Dealing With Ambivalence

[Vigilant1]

Something snapped in me last night. Yesterday after MC (in the context of "physical affection") she said something like "I just don't feel that way about you". This did not go over at all well internally. NMMG already had me realizing that I'm like a little puppy dog, waiting for scraps of love to fall off the table. I realized that doing affection for appearance's sake (which is what it is on her end, I believe) is very harmful to my self respect and self confidence. Nothing is better.

So I stopped being affectionate. She noticed right away. Last night she asked "So.. you're giving in to distance?", and I said "yeah, I think so." This morning SHE initiated an R talk outside of therapy even though we're not supposed to (interesting that it's okay for her to do, ain't it??) and told me:

1. She felt like I am "not her friend" to withdraw affection.
2. She thought we were gradually becoming more affectionate and trusting and this takes us in the wrong direction.
3. I asked her what she WANTS (wrt affection). Again, she was very vague. She eventually suggested that SHE INITIATE for a while, and she was exasperated. AND THEN...

I told her "Our son is the one who is hurt the most by this, because he has to live in such a tense, sterile environment."

HOLY CRAP did this make her mad. This was the end of the R talk. She ran off to coop at preschool with S. No physical contact all morning before she left, but I was not seeking any.

My best friend says it's past time to stand up for myself. I really have to agree. And right now I don't care if it "wrecks the relationship". I don't want the relationship as it is anyway. I can't coddle this indifference. This has to change because it's poison to my soul.

I don't know if what I have done here is right or wrong "strategically". But it's what my heart told me to do. And this time I listened.