A little journaling .... I'm having a hard time finding a balance with the loving detachment. Detachment I can do. I've been doing MUCH better at that lately. It has been slowly sinking in that I've been hoping she's gonna "snap out of it." Maybe she will, maybe she won't. I do know that nothing I can say is going to make her want to come back so I have just left it alone. I forget who said this on another board ... but the gist is that this is her choice. The marriage as we knew it is over. If she ever decides she wants a relationship, she is going to have to want it for herself and not because she feels obligated or guilted into it. I'm going to start packing up the stuff she left (over a year ago). Not sure what I'm going to do with it yet. I just don't want to look at it anymore. It feels too much like things used to be. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone.
Loving I can do. But unfortunately, that is off the table at the moment - no pursuit. I'm looking at this NC as a loving gift to her. It is something that she needs ... or thinks she does.
For me, it just seems to be more about detaching lately than the loving part. I think that is good. Kinda where I need to be. A friend of mine asked what I would do if she showed up ... or called ... or whatever. I honestly didn't know what to say in answer to that. Part of me thinks I would jump at the chance, the detachment part has me thinking I would be very, very, very hesitant. It surprised me that I couldn't answer a simple question.
On a semi-related but definitely connected note ... it occurred to me that I'm in the midst of a spiritual crisis of sorts. I was dealing with some stuff right before she left and have been pre-occupied with R things since then. So all those unresolved spiritual issues are finally surfacing and demanding attention. It is far more complicated than the sitch with her ... involves career, personal, family history ... pretty much every facet of my life. So, it looks like that "work on yourself" piece is about to begin with a fury. Can't say that I'm looking forward to it, but it is what it is.
