Another week since I posted. I read alot but really not much to say on my own sitch.
I am very relaxed, happy, peaceful. People are saying how happy I look. I am praying a lot. A LOT!!! Listening to a lot of good music. Exercising.Reading. Taking care of myself. I have done a ton of self-examination and WORK. I spent a few weekends praying and reading and gradually it was like a big burden just started to roll off of me. (By the way, it is looking like a library in here.)
I realised that I can afford to be friendly to H because I no longer think that doing so shows that I am giving up POWER. I have MY POWER because I know I will be good. I don't worry about how he will interpret my actions because I WILL BE GOOD. I don't worry about what he is thinking. Am I living dangerously? Perhaps. Or am I just living? It feels good to be exhaling.
Do I still want to save M? Yes. Am I going to worry about it? No. Do I know a lot more about myself now? Yes. Am I the same person? No. I am different and therefore the dynamic is different. I am more mature, compassionate, more womanly instead of girlish. Am I better for it? Yes. Would I be devastated if H announced that he was ready for a D? For sure. And though I pray it doesn't come to that I would recover with God's help.
I am not in charge because God is in control. But because I know he is leading me towards something better I have more power than I realised.
