one of the things she said i didn't do in the past was listen to her. also that i acted like she couldn't take care of herself.
i know both stem from codependency and have been working and learning how to correct it. i didn't say that to her, but let her know i understand how she felt like that by the things i did. i let her know i had an incorrect idea of what love was. And now i see where i went wrong.
idk. i'm happy with the talk, just wondering if this is a step in the right direction. and if so, where should i try and lead the convo next?
i love hearing opinions! pdt, kimmie, and anybody else for that matter, por fa vor!
OK, so she's texting other man (probably more), and you spend all your time talking about YOUR faults?
I think you need more BALANCE here, JR. Yes, you need to own your own faults and shortcomings in the relationship. But self-flagellation, falling on the sword, and doing the Obama Apology Tour isn't going to garner your wife's respect.
And since women VERY closely tie their feelings of "respect" with their feelings of "love" . . . well, you can see your challenge.
Not a bad phone call. But try to create some distance now, and some STRENGTH.
point taken and much appreciated. she still hasn't texted OM, but she is always texting new numbers everyday. she mentioned she has a new gf (wtf?) that is young and that she doens't feel like she can tell her problems to. don't ask me about the new gf thing, because i didn't even ask myself. she said she also felt bad telling me her problems, and i just said i'm just here to listen.
pdt, do you think her talking about this helped her release some frustration? i fully understand i need to show strength from now on. how badly do you think this set me back?
After reading your posts, I am just wondering if all of your W's actions are natural because she's so young. I mean, you went out with her for 2 years before you got married, so she was 19. And prior to that, she was M.
I'm not sure if it's a co-dependency issue or if she saw you as a "father-figure". I'm just saying.
It sounds like she has an "idea" of what the right thing is to do, but part of her also wants to sow her oats, so to speak. So she has new friends and is going out. Stuff that a typical 21 y.o. would do. I know you said that she's "mature" for her age, but honestly, at that age we're all learning how to become adults. There's alot of life lessons we learn in our 20's and it's during that time that we go out and experience them.
If you think it's bad now, wait till she hits her quarterlife crisis.
Just my 2 cents.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
After reading your posts, I am just wondering if all of your W's actions are natural because she's so young. I mean, you went out with her for 2 years before you got married, so she was 19. And prior to that, she was M.
I'm not sure if it's a co-dependency issue or if she saw you as a "father-figure". I'm just saying.
It sounds like she has an "idea" of what the right thing is to do, but part of her also wants to sow her oats, so to speak. So she has new friends and is going out. Stuff that a typical 21 y.o. would do. I know you said that she's "mature" for her age, but honestly, at that age we're all learning how to become adults. There's alot of life lessons we learn in our 20's and it's during that time that we go out and experience them.
If you think it's bad now, wait till she hits her quarterlife crisis.
Just my 2 cents.
thank you stuck.
hmmm, this isn't the first time i've heard this or thought about it. i have a friend my age who is female and she brought this up last year when OM first surfaced. it is something i have considered.
honestly, i see myself as a 31yo in a 24 yo's body (not mentally, just physically) the W i believe is a 21yo trapped in a 24 yo's body. she's a few years ahead of the curve, but my female friend pointed out that this would likely happen.
also, since i've been reading other's threads, i realize i've worked on myself mentally alot lately, different thinking, changing behaviors etc, but i still haven't got out to be a better person socially and physically. actually since i got the house in order after she left, i've kinda let it slip. i need to get back into the hobbies i love.
i'll admit i backslid into a mini-depression this week. need to kick the funk and get back in gear. i need to be the man no woman would want to be without like i was before. i have a lot of work to do yet...
pdt, do you think her talking about this helped her release some frustration? i fully understand i need to show strength from now on. how badly do you think this set me back?
Try not to analyze stuff so much. Just stay strong, do some 180s.
woke up a bit late today. and i feel really good actually. first day since W has left i've felt this certain way. completely detached. The ropes dropped and i'm done wondering if my W is gonna txt or call. i'm only going to assume she's not going to.
have a few changes for myself lined up. some goals i've set for myself in the next 3 or 6 months. and have a plan to fill each day with enjoyment. all for me
whether DB'ing brings my W back is yet to be seen, but it sure put me in a better place in a matter of 3 weeks. thank you to everyone who took the time to post and reply on my thread. i will continue to pray for everyone on this board, that God helps you in your Sitch and that he will intervene on the part of everyone it benefits.
pdt, stuck, kimmie, and everyone else who took time to reply, i want to give you a special thank you. you helped me more then you'll ever know. i wish i could meet you in real life to shake your hands and give you all hugs. You helped me through the most difficult time in my life, and for the first time in a sitch like this, i didn't tear myself down. i only built myself up better and stronger. you all are amazing people. thank you
Keep us posted, and let us know how we can help, JR. And know that you will have good days and still some bad days, but if you do stay properly detached, the good ones will outnumber the bad ones in short order.
not 10 mins after posting my last post, W calls and says shes thinking really hard about coming home. she said she's resisting the urge of just packing everything up and just coming home. i asked what's going on, and she said she wanted to call and tell for me to tell her "no". lol, drama, confusion, emotions, omgwtfbbq!
the only thing i said was,"i'm not going to tell you what to do. if that's what you want is to come home then do it. I'm not going to ever tell you what you should do."
she said how much she loves me and thinks of me everyday, blah, blah blah, blah. I did say I love you too W.
then talked about the dogs, small chit chat, her telling me more of how much she misses me. she said she had a friend coming over so i said i'd let her go.
who was this stranger on the phone i spoke to? lol, the great thing about all of this is i didn't even get excited. i'm still not. i still don't believe for a second she's coming home. i only believe she has given some small amount of thought. none of this is going to interfere with what i've planned, because i don't believe it's going to happen. she's going to have to show me first.
pdt, i will overnight a 12 pack of your favorite beer asap!
If she tells you that again, say "Well, this is your mess -- you get to clean it up," and/or "You know what needs to be done; I'm not going to tell you." The idea is to NOT RESCUE THEM from their own decision-making that needs to take place, while simultaneously indicating that there are some things that would need to be addressed.
Someone on AFWAW's thread also suggested one I liked: "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore," indicating that HE -- the LBS -- now has his OWN decisions to make, and that the walkaway wife doesn't control the agenda anymore! I liked that one.
