Why are you allowing this child to jerk you around? Yeah, that's harsh, and I am wondering why you chose someone so young.
You admit that she is young and then went on to qualify this by saying she's already lived a hell of a life. So? Nowhere did I get the impression that in spite of her age, you feel she is mature. Are you one of those men who need to rescue the damsel in distress?
The problems she has are not your fault and are certainly not something that you can fix. Have you considered going pitch black? You don't have kids, she moved a hundred miles or more away from you, stands you up all the time, plays mind games, etc.
I think Puppy had the right idea. Kick her to the curb and find a woman who is ready for a mature, loving relationship.
hi kimmie,
thank you for your POV. so you're saying,
1. since i've already went completely dark once, started to rebuild and regain her friendship and trust, i should now again go completely dark on her.
2. since she has completely stopped contact w/ OM from 1 yr ago, it's been over a week since she txtd him, she's still eating cake and ....?
3. her getting sick and then telling me, is somehow her way of saying it's my fault, although she said she's been miserable since she left and i never told her anything of the sort back?
4. stood me up once before this and then i told her to turn around after she had already driven about 45 mins to come here because of a tornado storm, qualifies as her standing me up all the time. also she let me know the first time she wasn't coming a few hours before she was going to leave. that's how i knew to go out to dinner and the movie which cascaded into me having a "date."
5. Give up on someone who has began to express feelings that she hasn't for a few months, with the exception of the end of MAY, and go find someone else to be with.
did i understand that all correctly?
And as for her maturity, do i believe she is mature? i believe she has many VERY mature qualities for a 21yo. I know 43yo's who are less mature in everything that they do then her. Was i mature in my first M? not really. I was confused and that was my fault and it failed not for a lack of me trying to work on it. and i'm glad it didn't because i never would have met my current W.
Is she responsible 100% of the time? no. Am i responsible 100% of the time? absolutely not.
then i finally asked myself, did she need rescuing when i first met her? not really. did we grow into some extreme case of codependency over the years? absolutely. hind sight is 20/20, and i know where i veered off the road in my current R. I believe this gives me the first hand knowledge i need to get back on track when and if gates begin to open for me, like they have the last 3 or 4 days.
and on the final note, why did i choose someone so young? i can't relate to women my age. still even til this day. then there are other 21 to 24 yo females that i see every nite at work that i could in no possible way relate to either. my W, i always could including when we first met and even now in our current sitch. i was in her place once. i looked for an escape at first from my 1st marriage. then realized i was being an idiot and gave it another go. i can honestly say i tried less then whole-heartedly my first time. i love my W and she is slowly showing me she might be worth holding out for as far as a R is concerned.
But this time around, i'm in the OP's seat, the LBS. i know she's confused. i know she's hurt. i know she's miserable. There's nothing i can do about it. what could i do?
but when she is in true need, i'm not going to stop being a best friend to someone i do consider MY BEST FRIEND. i'm not a martyr anymore. i used to act like one at times during our R, but i don't now. i'm learning to set boundaries, but going dark/black on her, especially when she is having medical problems? that feels wrong and heartless to me. THAT would be violating my own sense of "right." i can't do that and will NOT do that.
watching her phone records for the past week, she really hasnt' done anything wrong herself. most of the time people call her, her conversations are very short. she hasn't texted much since the initial week she's left. i see positives all around in her behavior. and if i do see something strange, do you know how much it bothers me? ZERO.
if she decides to come home, there will be new boundaries. i also will not judge her (something i would do subtly in the past). nor will i tolerate crap from her (something i've done in the past). i'm not scared of the future. actually if she never comes back i'll be more then fine. this isn't a game to me. i love my W, but i'm not leaving my self-respect outside the front door if she ever decides to walk through it someday. i've come too far to let that happen
Maybe taking the Hard Line would work. Just sayin....
thank you for the link! so you think taking a hard line with her would work? help me figure something out tho. i don't understand what i'm taking a hard line against.
there is no OM right now. the OM she txtd for a day and half the first week she was gone lives farther away from her then i do. also, she's had no contact with him for 12 days and she's been gone 15 now. how should i go about doing this?
i don't know that the Hard Line would work, and maybe she really has given up her OM.
but i don't think so. he may have dumped her and you may be her good-for-now guy. she hasn't moved home, she keeps you on a string to talk to you when she feels like it.
i just think that it's ok for you to stop being available right now.
should you ever tell your W you are detaching from her and moving on?
i love her. but this is tearing me apart. sunday and monday seemed so positive. then yesterday and today nothing. i feel like i need to detach because i realize now how much i was depending on contact from her to still have a good day.
so my question really is, should i send her the letter i wrote telling her i'm letting her go? or do i just "act as if" i sent it to her and let things roll on? it helped me tremendously to write all of my feelings down. could this be sort of a LRT for me?
help... i'm confused about what to do with her, but like i said i do feel a little better having let my feelings out. and yes i know i know i can only control what i do, i never believed i could control her in anyway
Right or wrong, i sent my W the letter. I told her i am letting her go. Not one word about anything she ever did wrong. did say alot about things where i know i went wrong in the relationship. let her know that i will survive just fine on my own by myself.
i also told her that i believe in her and always had faith in her. told her that i do miss her and us, and that i do love her, but that this is it, i am not going to continue going through this.
i have detached considerable today from her. as i reread what i wrote last nite, i read it like it meant nothing to me. in a way it doesn't because she probably wasn't going to come back either way. I have accepted it and now feel like i can move on with life. at least i feel like i can finally get some sleep tonite
W called today twice - didn't answer, and textd saying she would like to talk to me. didn't reply.
pdt, coach, kimmie? any words of wisdom for me? i would like to know what she has to say, but i think i should let her sit and think about this for a day or two.
she just left a message while i'm typing this, saying i'm still her best friend and she'd like to talk to me... hmmm, i need some support!!!
oh, she just textd me "sorry, i'll quit buggin you" just now, too
I wouldn't NOT respond to her -- that's just rude.
Are you READY to talk to her? Do you know what you want, what your boundaries would be this time? What would be different?
If you're ready, then meet with her -- but at a time that's convenient for YOU, not her first-offered day/time.
If you're NOT ready, then tell her something like "I'm not ready to discuss this yet; I have some decisions to make. I'll be back in touch later today or tomorrow."
Joshua, I would want to know up front what she wants to "talk" about. I say that because I was led to the slaughter by my h when I agreed to meet him for lunch. It was just another rejection and I don't know why he bothered. Well, yes I do....my h loves to inflict pain.
To me, unless she wants to come home, I just wouldn't bother. You don't have kids and I would go with FightingFit's method. Don't allow your w to wean herself away from you. Stop letting her call the shots.
I wouldn't NOT respond to her -- that's just rude.
Are you READY to talk to her? Do you know what you want, what your boundaries would be this time? What would be different?
If you're ready, then meet with her -- but at a time that's convenient for YOU, not her first-offered day/time.
If you're NOT ready, then tell her something like "I'm not ready to discuss this yet; I have some decisions to make. I'll be back in touch later today or tomorrow."
Puppy
thank you Puppy
i'm definately not trying to be rude. but i think you guys were right about me always being there too much when she called and texted.
i can talk to her, i've detached significantly from my sitch and her. i've completely convinced myself she isn't coming back, so i don't really believe that i would say or do anything wrong to push her farther away.
it took her leaving for me to realize i needed to change. it was the catalyst that made it happen. in a way, maybe this would be a catalyst for her too. that's not my intention for sending her my "detachment/letting her go" letter. just letting her know i'm moving forward with my life, and that i can't let my emotions get to me like they have been.
maybe i'll text her back in a bit. she's 2.5 hours away, so meeting to talk wouldn't work very well, BUT that is the way i would like it to be if we did talk. this over the phone BS is getting old.
