Looking For Help

[sandi2]

I was upset. My W is extremely critical of me for not listening, and here she is doing the same thing. She said that she did not recall this conversation. I told her how disappointed I was...but she took it as me being nasty to her again. I said that all during this separation I was trying to be as inclusive of her as possible and that it hurt that she didn't do the same. Again, she took it as me being nasty. Nevertheless, the tone was set for the rest of the afternoon. I did see tears come from her eyes...it killed me. I blew it. I took the kids swimming at the community pool instead that afternoon. I did end up receiving a card and golf balls, which was very nice of my W, but I feel like I may have really blown it with her. My W did make a nice Father's Day dinner with one of my favorite dishes.

Yes, it is so hard to keep our emotions under control b/c everything is tense and just plain "raw". It doesn't take much to set the bomb off. One tiny spark...and boom! I do think it was an "honest" mistake by your W and the reason I think that is b/c it hurt her by what you said. If it had not been an honest mistake, then she would not have cared how you felt. I think the fact that you were upset and she felt like she had disappointed you by not sticking to the "plan" you had for Father's Day with the kids.....is a positive sign. It is a lot better than her not caring, trust me.

Your actions that day may have promted her to look for houses on the Internet, but OTOH, she may have done that at any rate. Who knows?

She said that she was simply being civil towards me during this process.

She was still hurt and that was her self defense. It's sad that WAW's won't just be open and honest about things in the MR. She's confused and probably doesn't even understand herself. I know I didn't.

Sandi...this is typical for me...I do great DB work 98% of the time, then the other 2% absolutely kills me. It feels like I'm digging my own grave here. I don't know what to do next. I guess just dust myself off and keep trying. I hope I'm not too late with my efforts.

That is exactly what you must do. You can't stop trying as long as she's in the same house and even later if you have hope of still hanging on. Unless she D's you, you can have hope, and even then some have remarried. So, really, you can say until she's M to another person....you can have hope of getting together.

I know these backsets are upsetting. You can't be perfect all the time! If you can reach a place that you can relax a bit, it would probably be better, but that is much easier said than done.

I feel that when my W gets all of her "ducks in row", she's gone for good

You may be right, but who knows how long it will take her? Besides, as we've discussed, you can't control her, you can only control what "you" do......which is to be the best you can be. Nobody should expect you to be better than you can possibly be! If they do, that is being unrealistic.....which is typical for many WAW's.

You know, I've been M for many years now, and we've been through several "transitions" of life. They are not pleasant, but couples can get through them together. It concerns me, however, that so many today think that the first trials that come along mean they should bust the M up and go separate ways. One piece of information that helped me when I was in that WAW mode was when I read that even if I went to OM and we got M, in a short period of time I would realize that I had the same marriage....only to a different man. That was an eye opener! Who wants that? I figured I might as well stay with the same man than get a new one and have the same old problems....

Some of the things that are swimming around in her head is she thinks the grass is greener on the other side. She sees you as being the reason for all her unhappiness. She wants out of this bad situation and find total bliss. She is having a very difficult time being realistic and not day-dreaming. That makes her very vulnerable to some OM who may fill her head with ego food and make her think he is her knight in shinning armour. I hope that won't happen. I pray it has not "already" happen! But I wanted you to know how easy it is when a woman is unhappy. I would not have believed it to be true if it had not happen to me.

Well, keep posting b/c it does help. If reading too much here begins to get you down, then back off and just post on your own thread for a while. But do stay in touch b/c we care and we want to be here for you.

I have seen M's in your stitch (and worse than yours) turn around and the couple made it together. So, don't give up b/c you think you messed up last Sunday. BTW, why doesn't she "allow" you to attend church with her? That isn't very "Christian" of her, is it? Is there another church you could attend or had you rather not?

Talk to you later,
Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello Sandi,

Thank you for your post...and your support!

Yesterday was a better day. My wife said "thank you" for the coffee I made her that morning. She is starting to say this with greater frequency (small positive steps, right?). Later that day, I picked up the kids from school and cooked dinner. She was thankful for my initiative. We had a very good conversation during dinner, mostly about how well work was going for me. She showed a certain level of curiousity around this topic. This is a 180 example for me b/c for the past year or so I did nothing but complain about my new job...my W expects me to be critical about everthing. Since my W insists that I can never change, I just wanted to throw out an example of how things can change. I feel yesterday was my best DBing to date. I didn't have to pretend I was happy, I really was happy. After dinner, we played with the kids. I received quite a bit of eye contact and smiles from the W. The "kill her with kindness" routine appears to be a positive strategy for me. Negativity is an absolute buzz kill...I have to learn not to react with my negative emotions. It's a hard habit to break. Like you said in a previous post, the "cold-detach" strategy is not appropriate at this time. I need to become the greatest guy I can with the God-given talents and limitations I possess.

Thank you very much and I'll keep posting. Your comments are soul-nourishing.
-LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Hi Sandi (and others who are reading):

In an earlier post, you mentioned that my W craves ego food. Based on what you know about by situation, can you suggest ego food that I can provide without appearing like I'm pursuing or I'm needy? Currently, I compliment her on how good she looks as she's going to work (once a week)...I compliment her on being a great mother (several times a week when the timing is right)...I thank her for the little things (at least the things I notice) etc.

Thanks,
LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Just journaling...

The last two days have been neutral at the homefront. I have been focusing on my work and my two kids. The W has been distant with me, but polite.

Today, I cooked dinner for the family. All throughout dinner and afterwards, my W was telling the kids that "she" was going to take them to the community pool this evening. She said this about a dozen times, without including me a single time. Funny, when it comes to doing things with the kids, I'm always inclusive of the W, even when I don't want her around. Also, I'm the one always taking the kids to the pool, I just love doing it.

Then I thought to myself...whatever, I've got to prepare for work tomorrow anyways...it's cool. As the W and kids were getting ready to go out the door, my son ran over to me and wanted me come with him. I told him "thank you son, but it's alright...I wasn't invited...I wasn't going...I've got work to do...go have fun." I really was fine about it. He said "no, we are going swimming as a family." Smart kid for only being 5 years old. Unfortunately, my W grew very angry with me...how dare you use the kids against me. I told her that I truly wasn't, but I guess my words did not come out right. She didn't believe me...she only sees the worst in me. But I have to say to this bulliten board that I really wasn't trying to use my kids against her. If she wanted alone time with the kids, she simply should have told me... I would have understood.

It was at this point that I realized...to heck with her. I was ticked off. She's the one trying to break up our family, not me. I know that alot of the relationship blame belongs to me, but she has some culpability as well. My guilt was going to stop. It was as if my fears about losing her just lifted, at least temporarily. I decided to go to the pool with them and have a great time. I did not show my anger and resentment...I simply had a blast with the kids while avoiding W like the plague. While she was at one end of the pool, I was at the other being Mr. Fun, as if nothing bothered me. Within an hour, my W left with my D2.5 while my son and I stayed behind. I talked to the other moms at the pool and simply enjoyed myself. One of the pretty moms actually started to play catch with my son while I sat off to the side (maybe just a ploy to start talking with me).

Anyways...as I continue to DB and work on myself, I find my confidence and self-esteem starting to return, one small step after the other. We'll see.

Good night to all.
-LFH

[givingitmyall]

Anyways...as I continue to DB and work on myself, I find my confidence and self-esteem starting to return, one small step after the other. We'll see.

And it will continue to grow as you keep DB'ing.

[sandi2]

Hi again,

You will see how easy your emotions will swing every direction if you don't keep a tight reign on them. When your feelings are reacting to your wife's behavior, then your self-confidence goes out the door. When that happens, you aren't "Mr. Fun" any longer and you appear to be pouting and having a pity party. I'm so glad that you went on to the swiming pool. Next time don't say anything about you not being invited b/c it draws attention to being "weak" or sounding "needy". I know you didn't intend for it to sound that way, but it is how I preceived it and I bet your W did too, if she heard you.

Do you see how you can control your actions and the results change your emotions. When you went on to the pool and was acting like "Mr. Personality" out there.....that was so much better than sitting alone feeling angry or pity. It boosted you self-esteem and that is what women are attracted to. A man can show self-confidence without acting like a jack-a$$. It is when he's being a jerk that it turns women off. True self confidence in a man is a huge turn-on! And....even when it is not a sexual turn-on for a woman....she admires any man who is self-confident. Another plus with the self-confidence is that a man is able to be detached and drop the rope where his emotions with his W is concerned. He stops appearing "needy" and it certainly gets her attention. He is attractive and she is drawn to him.

I hope you can keep this in mind when you have those days you feel down and discouraged, okay? I really believe you can accomplish the work you need to do. You ARE doing it!

Take care,
Sandi

[Looking_For_Help]

Hello again Sandi,

Thank you for your reply and your vote of confidence. You can't begin to imagine what it does for my PMA. I reread your posts in my thread daily. My on-line discussions with GIMA are also helpful.

In some of the other threads I've read (including your own posts), it appears that only when the LBS "drops the rope" does the WAS begin to pursue. If I understand correctly, this means that the LBS has no chance in saving the marriage until they do detach. It's in the best interest of the LBS to detach as quickly as possible. Is this really true? As a former WAW, what's your perspective? At what point does the WAS want or begin to save the marriage...Does this happen slowly over time or is it a quick 2x4 wake-up?

Thank you and good night.
-LFH

[Looking_For_Help]

Just Journaling:

Sunday morning I went to the gym and later went to the beach by myself. My W took the kids to church this morning, I went to 5:30 mass yesterday. For this afternoon, I played in a golf tournament with my friends. I guess you can say that I was out GALing. It didn't seem like it to me...and here's why:

The kids and I are going on our vacation Tuesday morning for one week to visit my family (out-of-state). My W is going on her own vacation...I learned yesterday morning that she's going on a carribean cruise by herself while we're out-of-state. Her ticket arrived by mail Saturday morning.

Of course my imagination is going crazy about this. It's absolutely killing me! We talked a little bit about our vacations, and she did say she's going alone. Who goes alone on cruises? It's days like these where I want to put down an ultimatum. Either we're working on this marriage or it's divorce time...so I can get out of this limbo pain and move on with life. This hurts soooo bad.

The mojo that I had going for most of the week is completely gone. The W is helping me quite a bit in getting the kids ready for our trip, which make things worse for me b/c why is she so interested in helping out? Again, my imagination is going nuts. I did have a post I believe from Steady that mentioned that in times like these, just tell myself that my brain is telling me stupid little stories and to forget about them...they don't amount to much. I'll try. I just want to keep my family together. It seems I'm getting no where with my 180s and GALing. Maybe I'm wrong and I just don't know yet that they're working.

If anyone has any nuggets of wisdom, I really could use them this evening. My PMA is shot.

Thanks...LFH

[givingitmyall]

LFH

You just can't rush it. You cannot control what your W is doing right now. You are just driving yourself batty worrying about it. Completely normal. Unless you have proof she is not going alone, let it go. I know that's hard, but you have to focus on YOU, not her. You do control how her actions/words affect you. Around her, you are ok no matter what and no matter how hard it is to project that.

You are going to have ups and downs. Expect them and deal with them. Easier said than done, but you have to do it.

I pray at least 2-3 times a day for patience, strength, knowledge, patience, clarity and patience.

Hang in there. This takes time.

[Done in VA]

LFH - haven't read your sitch, but wanted to offer a great 180 for you. When she talks about the cruise, you are going to have to use your imagination for this (put yourself in her shoes, think of the nice getaway you would be having & how you might be feeling), tell her how much fun you bet she is going to have. Detach & think of her as a friend that is telling you about a cruise they are going on. Wouldn't you be thinking - wow, you are going to have a great time! Now when you say these things - MEAN IT.

Typically when my H would be doing something fun for himself, deep down, I would be thinking YOU F'er. You should be spending time w/MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, w/your family... That's how you feel when you haven't detached. Once you do, you look at it from their point of view & are truly glad they are happy. Believe me, she'll notice a difference.