Newcomer requesting advice

[traveldane]

Been pretty overwhelmed with new job. Looks like it is going to continue that way for the next few weeks, which is probably a good thing, keeps me busy.

Evenings have been lonely, but fortunately I do have one good friend in NE city, we've known each other since high school. She and her sister came over earlier this week to keep me company while I unpacked my kitchen. One bottle of Prosecco and a good itunes playlist later, my little apartment was full of laughter and I started to feel more at home than I have felt in months.

Finding it a bit easier to feel detached from H. and sitch. Starting to really believe that a step back is important for me at this point. Last conversation with H. allowed me to feel better about letting go for now. Received an email related to this last conversation that I am not sure how to interpret; H. writes,

Thank you for the very thoughtful words. I felt that our conversation on the phone was a nice/peaceful talk. I feel like we understand each other a little bit more now. Also, I think we are getting to know ourselves more too. Hope your new environment in (NE city) is a healthy and enjoyable one.

In some ways I think it's encouraging to know that he felt our conversation was positive. I feel like his POV related to me, us, anything to do with our past has been so hostile and negative, so am trying to awknowlege these small moments of thawing out between us. There have been times when I feel we do understand eachother a bit, and then I see him make an effort to distance himself.

In a way I think his words do come across as very distant, with almost a quality of finality. Like, thanks for the closure, have a nice life. I don't know. I am so oversensitive and overanalytical about everything related to him now. I've been realizing that part of our disconnect when married was that I always felt he held me at arms length, our intimacy was always so fragile...he would get overwhelmed I think, and have to diffuse it. With jokes, or laughter or teasing. I knew it was his own insecurity with emotion, but I think it undermined how I felt about myself. Like I wasn't good enough for him to be fully open with.

That's why I put a lot of energy into trying to make things nice around us, to doing things to show him I cared, especially this past year when we both were coping differently with the loss of the baby. I told him this and we talked about it a little. I told him that it was hugely hurtful to me that the exact thing that I wanted from him, to regain our closeness, that he basically told me he couldn't deal with or do while he was starting a new job and his family was in chaos and our MC told him he needed to start IC, was the very thing he ended up pursuing in an EA....and then he turned around and said he did that because we had lost our connection to eachother.

Today, I stuggle to understand if it was that he didn't have the emotional maturity to have that closeness with me at the time because of the surrounding circumstances and so he shut down and the sought closeness in an easy, comfortable EA relationship, or that maybe the EA person is more up his alley than I ever was, and he is just now finding that out. Maybe he has found the love of his life. Who knows? Still, I know that most of my happiest moments involve him, were when we both let our gaurd down and felt that connection together. Is it still there, would we feel it again with the changes that we both have felt and are going through? After all the pain? I don't know. But if there is a chance for that, I don't want to close the door on that completely.


And I recognize that at this point, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he means or feels or says, or even does...my course at this point is the same, regardless.

Related to this, a bit of a conundrum. So, while in training session for new job, got to talking with guy also starting at new company, training, will be working in new division. Bit of chemistry there, both of us hung around at end of training, long story short, I get asked out. Yikes! Don't know how to do this right now!

I feel no reason to not date given state of things between H and I. We even discussed this at one point before I moved. He said he wanted D. because he "didn't see things working between us right now, more than likely they won't ever again".

I said fine, I was moving to NE city and lets just get some space from eachother. I told him, If you ever did feel that you wanted to get to know eachother again and rebuild our marriage, I'd find it pretty hypocrical for you to have any problem with the fact that I will be dating other people (obviously he is). Is that going to be a problem for you. He was quiet and then said, No, as long as you were honest with me about it. Honesty, interesting he should bring that concept up. To which I replied, I expect that we will be honest with each other, from here on out, on all subjects. And that was the end of that.

Now however, I find myself in an awkward place. I am ok with some fun, lets grab a drink or dinner type of thing. But, how to explain my current "status". I don't think the facebook category of "it's complicated" is adequate or fair to the other person involved. Don't want to go into the scenario, don't think its necessary, but still, don't want to be dishonest.

Keep in mind, I have not done this for 10 years. I had to put in a call to my little sister for some dating 101....what a mess.

Any advice? It may very well end up being a non issue as guy (let's call him tall guy) may not call and I will escape the whole embarrassing issue. Since I immediately began to panic over my status and how to explain, wasn't really helpful in setting up a specific date-still hadn't gotten my full schedule for work-so we left it at "talk to you soon". Then of course I ran into him this morning on our way to our respective work departments…between juggling my coffee, trying to hit the right elevator button and reading my map of directions for where I was supposed to go for the day…lets just say it was not a graceful encounter. So the whole thing may be much to worry about nothing.

Again, mess. I am a mess.