Just submitted the online registration for Retro. Before I did it I went to my W and verified that I should go ahead and submit the reservation. She looked stressed and not happy, but asked about the date, confirmed it, and nodded her head.
So I send in the check tomorrow, and then they call and talk to each of us and we are confirmed.
September 18th.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Congratulations, Thinker. I hope that your experience will be as good as mine was! Now, remember what I said. Just don't rock the boat from now til then. Just keep humming that Beatle's tune, "Let it Be."
So now that we have reached a point where are talking about separation and my W is actively saying that she does not want to act like a couple any more...
...our 11th Anniversary is coming up in 2 days.
We are each heading our own separate ways on that day (by chance) for a week of vacation. I'm headed to the beach with my extended family and taking the boys. She is headed to visit her mother. I am really happy that she is going - her mother has cancer and is very sick. It is a perfect and much needed chance for my W to spend a week with her without the kids.
So I have been wondering if I should still acknowledge the day with a card or a small token gift (chocolate anyone??). I think I should, because that is the person I want to be. It's rough though, because how do you select an anniversary card at a time like this? I will probably end up finding a blank and writing my own.
How do you positively acknowledge an anniversary without saying I love you or applying pressure?
Or do I just ignore the day all-together?
Anyone have any other ideas?
------
On a side, but related note:
Has anyone thought about starting a line of DB Greeting cards? Appropriate ones are almost impossible to find:
- Happy Mothers Day / Fathers Day to the Mother / Father of my Children
- Happy Valentines day to someone I am not pressuring
- Happy Birthday to the spouse who is divorcing me
etc.
It certainly seems to be a niche market...
Last edited by Thinker; 06/26/0902:47 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
• Seven Kinds of Love: Here you will use the Sternberg questionnaires that are completed for homework before the workshop • The “Falling in Love” Model: Here you will discuss how a person falls in or out of love and how a person falls back in love • The Anatomy of an Affair • The End of a Marriage: Doing the wrong thing and Doing the right thing • Commitment Model: Different kinds of commitment • The Four Horsemen: The way we communicate with each other • Repair Attempts • Attraction • Stress-Reducing Conversation • Conflicting Life Desires: Here you will use your Life Maps for evening homework that are completed before the workshop • Negotiation • The Four Behavioral Styles: Here you will use your profiles that are completed online before the workshop • How to handle anger and pain • Forgiveness
Using these resources: • About love using the work of Dr. Robert Sternberg, Yale. • About commitment using the work of Dr. Johnson, Penn State. • About learning to be best friends using the work of Dr. John Gottman,University of Washington. • About how to have “win-win” compromises using the work of Dr. Willard Harley, Minnesota. • About how people fall in and out of love using the work of Joe Beam, president of Family Dynamics and designer of the A New Beginning seminar. • About how to forgive and move on using a very practical model that you can implement immediately.
Is there overlap with Retro or is it significantly different?
Alex,
From the description above, I don't see much overlap with Retrouvaille at all. I'm sure that if I sat through it I would see similarities. But Retrouvaille isn't presented as theories developed by PhDs, or learned analysis. Retrouvaille is open sharing of situations from couples who have gone before with couples who are now in the throes of painful times. It is gut-wrenching, in a lot of ways, like this forum, where people open their hearts and their lives and let you see into them. And what I learned from was the look in their eyes, as they told their stories. When I saw the looks of love on their faces as they sat next to their spouse, and revealed the pain of the affair in excruciating detail, I said to myself, "If they can do it, I can do it." It was role modeling. I had never seen people so in love with each other. Not sappy, make you sick, teenagers kissing and petting in front of everybody kind of love, but a deep love just expressed by hand-holding and smiling into each others' eyes. There are not many times in my life that I've looked at someone else and thought, "that's what I want to be", but I did when I was at Retrouvaille. In addition to the sharing by the lead couples at the weekend, they taught the dialogue method.
At the Post sessions they talked more theory. The idea of a marriage being a house held up by four supports -- love, commitment, forgiveness, and trust. If any of the supports were broken, the roof would cave in. Yep, I got that theory. that's exactly what happened. And they talked about your family of origin and the family you created together, and they talked about intimacy, and a lot of other subjects. There was a life plan exercise, so that might be similar, and discussions on trust and commitment. The focus of the weekend was the sharing, and the dialogue.
Since you will be apart on the anniversary, I recommend that you send flowers. A dozen roses is always nice. And even if your wife doesn't like it, her mother will. It will brighten the kitchen table for a week. And on the card, you can simply say "Happy Anniversary. We can celebrate when we get back home." Or something like that. If you want to give a more personal gift when you get back home, something the boys helped you pick out on your trip would be nice. She may not like you, but she loves the boys, so make things from all of you.
Actually, she will be leaving to make a 10 hour drive on the morning of our Anniversary.
I had just thought of putting together a "trip package" - a travel mug, a box of chocolates, a starbucks gift card, a music CD - things to make the drive more palatable.
The flowers are a great alternate idea. I could call so that they are there when she arrives after the long drive.
I had discounted flowers because I was trying to minimize the romantic pressure, but they are probably OK and appropriate.
My W does love flowers. (recently just not so much from me )
Thanks!!
Last edited by Thinker; 06/26/0903:18 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
(recently just not so much from me 
)