Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I can't begin to say how thankful I am for these boards and what I have learned her. The understanding that I have gotten has enabled me to stop taking it personally, pick myself up, and move forward, and be happy with my life, even with a lot of tension and misery being directed at me.

It feels strange to be living like I am - very different from how I would have reacted to the same situation before. My natural inclination is to want people to be happy with me. If they are not, I try to figure out why, and correct the situation. In the past, I would carry this on sometimes well past the point where the attempts I was making to correct the situation were negatively impacting me.

Right now, I am happy and cheerful, living, exercising and taking care of myself, spending time with the kids, interacting with my W politely and cheerfully. Peaks and Valleys, but overall I am happy and it's not an act.

My W, however is miserable. I smile at her and she frowns and looks away. I turn on music and dance while the kids and I are working in the kitchen, then she comes in, complains about the noise and turns it down. If we sit down to relax and enjoy a glass of wine, she can't even look at me.

We talked about it at MC and she agreed. I am not doing or not doing anything. She simply finds it impossible to be anything but tense and miserable when I am present - and therefore because I am present, her unhappiness is my fault. And based on discussions we have had, she believes this. All of her unhappiness with her own life is based on the fact that she has been married to me and this resulted in her being where she is now. No credit for anything good and no blame for herself other than that she hadn't done something about sooner.

Were I not aware of the dynamics here, and if I did not have this board as a resource, I would not be able to handle this. Even now have to fight the urge to either a) tell her "This is crazy and all in your mind - you're making yourself miserable not me, so get over it" or b) continuously try to do more, buy more, placate more, give in more in order to find some final end point where she is happy. I also react to the misery in ways that protect myself. I had to fight off the urge yesterday to tell her "I don't give a flying F--- whether you D or not. If you are going to be this miserable, then leave!!"

But I don't do any of that. These boards have allowed me to be more aware. I really do see the hurt inside and wish her well, but now I also realize that I can't do anything about it. I'm here for her if she needs me, but she has to do something about it herself. Until then, I'm here for myself.

I can continue to be happy with my life while she is miserable with hers, and to love her without feeling I have the responsibility to fix it.

Thanks Guys!! I'm Glad your there!