Well, let me at least clear one thing up. I never said my W told me she was going to have sex for her birthday. What I said was that she had dinner plans with a friend that is flying back in from out of town. The only friend she has that travels is OM. She had sex with him for his birthday. So my thinking was that he was probably going to return the favor. But she never once said anything about having sex with him.
Again, you put ALL your energy into speculating what your W may or may not be doing and what was the result of that? The result was NO focus on Kevin. Now lets be rational for a brief moment (I know, wild concept). Do you think your W would say to you... "Hi Kevin, for my b-day I had wild, hot, amazing sex with out of town OM". Get real!
I don't have anything to offer to her to make her want to come back. I don't have any boundaries that if I set would mean a of beans to her. She doesn't need me for anything. She doesn't love me. And she doesn't want me. I can set whatever boundaries I want. It isn't going to affect her one way or the other.
Then you dont understand boundaries. Setting boundaries is for YOU and your well being, your growth and your detachement. Boundaries are not meant to test a WAS, they are designed to help YOU. I have told you this before but I will say it again. Long ago (May of 2008) I told my H he will NOT be coming into MY home and acting like he still lives here as long as he is having an affair. Did it phase him a bit? Nope. He just didnt come over anymore. I did that for ME. If he thought he could come here in his spare time when his GF was available, kick back his heels and have a beer and eat salsa and chips and hang with me until it was date time with his GF he was mistaken. So I made MY boundary *very* clear and that was for ME. I will NOT be sloppy seconds to anybody, espcially not my husband.
And yes, just a few months ago he went on this crying spree to me that I wouldnt even let him come over. Tough. I asked him if he understood why that rule was put in place and if he didnt understand I would be more than happy to spell it out for him. Silence on his end.
Change your thought pattern ASAP - boundaries are for you. By the end of the day I think we would all like to see three boundaries you will set with your W listed out and how you will execute them. I also think you need to speak with your C about your inability to understand why boundaries exist and why you are unable to set them.
Take all the emotion out of it and think of another situation where you might need to set a boundary. Say your co-worker had a cold and kept leaving his dirty tissues on your desk. What would you do? My guess is you would say.. "yo co-worker, I do not want your snot rags on my desk so please do not put them there anymore". That is a boundary and its for YOU, not the co-worker. If your boundaries are made clear and the other person ignores them be prepared to enforce them or else they mean squat.
As far as the rest goes, I am so tired of being in limbo. I want to ask her so badly why she held off on the D and what her plan is. But I know that would be bad. I guess you all are right. Her actions just last week don't show a softening of the heart. She is out tonite with D7 and the 55 year old guy riding bikes. They are spending quite a bit of time together these days. I wonder if his W even knows. Eventually one thing can lead to another even with the age difference.
Again, wondering if his W knows... who cares! That isnt your problem but you still ponder and obsess. IMO you should be telling your W that your D7 is having a hard time adjusting and bringing her around other men simply adds to the confusion and you would like her to stop doing that. If your W wants to hang out with OM that is fine but there is no reason to subject your young daughter to additional confusion.
Not only do you need to set boundaries with your W for YOU but you also need to set them for your very young children. IMO what your W is doing is not acceptable or appropriate for a 7yo who is already confused and showing signs of having a hard time.
You keep saying you are tired of being in limbo. THEN GET OUT OF IT. Detach, set boundaries and change YOUR life. Sure, the D issue might still be up in the air but it wont consume you as much because you will have a much different outlook on the pending D.
You keep saying you are thinking of going to AA. Dont think. Go. I dont think its optional for you. Yeah, it *will* be hard but is anything worthwhile ever simple? Not usually.
You know, tomorrow is my 10 yrs wedding anniversary and to be honest I thought I would feel okay and I dont. I feel like staying in my house all day today and tomorrow and I can feel my anxiety rising. But today I will drag my ass to my psych appt. and talk it out then have dinner with my sister. Its the last thing I feel like doing but I know its what I *have* to do for ME.
This morning I called my mom and told her just this... "mom, I am feeling down and sad today and I can feel my anxiety rising and I dont feel like leaving the house but I will". There is NOTHING wrong with getting out how you feel out there but then you have to act on it. 10 years ago today my H and I were getting ready for an amazing rehearsal dinner. And now I will spend my day at my psych and preparing for court next week. That wasnt the plan but it is my reality. I hope you start facing your reality soon. So yeah, I feel sad and down and riddled with anxiety today but I am goign to face it head on for ME. You better start doing the same.
If history teaches us anything my H will e-mail me some sappy message tomorrow as he does for all holidays/milestones. And I probably will shed a tear or two, let myself feel it and move on. See how that works?
