K4D Rising #2

[ppenton]

Kev- you are getting and have been receiving great advice here for a long time, read it all again (when your kids are not around, so you're not distracted) and absorb as much as you can, then read it again. When you go to C tell him everything about your ups and downs, maybe he can guide you better knowing you more completely.
Lean on God and don't pray just for convenience and when you read the Bible pray the passages/scriptures.
This is a very difficult, bumpy, dimly lit road which you need to be in tip top shape (physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually) to traverse down.
I know this is not easy for anyone here as we all are in pain but you really need to move forward with YOUR life so you can be the amazing father that you were meant to be.

Also, IMO you need to go dark for your own sake and not worry about or contact W, don't watch her on IM or check your email or your phone. And don't forget to concentrate at work and drive your career!

[25yearsmlc]

Ppent,

Thanks for reminding me about the IMing..I forgot that b/c I think I blanked it out...I mean, at this point??

Guess It was such a shock to see someone with ALL this advice -still stalking his wife in cyberspace...after all that has been said...you couldn't figure this one out yourself Kevin? No, you just won't listen...and so much time feels wasted. Unbelievable.

Kevin I don't see how you will move forward (or ever be happy) when you obviously refuse to. You can talk and talk about God, and read the bible all you want, and talk about FAITH, but it seems like babble to me b/c If you had faith, you would not react in fear at every single chance you get. Operating in faith means not operating in fear. And
You would not cave in and collapse around your w, at every opportunity. You'd set a boundary for yourself and keep it, you'd say "no" to something and a 100 other things would be different.

You call it complacence, and backsliding. But it's really just avoiding the hard work, and your terror of being alone.


You are stuck b/c You are looking for an easy way thru this and there isn't any, and you keep banging your head hoping the answer will change. And I'm banging my head with these posts and getting nowhere with you.

The answer won't change, and you won't. So you will sit here and stay stuck. And criticize your w and judge her parenting, and staring at her IMing and pining away about why she won't IM you....and whether she'll hug you, or give you a present, or intive you over...ALL while avoiding the work only you can do--on you... thus guaranteeing you being here forever.

And now that I recall the whole IM thing...I'm just so frustrated with you.
j-

[ppenton]

Proverbs 3:5 (New International Version)

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

[K4D]

Life doesn't suck. Life is a gift from God that we have to make the most out of. We have to be aware and thankful for our blessings and strive to acheive perfection of his will as a Christian. Its up to us to choose whether or not we are going to be joyful for what we have and help others where we can or not. Its up to us as to what path we are going to choose or follow. Our trust must stay in God at all times and we must know that he knows better than us what is best for our soul and other souls. In the end, eternity is what matters most. He is the one that will direct us if we will seek him and allow him to. How do we get to God? Through Jesus.

Life is just hard without my W and without my family being together.

By the way, when I said I was going to have D7 last night, I meant to say tomorrow night which is tonite. But W took D7 biking with this 55 year old guy last night. So she is introducing D7 to him. I have noticed that something has changed again with W. She is now dressing more femine in dresses. Not the hot stuff buy femine stuff and doing her hair more femine and mature looking now at work and in general.

Should I have a problem with her introducing D7 to this guy? Should I say something about that? He is married. D7 is seeing her mom who is married with him. I'm not saying there is any affection going on because I think at this point there isn't. But they are spending a lot of time together. I am wondering if W is targeting him. If so, why constantly target married men that are older athletes with money. What is the deal with this? And I do wonder if his W knows how much time they are spending together. And isn't it natural that the more time they spend together the more likely something might be to occur?

I know, quit focusing on her and focus on me. I am going to read detachment again. I also have more praying to do.

What I found amusing is that D7 apparently was a real toot last night. W was not impressed with her behavior. I shouldn't be happy about D7 acting up, but considering the situation, I found it funny and almost happy to hear about it. It makes W look like she doesn't have her child under control to this guy. But I don't think she should be introducing my kids to him.

25, I am not stalking her on IM. She is on my IM as well as other people. We are both on each others IM.

Yes, I do need to keep working on myself. You are right that operating in Faith would alleviate fear.

ppenton, that is a great verse.

The one I have on my emails is 1 Corithians 13:7
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I actually got that one from someone else who posts on this site, but I don't remember who now. I just remember being so impressed with that verse and something I needed to live by.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Well, let me at least clear one thing up. I never said my W told me she was going to have sex for her birthday. What I said was that she had dinner plans with a friend that is flying back in from out of town. The only friend she has that travels is OM. She had sex with him for his birthday. So my thinking was that he was probably going to return the favor. But she never once said anything about having sex with him.

Again, you put ALL your energy into speculating what your W may or may not be doing and what was the result of that? The result was NO focus on Kevin. Now lets be rational for a brief moment (I know, wild concept). Do you think your W would say to you... "Hi Kevin, for my b-day I had wild, hot, amazing sex with out of town OM". Get real!

I don't have anything to offer to her to make her want to come back. I don't have any boundaries that if I set would mean a of beans to her. She doesn't need me for anything. She doesn't love me. And she doesn't want me. I can set whatever boundaries I want. It isn't going to affect her one way or the other.

Then you dont understand boundaries. Setting boundaries is for YOU and your well being, your growth and your detachement. Boundaries are not meant to test a WAS, they are designed to help YOU. I have told you this before but I will say it again. Long ago (May of 2008) I told my H he will NOT be coming into MY home and acting like he still lives here as long as he is having an affair. Did it phase him a bit? Nope. He just didnt come over anymore. I did that for ME. If he thought he could come here in his spare time when his GF was available, kick back his heels and have a beer and eat salsa and chips and hang with me until it was date time with his GF he was mistaken. So I made MY boundary *very* clear and that was for ME. I will NOT be sloppy seconds to anybody, espcially not my husband.

And yes, just a few months ago he went on this crying spree to me that I wouldnt even let him come over. Tough. I asked him if he understood why that rule was put in place and if he didnt understand I would be more than happy to spell it out for him. Silence on his end.

Change your thought pattern ASAP - boundaries are for you. By the end of the day I think we would all like to see three boundaries you will set with your W listed out and how you will execute them. I also think you need to speak with your C about your inability to understand why boundaries exist and why you are unable to set them.

Take all the emotion out of it and think of another situation where you might need to set a boundary. Say your co-worker had a cold and kept leaving his dirty tissues on your desk. What would you do? My guess is you would say.. "yo co-worker, I do not want your snot rags on my desk so please do not put them there anymore". That is a boundary and its for YOU, not the co-worker. If your boundaries are made clear and the other person ignores them be prepared to enforce them or else they mean squat.

As far as the rest goes, I am so tired of being in limbo. I want to ask her so badly why she held off on the D and what her plan is. But I know that would be bad. I guess you all are right. Her actions just last week don't show a softening of the heart. She is out tonite with D7 and the 55 year old guy riding bikes. They are spending quite a bit of time together these days. I wonder if his W even knows. Eventually one thing can lead to another even with the age difference.

Again, wondering if his W knows... who cares! That isnt your problem but you still ponder and obsess. IMO you should be telling your W that your D7 is having a hard time adjusting and bringing her around other men simply adds to the confusion and you would like her to stop doing that. If your W wants to hang out with OM that is fine but there is no reason to subject your young daughter to additional confusion.

Not only do you need to set boundaries with your W for YOU but you also need to set them for your very young children. IMO what your W is doing is not acceptable or appropriate for a 7yo who is already confused and showing signs of having a hard time.

You keep saying you are tired of being in limbo. THEN GET OUT OF IT. Detach, set boundaries and change YOUR life. Sure, the D issue might still be up in the air but it wont consume you as much because you will have a much different outlook on the pending D.

You keep saying you are thinking of going to AA. Dont think. Go. I dont think its optional for you. Yeah, it *will* be hard but is anything worthwhile ever simple? Not usually.

You know, tomorrow is my 10 yrs wedding anniversary and to be honest I thought I would feel okay and I dont. I feel like staying in my house all day today and tomorrow and I can feel my anxiety rising. But today I will drag my ass to my psych appt. and talk it out then have dinner with my sister. Its the last thing I feel like doing but I know its what I *have* to do for ME.

This morning I called my mom and told her just this... "mom, I am feeling down and sad today and I can feel my anxiety rising and I dont feel like leaving the house but I will". There is NOTHING wrong with getting out how you feel out there but then you have to act on it. 10 years ago today my H and I were getting ready for an amazing rehearsal dinner. And now I will spend my day at my psych and preparing for court next week. That wasnt the plan but it is my reality. I hope you start facing your reality soon. So yeah, I feel sad and down and riddled with anxiety today but I am goign to face it head on for ME. You better start doing the same.

If history teaches us anything my H will e-mail me some sappy message tomorrow as he does for all holidays/milestones. And I probably will shed a tear or two, let myself feel it and move on. See how that works?

[PMA_Baby!]

Life doesn't suck. Life is a gift from God that we have to make the most out of. We have to be aware and thankful for our blessings and strive to acheive perfection of his will as a Christian. Its up to us to choose whether or not we are going to be joyful for what we have and help others where we can or not. Its up to us as to what path we are going to choose or follow. Our trust must stay in God at all times and we must know that he knows better than us what is best for our soul and other souls. In the end, eternity is what matters most. He is the one that will direct us if we will seek him and allow him to. How do we get to God? Through Jesus.

Practice what you preach. We know it's hard. Like 25 says that doesnt mean you DONT have to do it. The sooner you dig in and start doing the work the sooner you finish. Just like writing a college term paper. Dont allow yourself to quit Kevin. That is why AA meetings are so important. Develope that CANT QUIT PMA.

Life is just hard without my W and without my family being together.

Duh!!! We ALL get that. Now quit letting it beat you down.

By the way, when I said I was going to have D7 last night, I meant to say tomorrow night which is tonite. But W took D7 biking with this 55 year old guy last night. So she is introducing D7 to him. I have noticed that something has changed again with W. She is now dressing more femine in dresses. Not the hot stuff buy femine stuff and doing her hair more femine and mature looking now at work and in general.

Sounds like she likes the attention. He probably treats her like an adult. Validates what she says. All the things we've been trying to teach you that you continue to ignore. I doubt it's anything serious. He is probably flattered that a young, attractive women is interested in him and she is probably flattered that an older, wiser gentlemen finds her interesting. Dont you get it? He doesnt make her feel like a parent more as a equal.

Should I have a problem with her introducing D7 to this guy? Should I say something about that? He is married. D7 is seeing her mom who is married with him. I'm not saying there is any affection going on because I think at this point there isn't. But they are spending a lot of time together. I am wondering if W is targeting him. If so, why constantly target married men that are older athletes with money. What is the deal with this? And I do wonder if his W knows how much time they are spending together. And isn't it natural that the more time they spend together the more likely something might be to occur?

What part of YOU CANT CONTROL what she does DONT you UNDERSTAND??? All YOU can DO is work on YOU and become the better CHOICE, but YOU CANT DO this for HER but for YOU.

I know, quit focusing on her and focus on me. I am going to read detachment again. I also have more praying to do.

Dont talk about it DO IT!!!!

What I found amusing is that D7 apparently was a real toot last night. W was not impressed with her behavior. I shouldn't be happy about D7 acting up, but considering the situation, I found it funny and almost happy to hear about it. It makes W look like she doesn't have her child under control to this guy. But I don't think she should be introducing my kids to him.

That mind set will hurt you. Not very supportive. Do you want to be friends or not?

25, I am not stalking her on IM. She is on my IM as well as other people. We are both on each others IM.

Block her then. Quit playing games with her and yourself.

Yes, I do need to keep working on myself. You are right that operating in Faith would alleviate fear.

ppenton, that is a great verse.

The one I have on my emails is 1 Corithians 13:7
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

I actually got that one from someone else who posts on this site, but I don't remember who now. I just remember being so impressed with that verse and something I needed to live by.

Kevin

[ManofGod34]

K4D, You are praying to God looking for answers and believing for the impossible. From following you posts, God has sent many helicopters to help you escape the flood of "thoughts" from the enemy.

You are right, we have a choice to do it our way or God's way. Which way are you going K?

Jesus says "come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Mt.11:28
-You are going to Jesus in prayer but continuing to take your load of problems you are having with your W. You are "believing for the impossible" Kevin. Give your W to God and let go of her completely. As long as you hang on, God will not intervene. He wants all the glory for resurrecting your dead marriage. Kevin, when your marriage is restored, you will be able to tell people that it was a miracle from God.

I see alot of people care about you on this board, Listen to them! If God can use a donkey, he will certainly use many people to give his messages. Focus on yourself and don't look at the works of Satan. The truth isn't in him...Satan wants you to take your eyes of Jesus and focus on the problems.

I'm telling you this because I made the same mistakes as you. My W would be nice and I thought things were leading towards reconciliation. Then I would get D talk and hit rock bottom everytime focusing on her behavior. So please listen to the lovely people on here Kevin. You will find yourself in alot of pain getting your hopes up and then finding out W was just leading you on.

I will be praying for you brother! Have a blessed day!

[ppenton]

Here is something which I believe sandi2 posted a while ago and I printed out and posted on my cube wall at work and read every morning for about 2 months after my W dropped the bomb on me. (I still look at whenever I need to)

It's not about recognition from other.. but about recognizing who I am.
Her/His approval does not define myself worth.
Sentences beginning with 'her/him', s/'he' are outlawed, along with 'poor me' statements.
I am no longer a victim.
I will move out of that comfort zone.
It's easier to be the one left behind when it comes to getting sympathy... but guess what.. that does nothing positive when it comes to living a full and productive life.
I will not feel sorry for myself.
I will accept the unknown, the fear.
I will trust those who are worthy.
I will take chances that lead to positive goals.
I will embrace change, be more flexible, listen without talking.
I will leave the crap where it lands and not carry it with me.
What other people say about me is none of my business.
What I say about others is my choice.
I will spend time on what brings joy, renewal and growth.
I will move to a better place in my life without worrying about should have's, would have's, could have's.
I will let go of how I let her/his choices disable me.
I will focus on where MY choices will take me.
I will not be perfect, the epitome of anything.
I will be a wonderful person with heart, grace, soul and farts.
I will accept all of me, even the crap I don't like.
I'll clean my mind, unload the stuff that's been stuffing it. Just let go of the clutter I cling to.
I will remember to smile for no reason, if only to keep that downturned line by my mouth from getting any deeper.
I will remember to wear sunblock.
I will embrace those who relish who I am, and not worry about the others.
I will not view myself through other people's eyes.
I will listen to what is said to me in love, concern, support, hate, disrespect and will make my own choices.
I will learn to separate my knee jerk reactions of emotions from what is truly good for me.
I will love me.. as wonderful, whacky, imperfect, gooky, sad, happy and however else I might be.
I will love others without the fear of the past crippling me.
I will live my life without the blanket of my fears and insecurities.
I will not scratch the wound.
I will accept and own what is mine and flush the rest.
I will heal, be happy, healthy and grateful for all that life has given and will give me.
I will move forward
Expect nothing and may get rewarded
I will be strong
Stay in the present (can’t change the past and don’t worry about the future)
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
I will heal, be happy, healthy and grateful for all that life has given and will give me.
You must be the change you wish to see in the world
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference
You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.
Love is patient, love is kind...love never fails
And I will never be afraid to..

[K4D]

Thanks.

This is what I was thinking about sending to my W. I haven't sent it. But it is what I would like to send and maybe get some clarity.

W,

I think what I was trying to get at the other night is are you taking a wait and see attitude with my changes and giving me a chance to really prove myself this time so that we might be able to reconcile our marriage and family?

I don't understand some of your recent decisions is why I ask.

Kevin

[ppenton]

Why do you want to send her this message? what is your goal, what are you trying to accomplish by contacting W? you need to leave her alone and go dark except about the kids. Call your C or a pastor or a friend or someone.....