Advice wanted-surviving insanity

[mvgolfer]

I think my H might be suffering from MLC and/or job stress. Told me he wants D, saw a L, has the papers, not signed. Since he has told me about his wish to divorce, his personality has changed so much where he goes from saying he wants to go to a C to work on things, to saying one day he wants to move out, to the other where he wants to stay. He says staying home and being around me is confusing him as well as the s**. I have been trying to act indifferent, be upbeat, etc. But is it getting more difficult for me to the point where I think I might come unglued. He has lost interest in doing things for the house (it is leaking water from various sources and needs help), he doesn't really take care of the dogs anymore (what he said I never did, but that's not true). He confuses me by saying before during and after counseling (we have been twice)that he thinks we can work on things, still loves me, but then afterwards, or days later, he will say that we need so much work with counselling that it would take years and he doesn't know if it's worth it. He told his parents that he would put off filing until we went to some counseling, but I don't know how long he will wait. I am trying to DB, etc., and trying some of the LRT, but it is SO hard, since I feel like sometimes I and the situation are in a tail spin. With his work and travel schedule as well as his current pattern of only coming home to change clothes, check emails (work) and use the bathroom, he is hardly home. He recently (w/in last 2 months) has been hanging around with our neighbor that is single and has single friends, etc and going out with such frequency(and then telling me I need to find somone), that I have to actually set up time with him to do things. Right now the only thing we do together is golf. Any discussion around our situation is usually very negative or he doesn't want to talk about it. I pay the bills, and always have, so he doesn't even know our financial situation. His Grandparents are having a 70 wedding anniv. party in Seattle, and I have been planning to go since last year. Now he doesn't want me to go, but tells/asks his parents if it would be ok if I went. It hurts so much when his behavior turns so negative. Then it seems on weekends, or when he hasn't been drinking or whatever else, he seems reasonable. When he comes back form talking to or hanging around his single friends (he does not talk to our couple friends, or his parents or has any married frineds) he seems to act and say the complete opposite. This is only half of what has been going on. I feel helpless, sad and have frequent anxiety attacks. In between I can be ok, but this is starting to affect me even more severely where I am afraid it will impact my job and health (I have lost over 20 lbs in 2 mos.). Any words of advice or encouragment? I would really appreciate it!!