WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

One mistake that I see a lot of newcomers make is to be so distraught that they get into these conversations with people that supposedly have their best interest at heart. They give far more information to these people than they should.

Then they flap in the wind with every opinion anyone utters.

I know I was/am guilty of this mistake. The week before my wife moved out, she even commented how she didn't understand me as I keep swinging all over emotionally and with my attitude. She said one moment I would be dancing and singing in the family room with my boys and the next I be so distant and disconnected.

Right now, I'm trying to stay consistent as a the best CIPA I can be. I remain dark by not calling/initiating any contact with her. When she does call/text/email me, I try to be as upbeat and positive as I can be.

So, I am trying to be a man that only a fool would leave/divorce.

Look. Keep doing things together. And keep them as positive as possible. Enjoy each other and enjoy the kids. It will be more confusing to only see one parent at a time and never see you together.

The kids would be more frightened, not less, if you don't do things together.

And, stop the deep conversations with these well-meaning friends that have a different opinion than you. Stop baring your soul or listening to their "advice." You can be friendly, but why let them get into your personal business, especially if it will at all affect your mood, feelings, etc?

Also, think in terms of the old R and M are gone. How do new R's start? They start with a friendship. The very best ones, anyhow. So, be friends. Have new experiences. Build new memories. You don't need to verbalize that you are rebuilding, just DO it.

That's how I've been approaching the time we spend with the kids. Trying to create new positive memories/moments. She has said that she doesn't trust me to be vulnerable with me so she doesn't want to be my wife any more. I do know that it takes time to rebuild the trust. So I will be working towards that until the bitter end (when the divorce is final).

Now the challenge comes down to if I continue after the divorce is final. I guess that will have to depend on where I am at emotionally and in life. I don't want to just be friends with the woman I love. But I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Thanks for checking up on me again