Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Just wanted to journal about tonight. It helps me think things over as well.

So we met and went out for dinner. H always wants to eat when I see him! I suppose its that time of day since its almost always after work. It went ok. I think I did my part well, as far as what I planed to do.

I still feel like I am missing some things in there when we talk. He told me about his bday, said it wasnt the best one ever but was ok. So I asked why wasn't it so great? and he said, you know how my family is they didn't get me anything and didn't even all bother to call, etc etc. I wouldn't say his family is a 'family' in the same sense mine is, which is something he always liked from being a part of 'my' side of the family. Bc he doesn't get that at home. He couldn't believe how birthdays/holidays are with my family, he always felt really special when my family did him a birthday party, I know it was a big deal for him. I tried to say that he knows, his family's responce is not bc of him or a reflection of him. I tried to say something else here about this cant really remember how or what. but I could tell he was pretty down about this and actually got quite sad, as he often does about how they treat him and how this makes him feel as a result. I got a bit tripped up and didn't really know what to say bc I could see he was being open about it and really showing his emotions and must of felt quite vulnerable. I think a lot of his self esteem problems come from this and from him always trying to do well and show them or make them proud but then rarely get acknowledged or whatever. He often said he feels nothing he does is ever good enough and sadly holds himself to the same standards.

Anyway I guess I need to work on how to communicate with him when he does open up. I think in the past I would validate and comfort him lovingly but now need to find a way that still works with the distance that is between us, if that makes sense.

He talked to me about my apartment search and what I am thinking of doing, if anything was set up. He mentioned about needing to come and pack his things up sometime. Also said its a nightmare bc he'll have to move it to where he is living now, but that he knows he has to move in less than 8 weeks (landlord wants house back) but needs to find a new place so will have to move all his stuff twice. We talked about this and other options.

Every thing else went smoothly. I gave him the gift, he really liked it. He said it was really nice of me. I told him I wanted to do something for him and that he got me something, etc. didnt say this but I also thought he prob wouldn't get anything from his family or anything so thought it would mean a lot to him as a gesture.

We touched on money issues and I offered to do what I had planned on doing, he said I could just wait til next time. But I said I didn't see any point in waiting and it would probably help him out if he was struggling (ok maybe shouldnt of said that) I also brought up the deposit on the apt here. I said its prob fair if we split that when it comes back. He didn't like this and just said did you pay towards it when we moved in? I said well I didn't have a job at that point since we moved here for your job, but that it was 'our' income at the time. I think this was all getting a bit sticky, could see it could turn into an argument but didnt get drawn in, just stated my side and listened to his and said ok, lets think on it. but I'm sure I paid some stuff somewhere and thought this was fair. He got quite annoyed but kept it pretty held back. I could tell tho he was upset. He just said he doesn't want to think about bills and money, he hasnt checked his bank in a while doesnt even know how much he has left this month. This is a bad habit of his, not wanting to deal with problems so ignoring them...ha, like he did with relationship problems until it was so far down the road I didn't even have a clue. I see this reoccurring still especially with money things. But hey im not here to fix his problems! Gotta let this go. He wanted to talk about it next time when we do the bills. So I left it but again said what I was going to do(as it was what I had decided and didn't see a point in waiting on that part) he acknowledged and said ok.

He gave me a big hug as he left. I peeked out the window to see him go (I used to always do this and wave when we were together) but he saw me and waved! crap! should have stayed away, but he caught me so just waved instead. I guess it doesn't matter, but don't want him to think I'm watching him go, but then again...he was looking for me when he left?

Anyway, gosh sorry this got long again, I tend to get 'thinking' away sometimes.

He always texts me after he leaves on his way home. He said thanks for everything and it was good catching up.

I had mentioned that I know the moving things is hard on both of us but that I am willing to work with him and that I am sure it will all be ok.

He said he is glad we can both sort it out as it wouldnt be fair left to one person. Then he said, it would be good for both of us to have it all done and dusted. And that he is really glad we can still have a chat and stuff.

SO I think it was ok, I didn't get upset when he talked about moving his things out, but then he didn't really want to commit to a date or anything to do it either. Also didn't really like the 'done and dusted' comment, but well can't really say much to that can I?

I didn't mention OW, I get the feeling that its not what he thought it would be. Don't even know if OW is an OW? But as long as its a possibility I am treating her as one.

Thanks to those that stuck with me thru these long posts! And for all the support I've gotten, it really helps so much especially to get outside views on my sitch since sometimes its like being in the middle of a whirl not being able to see it all clearly.

[hopeful_cb]

Not so many bumps in my road the last few days. I had a good time last night with a couple of friends watching dvd's and relaxing, ended up staying over at friends house. I had a quiet day at work today too which was good since i was up too late last night! A group of us took a long lunch and went out to eat which was fun too and it has been really hot and sunny out so we ate outside. Im feeling really tired tonight so will try and catch up on some sleep. And I have a training day tomorrow so it should be an easier day and then I finish early. Looking forward to the weekend to rest and relax and do something I want to do that aren't the usual work and essay writing. I have got plans on sat to meet a few friends and see a movie and maybe get some food. Besides on my list are gym and house cleaning, have so much to catch up on around the house!

On another note, was supposed to meet w H after work bc he wanted to 'go over bills' with me. I had a 'feeling' this may not happen as it would make 3 meetings in like 8 days! and especially bc it had to do with important stuff which is what H is trying his best to avoid and ignore right now. He just emailed in the day to say he hadn't got round to looking up all the bill info and had to work late so couldnt meet and he'd let me know when he sorted the bill info so we can go thru it. I didn't actually respond. I got the message, I adjusted my plans, not much to email back about, maybe just an 'ok.' I was feeling exhausted by the end of the day so was somewhat relieved. And then on to the next thing....

[orchid01]

Hi hopeful,

I haven't checked your blog in a while and was thinking of you this morning. It sounds like you are really doing well.

In a way, I would say you are lucky to have so many opportunities to meet with H. 3 meetings in 8 days is pretty good, I'm thinking.... that is 3 separtate times to look Fabulous and be "As if" and show him you are GAL. I think the thing that really bugged my H when he was here was that I was living in a manner that did not REQUIRE his presence. He got it that I DON"T NEED him. Of course, it will probably take another year or more to get to "He WANTS me", but hey........one step at a time right? I read somewhere that WAS watch our every move, even when we think they are not...they are looking for consistency in our change, I think.

Also, I think you are doing a great job not being too available...that is always the most difficult part.

I just wanted to go back a couple of entries ago and comment on the just being friends thing....

For now, yes you are "just friends"....to him. However, Inside, you have an entire other plan. Just remember that. He cannot see you thru the eyes of a H, but as friends you can make him wish he was with you. That is the opportunity you are trying to focus on. Its your chance to show him you are a woman only a fool would leave!

I think its so amazing that you don't respond to his texts and emails right away. I still am working on that...now, bc I am busy, I may not get to seeing his texts/emails/calls, but when I see it, my first reaction is to just contact him ASAP! I am inspired by your will power and strength to stop and reasses before reacting!

Hope you met up with your friends and had a good dinner and a movie last night. What movie did you see? Hope you are having a good Sunday!

[kara]

Hey Orchid

Here is a little trick I used once when I felt tempted to respond quickly. I turned my phone off and left it off for a couple of hours, immersed myself in an activity and when I turned the phone back on the urge to respond had passed. Worked for me!

However, I usually respond quickly to his texts as he usually does to mine. I don't think that in my sitch there is much danger to be posed by my responding quickly because I think that my overall approach demonstrates that I am not needy and dependant. He GETS this very clearly. But in a case where you are physically separated, this may be one of your only chances to show the "new you", so we each have to decide what works for us.

[hopeful_cb]

Orchid thanks for that, I dont know how well I really am doing with the sitch, but I feel like im doing better with myself. Im doing the best I can with what Ive got but still question my decisions often.

Kara thanks for the tip, Im sure there are days when I need them still! I find it a lot easier not to answer quickly these days, but we all have hard times! I think for my sitch it def does me good for H to know I am NOT sitting around waiting for his every beck and call. He needs to know this(I think)and it makes me feel better about myself. I even started turning it off while at work, or not texting during work hrs and turning it off or at least on silent when I am doing things for myself so as not to let it interrupt or distract me.

I half still find myself thinking maybe I should just not see him at all, does he even deserve time with me? but I think I am just really frustrated with things, no matter how its going we always want more.

I did get to see H a lot recently, eventho he canceled the last meeting. I think after he sees me for awhile he starts to feel bad/guilty about all the sh*t he is doing to me and then pulls away to try and deal with it (i know complete mind reading, right!)

Havent heard anything recently since he canceled, but didn't expect to, have no practical reason to speak to him so just havent.

I still find it hard to communicate with him, there are so many things I'd like to say about things that dont have to do with me and H and the R, but just dont know how to say them without going back into the W&H dynamic I have been so used to for years, so instead I just find myself not saying anything about things.

Thinking back I am getting annoyed about some comments H had made to me, most recently, he said I should/could always go visit my 'friend' back where we used to live(a lovely family, I kind of worked for taking care of her son while I lived there). Thinking back its like he's trying to find me things to do, like I can't do it myself, like he's still trying to take care of me, baby me, suggesting activities for poor ol me. Feels the same way he talks to me about his worries I wont be able to handle the bills etc. I really need him to see I can do this myself, I have been doing it myself and I dont NEED him. I dont need him to fix things for me, to take care of me or to worry I can't handle it! Gosh that is really getting me annoyed.

I had a really good weekend. I watched dvd on friday night with myself had a nice relaxing night and got to talk to my sister and her kids for a long while on the phone. Sat, I went to gym(yey) did some shopping, looking for some new flowers but didnt find the right ones and bought me some new shoes, that were like free bc I had a gift certificate from my bday still! and then I went for dinner and a movie with the girls. We saw my sister's keeper, everyone was crying in the theater by the end! Today I got a text from a friend saying do I want to go do some shopping, so she came over and we went into town, I got 2 new tops and a summery cardigan for work and then we got some ice cream and took it to another friends house and ate it in the grass outside. It was such a nice hot summer weekend here. I am hoping for more of those! I am also starting to plan a camping trip for the near future and already got 3 girls on the bandwagon agreeing to go!

Also I find I always post about H first then about ME!! I need to change this up, I come first right? Right. I guess its bc I post when venting or journaling...but still!

[hopeful_cb]

Oh yeh, and I just had a knock on my door and it was my new neighbor introducing himself. He's moved in with the guy that lives across the hall. I noticed someone had been parking in my parking space, but didnt get annoyed since I dont have a car. The old me would have been annoyed, eventho theres no logic behind it!

Well he said he came to apologize for parking in my space and ask if that is ok, I told him he can continue to if that helps since I only use it for visitors (and there is a visitors space) and he gave me 2 bottles of wine! That was nice, those kind of things I dont see happening much anymore. And he stopped to chat saying that the guy from number 5 said I am from X and he wanted to ask if thats true.

So I am getting to know my neighbors a lot now that H isnt here I actually make time to stop and say hello when I see them. And I am glad.

[mnt_dreams]

Great insight, hopeful. Recognizing that you were posting about H first, and yourself second... You deserve to focus on yourself first right now!

Sounds like you're feeling pretty good... connecting with neighbors that you wouldn't normally have is excellent. Challenging yourself to try new things, accept invites you normally might have declined, doing things for yourself like chick flicks and ice cream in a hot day... I love your PMA! Nice job!

[hopeful_cb]

Today has been an ok day, its been hot here so was hard not to get distracted at work and then I had several appointments cancel so was pretty bored.

I woke up this morning 2 hrs early feeling pretty anxious, but dont know why, nothing has changed or happened. After work I had a little sleep to catch up and the same thing happened, keep waking up from my sleep feeling really anxious. And then this starts to worry me and it turns into a cycle. Ah.

H text me during work today saying, hi and that he hadn't looked at bills n stuff yet. would I like to meet to talk about it? he is free wed or friday, otherwise he can just call me about it one night.

I haven't answered, dont know what to say really. I dont know why he is making such a big deal out of this, all I need is a list with the amount for each. I dont think its complicated. so it makes me wonder if H is using this as an excuse to meet up? I dont want his pity if thats what it is, and I dont want him to feel like I am pressuring him to keep seeing me(although i dont know how i would be doing this) but I get the feeling he feels this way. Should I just ask him straight out? Should I just assume that since he's asked me then he wants to?

In the past that has been a problem for us, I would normally assume i know what hes thinking and act accordingly but he would say i dont really know what he's thinking i just think i do, etc. so i guess if i were to handle it differently, ie in a better way I'd have to try something different, so maybe just talk to him about it? not sure if he'd answer truthfully tho. Am I completely over thinking this!?

Sorry for all this rambling, now I feel like the crazy guy on the street corner!

[mnt_dreams]

Hmmm... overthinking it, maybe, but you haven't gone crazy - yet!

My two cents - don't ask him about it. Just get together in person b/c it's another opportunity to show you're doing well, and just talk about the bills, friendly-like. Then it might lead into just casual discussion about life, plans, etc. Don't bring up the OW, don't ask why he didn't want to just talk about it on the phone or via email... b/c you're really too busy to over-analyze that stuff. You're GAL and carving out a little time to meet with H but keep it casual, laid back and be your fun self!

[hopeful_cb]

Me, I am ok, getting on day by day. Work is going pretty ok, was quite irritated today due to running late, forgeting some things at home, not sleeping v well last 2 nights and was getting annoyed at work by a co-worker. So letting that go now, tomorrow is another day. I used to be annoyed like that all the time, several times a week, but now it is a rarity for me. That is a good change. Tomorrow I will get back on track. Again I skipped the gym (forgot my lock and membership card! gr) so thursday I will aim to get back.

Today I typed an email to H saying, theres no pressure about the bills stuff, just get me a list when you get a chance to sort it as long as its by the end of july. and if theres anything i can help with just let me know. We can still meet up if you would like to, thats up to you, im free on wed so just let me know. (I wanted to say if you want to see me then we can arrange something when Im free, but dont feel like you have to) THEN I DELETED IT.

I guess I am frustrated bc I want him to admit he wants to spend time with me, if thats true, not just keep making up excuses like he has to. I want him to tell me his intentions bc I want to stop guessing and thinking about it.

Then I thought why am I basing what I do on what he does or doesnt say. That is not going to work especially when I cant even figure out what he is saying (and he prob doesnt know either!) I need to make my own decision based on what I feel ok with and what I want.

So I thought take the lead, say when I can meet, talk about the money stuff and then move on. I'll have it sorted and he won't be able to use it as an excuse anymore.

So I just said yeh we can meet if u would like and have a chat about this stuff, i can do wed, so let me know.

I keep throwing in 'if you would like' or 'if you want to' looking back I am seeing it a lot. I think I am trying to convey that I'm not bothered either way (so I dont feel bad if he doesnt). Or maybe my backward way of getting him to say he wants to. I need to stop this and think of a better way to put my words.

So anyway thats that. I know I am over analyzing stuff, but I am handling things by not thinking about them in the day and doing getting on with things and then some of my time in the evening I do some thinking. I suppose its my way to vent and then get on with the day/evening.

Reading that back, I see the phrase I want him to xxxx several times, clearly I need to change this to I want to xxxx.