(This is a repost from Newcomer's board - it was suggested that my issue might be better discussed here.)
I'm brand new to this board so I apologize that I'm not using most or really any of the abbreviations.
I've been married for a year and a half, we have a 9 month old daughter, no As, no separation, no drama ... just infrequent sex (like 1/wk) and only when I initiate. I don't think I even realized until recently that I was the only initiator through our whole relationship including when dating ... It probably was around the time that I confronted my husband about his viewing of porn. I knew that he looks at it and I don't have a problem with it so long as it isn't INSTEAD of having a physical relationship with me. I kind of freaked out in the most calm way possible and told him that I wasn't judging him and I didn't want him to feel ashamed but that I knew that he looks at porn and I wanted to use this opportunity to let him know that I have a sex drive too and that it is important to me and to our relationship that we have sex and that he initiate (at least SOMETIMES). He told me he understood ... etc ... nods ... no explanation. And no change. We've discussed this several times. I sobbed last week trying to explain how important sex is for our relationship.
I never thought this was a problem or an issue b/c, although I've had several partners, my husband has never been with anyone sexually or otherwise other than me so I assumed that his behavior was merely "shyness." But we've been together for 6 years ( 4 1/2 dating and 1 1/2 marriage) and this has never changed. I basically have to show up naked or in lingerie in order for him to get the hint. I am not a subtle lady so he should have picked up on this way before I took off my clothes. I'm not interested in being the initiator and I have never declined sex from my husband if/when it was offered (which was never). And I am sure that he doesn't have a sex drive problem.
I know that comparatively this is less dire and dramatic than some others but I am finding myself restless and trapped in my marriage. I know myself and I find that I daydream about leaving and running away with basically any man / woman / human who will be willing to acknowledge my sexuality. It has gotten to the point that even when we do ML, I'm not that interested. I'm almost ... I can't believe I'm going to say this ... grossed out. So there's my problem.
Anyone able to offer some kind words to a caged bird?
I have been in an emotionally exhausting SSM for over 5 years. Please believe me - you have to do something about it. I just "gave it time" and everything just got worse and worse.
Here is my advice, for what it's worth.
1. Find a marriage counselor that does sex therapy. Contact them and set up an appointment, right away. 2. Go to that appointment and bring your husband. If he won't go, make sure to go and see that therapist anyway. Eventually you will be able to figure out how to get him to come with you.
You still have time to turn this around. I probably don't, and I can tell you first hand that you are probably looking at a very serious, marriage-threatening situation if this is not addressed quickly and effectively. Be proactive. Be provocative and get in his face. Value yourself, and insist that he meets your needs. You are worth it and you deserve it!!
ME: 46/W:44 M: 6 years S: 4 Bomb: 1/20/09 SSM 2004-present marital therapy began 2/09 neither of us want divorce.. yet
Have you read SSM or SSW yet? Those are both essential reading for you. Buckle in with your stack of books and expect this to be a long learning process for YOU. Most of us start out here just thinking "I want a good sex life and my partner is in the way of that because he/she will/won't (fill in the blanks) and it is all their fault". We tend to think that we are the ones who are "right" and know what we want and our parnters are somehow deliberately with-holding what we want and we cannot figure out why.
SSM and/or SSW, and Passionate Marriage will help you understand it is much, much more than just the fact that your H is not initiating. You have a role to play here, too. You married him knowing he was sexually "shy", which is how you explained it to yourself. You can try to tell yourself that you were victimized and "didn't know" it "wouldn't get better". But really, think about that, is it logical? The truth is probalby more something like this:
You have your own fears and intimacy issues, and you married a man who would not push your boundaries, but instead, a man who YOU would have to push. This puts you in a position of being the pushy one instead of being pushed. Is there any thing in that which sounds true or like something your subconscious mind is doing to you??
I am just guessing, it could be any number of things. I am just getting at the fact that you brought to the marriage some set of inner rules or emotional baggage which helped create your SSM together with your H. It is not all just him and "he needs to be fixed".
Now with having said that....
Actually he does have a lot to be fixed from what it sounds like (ie: porn, lack of initiation, etc). But so far, it sounds promising that he will be willing to do his half of the work.
In order to get there though, you first have to do a large portion of your work....
Question: You said your H has never been with someone sexually before you. Can you explain why? Were you very young when you met? Or was he "holding out" for some religious reason? OR...?
Thank you all for your thorough and heartfelt responses.
I just got and am reading SSM. I already feel relieved and almost cried w/in the first chapter feeling like I know that it is right and good that I am addressing this issue before it really gets out of hand.
DQ - Yes you are very insightful. I have a dominant personality as does my mother. I also think that I intentionally chose and married a man who I know (think) would not cheat on me (or at least not initiate it!). To be complete, he is an AMAZING man who is loyal and loving and patient and intelligent. He's basically the description that every woman has in their mind when looking for a husband ... except for this.
I am excited and very nervous that the "problem" lies with me. I wonder if in other aspects of our relationship, I undermine him. I probably do. I wonder if that is part of it. I'm sure it is. But I think I hope he'll fight back. As I hope he'll be more aggressive sexually.
But in terms of him, I think we are also facing a PE issue that is very frustration for him (and ME!!!). I think at first it was due to his lack of experience but I think that it continues b/c of his inability / unwillingness to explore how to avoid it.
My H has never been with anyone other than me AT ALL including never having KISSED anyone. We started dating when he was 23 and I was 25. That is not very young. He was not holding out b/c of religious reasons although I wouldn't be surprised if Irish Catholic guilt played its part.
His parents are together and I don't know if they are happy in their relationship. They seem to be committed to each other but even though I spend a lot of time w/ them I don't have a good grasp on how their relationship is. MY parents are divorced and have separated / divorced for 10 years. I have a strong hunch that a LD vs. HD problem was part of it. I've basically recreated my parents' relationship. I think my mom had an A. And here I am making sure I can avoid it.
I think that it is too early for counseling. I haven't even told H that I am reading SSM. He is so sensitive that until I have really crafted my approach and understand myself a little better, I think I need to refrain from freaking him out.
Lamby, I can just tell by your responses that this is going to work out good for you...yours is not a lost cause in the least.
And good point about not asking him about counseling until you've done a little more self research and gotten an understanding of your own side of things first. That will help a lot. Whatever you can do to keep yourself from freaking out on him about it, will be good! Study and learn, study and learn. Do it like you are earning your masters degree in sexuality (which you will feel like that at the end of this process, believe me!)
You said: "I am excited and very nervous that the "problem" lies with me."
Just to be clear, the problem lies 50% in you, and 50% in him. Or rather, the problem lies 100% in the creation (relationship) you BOTH made, and not 100% in either one of you individually.
Make sense?
I just was pointing out that people usually come here thinking it is all their spouses fault. This is just normal human stuff, to feel victimized and not realize our own role in choosing these relationships.
My story is/was very sad...married young, it was an SSM for a hundred reasons, I had affairs, neither of us handled any of it correctly, ended up divorced without even trying counseling after 15 years (2 kids, now grown). And the thing is, and the reason why I am here is, I know now in retrospect that I could have stopped it from happening the way it did, and possibly even still be married. That's why its so awesome you are here. I was you when I was 2 years into my marriage, too. Had I had the good plan of seeking some help, somewhere, from someone...no matter how embarassing it may have been to ask for help or talk about these issues (it was very hard for me to talk about him not being that great of a lover...I would rather die than hurt his ego)...but instead, I did not do anything and what happened? Predators found me an easy target, and it all fell apart from there.
What a sad waste! We were just not communicating and now I realize that was the only true problem we had. Everything else could have been worked out!
So...pats on the back to you for probably saving your own marriage from hell. Awesome.
Re: the PE issue, yes of course, this is going to be part of it. He is insecure as a lover, of course, because he is inexperienced. He is the equivalent of some men who are aged 19 in the experience department. We'll get to that stuff. There will be lots of ways to improve this later when you've talked out some of the other stuff with him first. He will very likely get on board and also, he will be secretly so happy to have to be forced out of his innocence/adolescence/inexperience! No man wants to be a dud in bed and he probably fears he is one. With some time and reading by you, and then some great talks, he will finally have the chance to be forced into EXPERIENCE that will then lead him to be a better lover.
DQ thank you so much for sharing your story and your experience w/ me.
This has been a real eye-opener for me. Did not allow myself to see this as a problem and I thought that my restlessness was "natural" or somehow part of my personality. I am realizing that it isn't and that I have control (along w/ my H) over our relationship and our happiness. I'm feeling really positive.
But in terms of him, I think we are also facing a PE issue that is very frustration for him (and ME!!!). I think at first it was due to his lack of experience but I think that it continues b/c of his inability / unwillingness to explore how to avoid it.
As DQ says, this is not the right time to work this particular problem, but just to show you that it CAN be worked successfully, here is a link to an old post of mine on the topic of Premature Ejaculation. Been there, done that, tackled it, solved it. Tuck this link away in a bookmark for later use.
(And it goes to show you that we will discuss just about anything sexual here, that's relevent to solving SSM's!)
-- Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Bagheera - I agree and appreciate your advice and candor. I absolutely do not want to do anything to damage my H's ego in the bedroom PLUS just getting to the bedroom is part of the challenge. We'll have time to deal w/ what happens when we get there later. He's a kind person and a "pleaser" so I want to make sure I am as sensitive as I can be. I let him know tonight that I was "going to get a book for us" (said with a bit of a casual happy smile). "Its called 'Passionate Marriage.' What do you think?" He says, "I think that sounds great!" I'm waiting for the "SSM" bomb b/c that title is TOO heavy but I'm reading it on the sly.
Yes, the SSM title alone isn't really right for your sitch, because 1x per week is definitely not starved.
You are actually starved for a different type of attention, intimacy, feeling of excitement from feeling his desire for you....but you are actually getting sex far more than many/most on this board. So I can see why your H would be like "whaaa...?" if he knows you are reading SSM.
Its complicated.
Ever more so than you ever thought...
But so much more hopeful than you realized, I assure you!
