her that a woman can overcome tragedy with strength and grace. Your every action and attitude is writing on the stone tablet of your daughter's worldview. What a great opportunity this can be for you. There are so many teachable moments in this. And, when your husband chooses to finally see you for who you are, you will be able to show him a beautiful and resiliant, confident woman and your daughter will take that into her future. Show her you can move mountains! As Linus said to Charlie Brown, "The sun will come up tomorrow."