Orchid, good grief he sounds like a broken record - of my H, that is. I mean, almost exactly the same words - "being on empty", "breaking the cycle break that he feels he has been enacting since we met", "just telling friends we are working things out and living separately"... Pretty much verbatim of what my H said. It is all BS. What, they must all read the same "How to Be An A--hole" manual... (I don't mean to call your H an AH, that was more directed toward my H...)
What if you don't sign anything? In the state in which I live, the D won't go through for 2 years if the LBS doesn't sign. Have you checked the laws in your state? I say do whatever is most advantageous to you. Meanwhile let the R takes its own course.
Me: 48 H: 47 M: 16 years Separated: 4/24/09 3 cats, no kids My Story
I just want to shake him! I feel like he's making positive moves with you, and yet he's too afraid to act on it and stop this silly D talk.
Well, what are your thoughts about the stlmt form and financial disclosure? Is there a timeline? What's the consequence if you don't? Maybe it's time to see an atty for some input here... Seems like you can find ways to comply as you have to, not cooperate too readily.
I think he needs to miss you... he can see how great you look, how confident and that you're a great catch. Maybe it's time to really drop the rope and GAL and let him miss you and the good interactions you've had lately.
As far as the ring, I'd suggest giving his ring back to him. Who knows why he wants it, but having it with him vs. you may serve to as a good reminder of your bond. If it comes up about you taking yours off, maybe something to the effect of 'our old M is done'. If we decide to work on us and start a new M, I'd love to wear my ring again'.
Sorry to hear you are feeling down. Remember the seatbelt... Keep it fastened at all times.
I hope I don't jinx myself, But...
My H filed (doing his own paperwork) ten days before Christmas I responded (with attorney) two days before Christmas It's in his court I filed my settlement statement He has not Still in same house/ sep bedrms (unbearable at times)
He has his ring in wooden box on shelf in mastr bdrm closet (my closet now Sometimes I feel like doing something with it just to see if he will ever notice. Although he never goes in there, when I'm here anyway. I wear mine sometimes, but more and more lately I don't feel like it.
Hang in there girl, that's all we can do. (((HUGS)))
Well, he put his wedding ring on! And says he is going to keep it on even after the D.....until next April......
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM???
thanks for all your replies. I will answer and tell a bit more tomorrow afternoon after I drop H off at airport. I feel very scared and panicked tonight.
Mnt_dreams, I think I do agre with your advice about "Having H miss me now". What do you mean drop the rope? I think I have shown him my GAL skills! He has commented on them repeatedly.
I am really going to need you guys the next couple of days. Thank you so much.
Yet another good sign! He put his ring on...! You really have him thinking now, orchid, and you want to keep him thinking... so while I'm certainly not an expert, and maybe someone else will jump in here for you, I believe 'dropping the rope' means that you let go. You realize you have no control over H's actions anymore and really never did, and you let him go. You get busy with your own life, don't contact H unless he contacts you first, no R talk unless he brings it up, you validate, be a friend, don't pursue, etc.
That said, you were doing all of these things before H came to visit you. It's just you've had a very unique experience with H at your place for the last few days, he's witnessed your changes which were made for you, not for him, and he seems very confused... I love it! So, when he leaves tmrw it will of course be sad! But then you get back to dropping that rope, getting on with your life, and I wouldn't be surprised if he started to pursue you more... you have him thinking and that is perfect! Maybe after he goes, you should re-read some of DR re: how to handle the WAS that starts warming up... but what I recall is to take it super slow and not push.
Well, so much for progress! I did not do so well last night. I sort of was just......zoned out.....or something.....
He said he definately has made up his mind that he wants this D right now. He wants me to really look over the papers and sign them. He said if I needed money bc I wanted my own attorney, he would give me money for that. He said he needs to feel like he is single and he wants to be with me of his own free will ............ not bc he is a good person and he SHOULD stay with me. He said he feels like I am NOT hearing him. He wants to try again, but after he has had time to get some things figured out about himself. He said there is definately something btw us and that he wants to try, but cannot right now. (he's on "empty" right now)....
Anyways, lets just say, I had a difficult time last night. I think he is throwing a tantrum and he wants his D right now! I did ask a lawyer what would happen if I do not sign anything and basically they said he could still go thru with it.....it may lengthen it 6 months while the courts try to find me...but, they have my address, so.....This is a no fault state and we have been living apart as it is.
A part of me wants to believe him. He said "If we are going to have a chance, you HAVE to let me go. Let me take care of myself. This is the best option where we both get what we want. You have said that the legal paper does not mean much to you. I need to get this D to "feel" that break from you."
I don't know. I'm really thinking of giving it to him. What's the point? He wants this done with as fast as possible.
Then as we are driving to the airport, he tells me he will come back to visit me in a couple of months?!!?? WHAT?
He said then maybe we can meet up someplace or something. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?????????? He kissed me goodbye on the lips and well......he was off. He seemed upset, I think.
He wants the D, but he is maintaining everything else??? He said he would like to send me some money to tide me over until I get my first couple of paychecks. I just got really mean and said "NO". Its easier for him that way! He is trying to make himself feel less guilty.
A part of me does believe that he needs an official BREAK from everything...but, what is the guarantee that he will try again and what, is this how we are going to handle problems, just leave each other "legally" and start over? A part of me is hanging on to some myth I'm sure, but am I not supposed to stay married.....not get married, then divorce with the understanding that we MAY get married again? WHAT? Is it just me or am I getting some very confusing signals. I looked over the settlement. There is nothing to really settle....we are both in apartments. He has his parents home (which I dont want) and he is paying all the debt we have. There are no other assets and I don't want alimony. I'm thinking of having an attorney look it over, sign it, and send it off.
You know he is stupid if he wants to D me after this weekend. We had a fabulous time (by his own admission). So maybe I really do just need to let him go...for real. and wait and see what happens.
It's obvious he's trying to control the situation AND control you. He feels like you've "trapped" him or "won't let him go". BS!
My W said the same thing to me. I told her she has the choice to do whatever she wants, I have no "control" over her. Same as yourself. Just because you don't agree with what your H wants, suddenly you're controlling. It's typical WAS talk. They continue to heap blame on the LBS because they can't deal with their issues themselves and refuse to get help.
That's where your boundaries come in to play. You should not have let him kiss you on the lips when he left. You've got your dignity too. Let him do the work if he wants but he can't "make" you sign just like that.
Read over your post again. "He wants me to really look over the papers and sign them." What's with the "he wants". Do what you need to do.
Get representation on your own if possible so you don't owe him anything. You don't need a buyout. If he thinks your M is a simple commodity that can be bought, then he needs to think again.
Learn the rules and protect yourself first and foremost. Stop engaging with him. You have the papers, fine. But he can't make you sign them right then and there. If he calls you to see if you've signed, tell him you have the papers and are looking them over. then end it. If he keeps calling you asking if you've signed them, tell him that you told him what you were doing and that he doesn't have to keep checking up on you. If he keeps calling after that, just don't answer his calls. You're going to find out that his anxiousness is going to turn into an obsession with him then demanding you to sign or accusing you of things.
Stay in control. You'll see your H change from a grown man into a teenage boy right before your very eyes. Don't let him pull you on his emotional rollercoaster.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Wow, it sounds like such a confusing, emotionally charged visit.
I can relate to you on som ethings and sympathize with how confusing this all is.
I like Stuck's advice to you above. I think that its very encouraging that your H. had such a good time with you..he will have those positive memories to reference when "sorting out" what he wants. I can relate to hearing references to MLC/identity crisis from H., and think that you should "drop the rope" as they say and keep with your new job, your GALing, and put him aside until he can be more clear about what he wants.
Avoiding the D is a condundrum because while you should not be manipulated into doing something you don't want (they want the D, they should have to facilitate it) if you resist it or refuse to sign, H. will only focus on you not respecting/honoring what he wants right now. I'd say discuss it with him as little as possible. If he contacts you to ask about the status, say "I'd rather let the lawyers handle this, mine will contact yours about the paperwork. I understand how you feel about it so there is no need for us to discuss if further. It's all in process".
Wondering how you are feeling now that he is gone. Take some time to decompress, then sort through your feelings and priorities. You are managing this so well.
Take care-
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
well, just wanted to say I was very surprised when he just leaned down and kissed me.......really didn't see it coming. But, it was just a peck.
I will get in touch with my lawyer tomorrow and start her looking at my paperwork.
Thanks for your support and reply.
HEY TRAVELDANE....I am going to do nothing right now.....I totally am exhausted physically and emotionally. My priorities are myself and my career and other than that.......I will think about it in this next few days and send out the paperwork to a lawyer.
Thank you for the reply........It is really interesting, cuz I feel ok. I think I have really given him pause and that is exactly what I wanted. I just need to decide if I can live with Divorcing him and then starting over. Its a trust issue for me. But, on the other hand, he is willing to try and that is all I asked him for. Its NOT HOW I would want this...but, I really need to figure out if I can be ok with this approach. SIGH.
H is so dramatic. It is up to me to maintain balance in this situation, I think.
It is a difficult decision. But then again, did I really think it was going to be that easy?
Sometimes I feel like doing something with it just to see if he will ever notice. Although he never goes in there, when I'm here anyway. I wear mine sometimes, but more and more lately I don't feel like it.