I did not mean to suggest that he do it. I do however wonder what it is that shakes the WAS into some awareness, alertness, movement in some direction. If and when the LBS gets to the point of wanting some motivational event is obviously personal and distinct to each situation.
I guess, I'm thinking, a year or two on, the WAS is not taking legal action or moving out, just stagnating...the LBS gets fed up. It seems in some of these sitches the LBS's actions are the catalyst for resolution one way or the other.
I have certainly thought the words, but never said them. It's not really me, although once thought, it's easier for words to come out if you get angry in a fight.
The thought mostly seems to come up after listening to my W go on ad on about the pressure she is under because: (in her mindreading) - I am in love with her, and - I think we could be happy together, and - I want her to stay just to make me happy, because - it is what I want, and - I don't care what she wants, but - she does not love me, and - she doesn't want to stay in the M (but I am pressuring her to do so), and - she is not happy (but I don't care about that because am thinking only about what I want), and...
And after a while I just want to say "How do you know what I wan't and how I feel. I haven't said any of those things in months and have never said some of them (ie I don't care how she feels). If you want to go, I'm not trapping you - just go."
But for now, I just listen and understand that she is venting. I do think she is projecting a lot of the pressure that she feels onto me, when I am not really applying that pressure.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
But for now, I just listen and understand that she is venting. I do think she is projecting a lot of the pressure that she feels onto me, when I am not really applying that pressure.
Could be projecting. It certainly is frustration - no question.
So who is her counsel? Who does she go to to talk and seek advice from? I would wish there were someone in her circle who would say, "Hey there, it sure sounds like life is hell for you. Time to do some self care and make a move." Which is the equivalent of what I cautioned YOU not to say...but coming from someone else, it might break the dam that's holding her in the miserable spot.
The only thing keeping her from being happy in the life she chose is her (true for all of us). Like I said before, she's trapped herself.
Keep thinking.
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
So who is her counsel? Who does she go to to talk and seek advice from? I would wish there were someone in her circle who would say, "Hey there, it sure sounds like life is hell for you. Time to do some self care and make a move."
She talks to a lot of friends and also to her Sisters.
There is one (divorced, independently wealthy) BFF who I would believe is saying "Leave, You need it, You deserve it" - But I don't know this for a fact.
I know that for the most part her Sisters are saying "Go back to work full time to build a career for yourself, work out your issues, decide to be happy" I know because she isn't listening to them to their satisfaction and one of them started venting to me. (I didn't vent back)
Mrs Thinker has also told me that "everyone" ie her sisters and many of her friends are telling her "What!! You have 3 small kids and a H who loves you and you want to get D'd!! Are you freakin' Crazy!!"
Quote:
The only thing keeping her from being happy in the life she chose is her (true for all of us). Like I said before, she's trapped herself.
I know. I also know I can't be the one to tell her that.
Last edited by Thinker; 06/25/0905:53 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
So that's good news, Think Tank ~~~~ she doesn't have a cadre of head bobbers agreeing with everything she says. She's fortunate - she just doesn't know it...but she will one day.
No, you cannot tell her that she is in her own way. I mean, you can but...well, you know Just keep working on you. You are modeling some goodness there for her.
Cheers ~~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And I want to point out it was vitally important not to vent back to the sister. Kudos for that. You could look cross - eyed at her next week and she would be chatting with your W. You can bet on that. Best to keep family in the dark as much as possible.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You know, I was there once. When my kids were young I felt trapped by my marriage and my dependent status. But, in my case, divorce did not look like a more attractive alternative. So I stayed put. Now my kids are grown. And I see someone go by in the kind of car I drove back then, or see a family with 3 young children, and I get this wave of nostalgia wash over me. And I want to go back in time. I think, "I loved those times." And yet, if I'm honest with myself I realize that I never said I loved those times back then. It's only now when I am not young and my life isn't full of all that potential anymore. Honestly, Thinker. I don't think it gets said enough around here. Too many of us are just depressed for no reason. Whether it's hormonal, or our competitive society or what, we are just never happy with what we've got. And it is a shame.
P.S. That thought that you are not saying, is one of those things you should NEVER say to her. Please take my advice to Alex and just keep life pleasant. Ignore her moods if you can't improve them. Let her get away and do stuff on her own or with friends when possible. And wait for Retrouvaille or MC to have the deep conversations. They don't go well without direction.
