GETTING UN'STUCK'

[aliveandkicking]

I'm out with H. Gonna think and write more later. Mostly yes to what you wrote.

[MrBond]

Good luck.

[25yearsmlc]

aak,

So do you think she may be in a confused state right now?

Who knows? You are asking someone who has never met your w, to read your words in order to read your wife's mind...anything seem odd about that? .... Stop this!

I do get that vibe from her and I think that she is "trying" but not wanting to re-commit to anything because she felt that we were OVER. Throw the OM in the mix and you end up with alot of crazy emotions.

Really? Like what you just said? "vibe" and what AK thinks your w thinks, but "felt" and then "throw in"....crazy emotions?? You are making yourself crazy and emotional and this is not healthy...or helpful to you. You need to re-read Kevin's thread now and veer off of this type of behavior...really don't go down this road. And AK, you know I love you but watch out for too much projecting...dangers go both ways.

I guess it would have been easier for her if I was acting like an @$$, but I threw her off with my awesomeness!

All of this is pursuit in some form...all of it.

I don't know if it makes any sense, but she just seems...empty.

GOOD GRIEF!!

I think sandi mentioned that was how she felt after the high of the OM.

Well by all means ask another woman what SHE felt at some point in HER past to see what YOUR WIFE FEELS NOW....do you hear yourself?

j-

[MrBond]

25,

ACK, now there's a Kevin sized 2x4!

Don't worry, I haven't fallen off the DB wagon. I was just asking aak to clarify what she meant since she said she could understand where my W was coming from. I know no one can really know, but I just add it to my little mental notes along with sandi's and Greek's so I know how to better understand and talk to my W.

I'm not letting it cloud my judgement though because I know how this roller coaster keeps changing at every turn. This helps me to determine what are "cheeseless" tunnels in my sitch. I definitely don't want to go back to where things were hostile between us. In fact, I think because of my DB efforts, we've gotten to where we are today. And I don't hang on my W's every action like I did before. I just note the positives like Coach says and avoid the negatives.

Oh and about the "awesomeness" comment, it was just a light-hearted remark that came from Kung Fu Panda. I figured aak might have appreciated that. Just trying to get my swagger back. Not for her, mind you, but myself. Kind of what robx pointed out.

[25yearsmlc]

I liked the awesomeness part.

That part was healthy!

j-

[confusedinpa]

Do you have any suggestions for a B-Day gift that's "safe"?

I'm by no means an expert on this one, but I would think a simple card with a gift certificate for something/place that she uses frequently (i.e. Itunes, favorite nail salon or hair place). Another thing could be if she has a hobby, something that would support that.

So overall, it would be something that would imply that you really do know/understand what she likes/wants.

Afterall, isn't that what women want in the men? Someone who understands their needs/wants?

[aliveandkicking]

And AK, you know I love you but watch out for too much projecting...dangers go both ways.

Well, yes, I keep sort of saying "I shouldn't do this, but..." and I will stop because I am sort of figuring my own sh*t out vicariously and it isn't fair to Stuck because obviously I don't know AND that is not the work that one should be doing with the DBing.

Besides, my conclusion is that I don't know what the heck my H "could have done" that would have worked, I don't know if there was a way.

And, THAT is the point Stuck, any pursuing will not work (actions other than doing what works for you which may at some point include taking a firmer stance).

She may not get it, she, the M may not be fixable...you (we) need to really hone in on our own lives and post less about WASs...IMO.

Thanks for setting me straight 25, I don't want to be spinning others out, it is bad enough to spin so much myself.

[MrBond]

aak,

hey now, that sounded like a defeated attitude coming from you. I hope your "date" went alright.

[MrBond]

What I've decided is to get her a gift certificate to a spa. I'm going to have the card written out from myself and our Ds. Then Saturday night, I'm going to take us all out to dinner. There's a revolving restaurant at the top of a hotel in Waikiki that has amazing views. My kids will like that while my W and I can get some snippets of talk alone.

Sometimes it sucks to have the same birth date, as I'm always the one planning it. But oh well.

How's that sound?

[aliveandkicking]

aak,

hey now, that sounded like a defeated attitude coming from you. I hope your "date" went alright.

Oh no, not defeated at all. Just seeing things clearly. You CAN'T change another person nor figure out their motivation.

My date was fine. My H was who he is and has pretty much always been though he has lost some of his chivalry (I'm his STBXW, doesn't have to impress me)...I had a nice time overall.

I want to get into a space where I am not analyzing and dissecting. It is really sucking the energy out of me. He likes being the center, I'm ok with that in some contexts but I am the star of my own show.

Maybe, I'm just losing interest in this whole "Gee, what does the depressed, miserable, emotionally unavailable, self-centered, erratic WAS want/need from me?"

If I sound defeated, I'm not, I am feeling a sense of stepping into some realm of objective reality. I highly recommend it.

I am still treating him well and doing my thing, this is about who and what I want occupying my brain space.

Frankly, it shouldn't be my WAS or yours.

I am however interested in what is happening with you.

BTW- Your birthday plans sound heavenly, if she's not into it, I'm all over it.