Hi Silver, you're welcome! Thankyou Mish, thats really sweet of you...

Its not easy, in fact its getting a little harder. BND you said I may be "so excited" to be back with him, but thats not how I would describe it, I dont feel excited! Its more just a feeling of relief, normality, like I was on high alert for nearly 2 years, on red and I just downgraded to orange, or yellow really.

Yesterday he took the afternoon off and we went to a beautiful little cove the tourists dont know about and had a lovely, relaxing afternoon reading. But as the evening wore on I felt.. depressed, distant. He kept asking if I was alright alot (I think he is getting worried I am having second thoughts). Eventually I told him what it was, as he wanted to know.. I said, we last went to that cove for the afternoon Aug 2007.. I tried so hard.. to be alluring, attractive, to get you to notice me, but you werent interested, you hardly spoke to me, I tried so hard.. by this time tears were rolling down my cheeks and he was shocked (did he really not realise HOW much he hurt me !!??) and hugged me and said he was soo sorry, but "I was unhinged back then".. So, he really was not in his right mind and presumably, now is. Wierd hey? More answers though.

This morning we were discussing my new bed, did he like it? I said others did.. he span around... Oh really?? WHO? and was genuinely worried.. I couldnt believe it, did he not notice how committed I was, how I tried to win him back during our S? Perhaps he thought I did something once he was with Helen. He quizzed me a little, saying he didnt know how many then tried to say he was only teasing. But I didnt let him get away with that, I said, no you're not, you are trying to find out if there was anyone else in my bed.. well there wasnt, only you. I said I didnt know how many either.. but he looked ashamed and said you KNOW how many.. I then asked him, would he have been jealous? He said "Hell yes!"

So guess it was just Helen then between us. He never was into one night stands.

So the little snippets of hurt and shame keep leaking out, but in amongst, we laugh and cuddle alot at least.