Dealing With Ambivalence

[Bagheera]

I told her "Our son is the one who is hurt the most by this, because he has to live in such a tense, sterile environment."

HOLY CRAP did this make her mad.....

V,

*Never* use the children as a bargaining chip or a "guilting mechanism" against your wife. This is about you, and her, and your relationship, so keep the focus of the R talks/discusisons there. The "look what a lousy parent you're being" attack/criticism is a low-blow, and will not result in anything constructive.

Have I recommended John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work to you before? The chapters regarding how to have NON-destructive disagreements and discussions are priceless.

I'm not saying you shouldn't stand up for yourself. I'm not even saying that you shouldn't be able to withdraw into the man-cave and regroup from time to time (although women generally *hate* this) --> you might even just tell her "I just need some time to myself to think and regroup." But you do need to be able to express yourself and get your point across in a way that (a) doesn't make her feel attacked and in need of defending herself, and (b) has the best chance of having her actually *hear* what you're saying.

Don't fuss at her the way she fusses at you: she has some correcting to do in this area too. One wrong communication method + another wrong communicatin method = distance, hurt feelings, and zero understanding.

-- B.