Cat, I was practically in tears when I read your post because once again, I am reading something that speaks to EXACTLY what I have been thinking about/needing to think about this week. I think I said in an earlier post that I don't believe in coincidences.
You are right about the alter ego thing. It is kind of hard at this point to sort out what is "normal" and the way things were before all this started and what is craziness. H has always acted differently at work, a different persona, more gregarious, etc. than he truly is when left to himself. He is by nature NOT an outgoing person. I have a feeling, though, that that his gregariousness at this point may be exaggerated with others in order to win their approval, whatever.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one of the "lessons" I am supposed to be learning through all of this and maybe a big reason why it is in my life is to learn about prayer and to finally have my faith moved from the back burner where it has been for awhile to the most important thing right now. Fortunately, I have been seeking God continuously as it has given me the peace and strength I need to do this thing. I don't know what I would do without it! I never before considered myself a "strong" person but I am happy to say I have proven myself (and others, I think, including H) wrong. It is hard, though, to see a man whose faith has been a part of his life up until recently discount it and turn from it, but maybe that is something God is also working on that I can't see. But it certainly would be hard for him to justify his decisions/actions in line with what he knows to be true, which I still believe deep down under all this garbage he does.
I felt like I was quite detached but then realized that you are right, I am still spending way too much energy worrying about him and his actions and trying to analyze everything he says/does and the times I do that are the times I get down. The times I don't I am more at peace/happier. I am happy to have had days lately where I have felt actual JOY - who knew.:) I think I have successfully "dropped the rope," at least almost 100%, so that I know no matter what happens I will be okay. I do still feel that God is asking me to stand. I think I can finally say that I am "willing to lose it all in order to gain." I know I will gain for myself no matter what.
I am right now trying to sort out with myself boundaries. I have kind of been going with the flow but at times do feel like a doormat. I am trying to decide what boundaries need to be set. Any advice on how to go about doing that?
I gather through one post you wrote that your H is at home? (I know you don't want to post much about your sitch). That does make certain aspects challenging, like detaching and not being as concerned with where he is because I KNOW when he is out. However, I do consider it a blessing because at least he is here and the kids are getting contact with him.
