I don't know if I am the only crazy person that this might work for, but I decided to make a list of everything that brings joy to my life currently. I'm not perfect, btw, I certainly have my days that I do not subscribe to this theory & throw pity parties!
I keep a gratefulness journal.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Haven't posted in a while, not really sure where to start. So I guess it seems my wife is no longer going to leave, she has agreed to get back in and try again.
This may be due to the fact that I finally acknowledged the fact that she hates living where we do and I have agreed to move closer to her family, although still about 4 hrs away, better than 12.
Wife's effort seems to be lackluster at times especially in the down times like following an arguement or disagreement. She has told me that she would be willing to be encouraging at these times but so far has not been. She just seems to retreat into her own head with her own thoughts.
We just don't seem to be able to have many conversations with the slightest amount of conflict that can be resolved. We both end up feeling unheard and hurt.
We suck at listening.
On the upside sex has seemed to return to our relationship once or twice a week although we are still in separate beds, which BTW is getting easier to deal with and actually enjoyable.
This does however scare me because I don't really want to get too comfy with this arrangement.
Wife also made a revelation recently saying that she had serious issues with defensiveness when it came to any kind of confrontation, something I had been saying for 7 yrs.
I guess the question I have is this: is she only trying because I have agreed to move? Does it even matter what the reason is that she is trying?
Am I over-analyzing everything here and in the process destroying any real chance of this working?
e 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in same bed/no intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She's trying again 06/25/09
I think you are making great progress. I was watching your thread & glad to hear your good news. YOu need to change your signature to separate beds/WITH intimacy! LOL
Would she be willing to do MC to get back on track?
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
Thanks Hopeful, that's about 90% more than I get from the wife. Guess I should be grateful for the 10% I am getting but I'm not. Can't let her know that though oh no heaven forbid we actually say what we are thinking or feeling! I am so sick of all the effing games we have to continue to play in order to "bring her back".
Some days I swear I'm at the end of my GD rope, this just happens to be one of them.The Wife has her sister and best friend in from out of town so any and all communication comes to a screeching halt. Where there used to be a courtesy call in the AM while i am at work just to see how our nights went, now nothing.
Tonight the three of them are going out to have a girls night out and blow off some steam so I have been volunteered to watch the kids. On the plus side the two other women she is going out with are a good example, so at least I have that.
I know that I'm being very impatient but almost five months have gone by and I am truly getting very sick of this [censored]!
e 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in separate beds/with intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She's trying again 06/25/09
So I haven't spoke to the Wife all day, this is quite unusual, but especially so considering the fact that she is going out tonight. There probably should have been a phone call to tell me what time the babysitter would be there and for how long as well as some conversation about whether or not I would be home from work on time.
It just seems irresponsible to me that she would not call to discuss some of these things. Back to the game of I'm not calling her and I'm not calling him. What a crock!
I know it's hard, but back to - don't let it affect you. It's only one day. You have had many other good days. Things will not be a gradual incline, but there will be peaks & valleys. You've been having several peaks, time for a small valley. Cut her some slack, she is occupied at the moment enjoying her time. Try to be happy for her when you see her. Don't let her see an ounce of resentment over this.
One day at a time
Me 36, Him 33 M 11yrs, T 15yrs S 8, D 7 ILYBINILWY - 1/09 H moves out 10/09 D to be final SOON I HOPE!
I just finished reading your thread and I must say it is truly inspiring to see how you are progressing with your particular situation. You keep rolling with the punches. I'm in a similar boat and am just trying to absorb all of the great advice you're getting. Hang in there...you're doing great!
Thanks, LFH
ME: 38 W: 35 D2.5 and S5 Married 12 years Separated (same house, different rooms) INILWYAM by W: 4/16/2009 The day W requested a D: 4/17/2009
Morning all, Wife got in at 3am with sister and friend. I happened to be up with 2 yr old so I had my light on and she came in to have a small chat.
She told me about her night and I said I was happy that she had fun. Which I actually was, she then asked me how I was to which I replied ok. I then asked her how she thought I'd be? She said she thought I would be a little insecure.
I explained to her that I was a little upset because we had set some fairly clearly defined boundaries regarding going out two nights previous. She asked what I meant and I said that I had asked her about how long she thought she'd be out and her reply was "well it's not like I'll be home at 2am or anything"
I very calmly explained that the reason is that I work a 14 hr day and our kids are regularly up in the night which they were last night. I work in an industry that is life threatening and am responsible for others safety everyday. So for these reasons I do need to get a decent nights sleep even 4-5 hrs not 2.
She listened quite well and then apologized for being so late, this has always been a soft spot in our R and has happened many times, her excuse is that if she calls to tell me she'll be late we will just get into a big scrap. True in the past, but I tried to assure her that she has to give me a chance to show her that is no longer the case.
I had toyed with the idea of saying nothing in true dbing style but then decided that was not my style and I needed to express my feelings. I did this without anger or resentment and the results seem to be quite favorable, like I said in earlier posts sick and tired of the games, as long as you can say things without the anger and harsh words and go on for an hour I truly believe that it can be quite successful.
e 42, Her 34 M 3yrs, T 8yrs D 5 S 3 S 2 ILYBINILWY 02/09 Sleeping in separate beds/with intimacy "I,m done" her words: 05/28/09 She's trying again 06/25/09
