Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Well, didn't end up treating myself to dinner last night, after balancing my account, it just wasn't in the budget. Turns out my cousin's son's flight didn't come in and she was home with no dinner so it all worked out in the end.

Not doing to well. Developing a lot of resentment at XW again for doing all this to me. I have thuroughly concluded that I will not have a life of my for quite some time. Thus, all a working hermit is all I will be. S12's comments about OM have just gone to the core. He is a special needs child and now he's pretty muched latched on and replaced me with OM hwo certanly does not deserve that honor. OM was not there to see that child in a ICU for months with tubes and monitors sticking out of every where and any where imaginable. OM wasn't there to nurture that child to being as 'normal' as possible despite his setbacks. And yet, through my XW's selfishness, that is all gone.

I don't know what XW has told S12 about his adoption from her first M. He asked why he adopted again last Friday.

I also don't know what Xw's ordeal is, but since her 'apology' last week, she has been home from work 'sick' and having S12 call me every day, coached to inquire on what I'm up to.

Last night I tapped into a real dark place within me that I need to get rid of. Just had the over all thought of what point is it to live on? This came from finding out that my work is not giving merit increases this year and my department is overbudget on salaries as it is because of mine and if things don't improve there will be layoffs in 6 months. Ain't life grand?

Just so stressed out, could barely drive in this morning. Been dizzy all week, Monday the worst and now this morning a runner up. Though I was going to wreck several times.

Ack! Need to get out of this somehow.