I hadn't seen this before, must have gotten a phone call when I was listening to that part of Passionate Marriage on CD while stuck in traffic... But, what you cite here is such a strong emotion the LBS feels... and it, too, is "script"...
Quote:
A...Schnarch pointed out that when one spouse lies and keeps plans or actions (or an A) secret, then they are taking away the other spouses freedom and right to think, feel and act. In effect, they are saying "I am important and have the right to do things that are in my interest, but you are not important and do not have the same rights or even the right to react to what I am doing"
...What hurts is the realization that your spouse has so little regard for you that they don't even see you as another person - just a resource to be used for a while during the planning phase, and then a barrier to be manipulated past.
...I also think this is a barrier that we all have to set - "I matter and you are not going to do that to me!"
I can so distinctly remember having this feeling that to her, I was merely background noise and an annoyance to put up with, until and while she carried out her secret plans...
I even got the line: "Why do you care if I do whatever I want to do, we're already psycholgically separated."
Your mantra is one that all LBS's have to remember when dealing with that feeling under similar circumstances...
-AlexEN
I think that's the essence of compassion is showing another person that they matter to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
