I wanted to post something personal about my stitch that I've been meaning to mention. Some of you may recall me complaining how my H never talked to me before my EA and how that was a major problem down through the years. Anyway, it may appeared to me that he wasn't trying to make changes in himself the way we discuss things here on the board, but one huge change he has made that has astonished me is he is "TALKING"! He still doesn't talk about "feelings" the way I would like for him to discuss. That is part of who I am, I suppose. I grew up around parents who discussed their feelings and opinions about everything, so naturally, I thought that was what M people did! My H doesn't seem to know "how" to express his emotions about most things. He keeps most of his opinions to himself. So that leaves conversations lacking at times....IMHO. But then, I guess that's just my opinion...lol.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make is the fact he is putting forth a real effort to talk to me at the end of the day when both of us come home from work. He still has his quiet moods and especially if he's not feeling well. Over the years, I've become more so that way myself. I know that is hard for you all to believe, right? (lol)
Just wanted to drop the bit of infro out there since there hasn't been a lot to report in the M department here. But as that old saying goes...."no news is good news".....at my house anyway. I appreciate all of you showing interest in me and especially my health problems. There have been folks who really have been kind over the past and tried to help pass any infro they had on Fibromyalgia. It isn't near the health problem many people have to live with, but it is enough that it has changed my entire life from what it use to be. Thanks for your prayers.
Okay, I will get back to what I like doing......talking on other people's threads......(lol).
Everyone take care and keep those posts coming in!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
While you're following up on my thread, I just had a question here since you mentioned communication with your H. As you know I'm the more talkative one in my R.
When my W comes home I always ask her how her day was, work, etc. She doesn't respond in kind, but I feel like I need to talk to her in order to keep the lines of communication open. And lately she has been contributing more to her answers rather than just "fine". Sometimes I wonder if she's hesitant to tell me about her work because the OM is there.
Should I cut that out or still talk?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Anyway, the point I wanted to make is the fact he is putting forth a real effort to talk to me at the end of the day when both of us come home from work. He still has his quiet moods and especially if he's not feeling well. Over the years, I've become more so that way myself. I know that is hard for you all to believe, right? (lol)
Let him know you appreciate it. Then let him know you notice when he is quiet and you want to help when he is ready. Yes, it is hard to imagine you having a quiet mood. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Let him know you appreciate it. Then let him know you notice when he is quiet and you want to help when he is ready.
You are right, Coach, I should verbalize that. Thanks for reminding me. It's funny, but I was told right after I married that couples often times "reverse" places in their personality and behaviors, etc., after many years of M. That seems to have happen a lot to us. But, one reason I am not as talkative to him as I was for years is b/c I think I finally gave up. I always felt like I was having a one-way conversation. But I do need to tell him that I appreciate him putting forth the effort.
Quote:
Yes, it is hard to imagine you having a quiet mood.
Ain't it the truth!!
Stuck, in response to your post and asking your W about her day......she may feel pressure since OM works with her. So, maybe you could ask specific questions instead of the "general" ones we usually rely upon. Know what I mean? Like if she is working on a specific project or has something stressful she's dealing with or whatever, you might refer to "that" and show you are interested and not trying to "trick" her into giving you clues about her feelings for OM or what is going on with them. If you know her well, then you can read her body language and you'll know when not to press her. That is a sticky place for you!
Thanks guys, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for all your insights in this thread Sandi, I have found them very helpful.
I am a newcomber (posting in newcombers) who is having some success treating H as a friend only, we have gone from extreme discomfort to much more relaxed and much more respect and friendship from him towards me. He is still very keen to separate, so I am trying to find the balance between me dropping the rope and and encouraging the better behavior while maintaining self respect, I guess thats looking for the baby steps.
Anyway, thanks again for your comments in this thread
That's an appropriate name in a case like yours b/c it feels as if you are riding a storm out. I know what you are talking about in the MR, only in our case it was me who wanted to leave. Let me encourage you not to give up and do allow whatever time he needs. It took me so long to finally get to the place I felt better toward my H. It does take baby steps, and you are going about it the right way.
I think women have to be careful not to smother their H's when they feel insecure in the R. We can make them feel smothered by waiting on them hand & foot, constantly asking them if they need anything, complimenting them too often, and of course.....physically touching them & hanging all over them. That's the last thing he wants. As long as you can act "foot lose and fancy free" and try to keep things in a fun & light mood, then it will go better. You probably know all the things "not" to do if you've been reading very much on the board, but in case you don't.....I actually have a list of "Do & Don'ts" that I have given folks as a quick guide to help them remember. My H and I had to find "friendly ground" before we could move any further in the R, so don't think you aren't making progress if you can reach the goal of "friends".
Take Care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi, not trying to hijack, but would you be kind and look at my sitch? i would appreciate your feedback. i have my sparring helmut on and ready for any 2x4's
Ain't it the truth!!