I I have felt the same at times despair in the dead of night what has helped me some is affirmations there is a wonderful pastor Joel Olsteen on TV he is all over the world his message is one of hope and affirmations i would tell myself in those moments I will be OK I can do this at times I still need to remind myself I can do it peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
take one day at a time...when u feel like this...dont even let yourself think of the whole picture.....think what can I do today to help this situation....put your energy there...let the rest go.....it is a very weird thing to deal with in your mind...to have them acting like an enemy....I mean and enemy...you know is an enemy...and your brain in fine with it...when it comes from something so close ....it is too hard to understand how you got here.....and making sense of it....when ther eis no sense will drive u crazy....surrender him to God....and know you did your best and keep doing your best one day at a time....
I haven't posted in a while; I guess I wanted to try to find a peace within myself and its been very up and down. I am not coping too well; its half three in the morning and I have had a disturbed sleep; woken up and thought, yes, its time to write again.
Things have been quiet my end in terms of incidents, my H does not have ANY contact with me unless its relation to our D. When he does leave a phone message at home he states very clearly that he wants to speak to D and gets off the phone. There is NO discussion about me, my mother, my health, my life, my work, the house (which is still ironically half his home).His lack of emotion is frightening.
We had a brief chat last Tuesday morning about mediation which we have this morning. I am not entirely convinced by it but I understand taht we have to be seen to be trying this method as we need to work out access and it is contentious on a number of fronts; primarily whether my H is going to slepp in the house/stay overnight during the week. He wants to, I dont think its appropriate as he is now living with OW. Does any one have any experience in relation to this issue and could tehy advise. I firmly feel that this is morally inept, confusing for our D and in some ways precipitating further upset for her by creating new and ongoing tension between us in the house if he does return.
We had another court hearing on Monday; I have finally been awarded maintenance which is such a relief.It was settled away from the judge so it isn't a court order and therefore doesn't set a precedent;my H is still under protection order though. Both are going to be held in a full hearing at the end of September; if I don't drop the safety order before then.I am relieved that my H will finally have to pay me money which is so needed at the moment. I have gone for 6 months without him paying one cent in child or spousal maintenance and it has been so, so difficult. I feel ambivalent at best about the sfaety order; I have s many people saying that its important that its still in place so that I and my daughter have protection, and that the only reason that he has behaved over this period is that he is under the protection order that he has already breached once. I understand where they are coming from but my morality speaks so strongly; I don't know whether these orders have been the best or the worse thing for my R with my H.I dont know whether through my need to take them out I have in some way sabotaged the possibility of reconciliation in teh future or whether I have defined teh way that he will view me and, in a sense, the way I may perceive him, in the future.
This leads me to the struggles taht I face now in terms of his lack of emotion towards me. I should be happy (and I am) that he is not blocking out our D as I know some WAH do. This relieves me. She deserves her Daddy. But where I am concerned he has emotionally switched me off. COMPLETELY. I wonder whether it is MLC, or just not caring about me, literally being FULLY OVER ME and in a a new emotional life with OW. It has been 6 months since my H walked out on me and our D. 6 long and tortuous months. In that time there have been huge pluses, huge opportunities for growth and huge, huge upset. An emotional rollercoaster. The more I read about MLC, there more I do realise my husbands links to MLC and it does give me a valid place to hang my beliefs and opinions. Yes, as far as I am concerned, he snapped about me, our M and living with me at the end of January; OW was then in the picture in EA/PA and that was that. The person that I have loved and still do was gone. he person who has loved me, supported me, cared for me was gone and is now replaced by a man who knows of my suffering, both emotionally and in terms of my health and does not say ANYTHING to me about it. Is this normal MLC behaviour?
The problem is, and I know this might seem strange to everyone out there, Snodderly, Peace, Sandi I would very much welcome your thoughts on this. I still love my H. I married for life, I believe in God and that he hates divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still have some hope, almost like trying to keep the door open but GAL at the same time. I DO NOT CONTACT HIM. There is no pressure. I talk with him about our D when needed, either in person, text or email. Aside from this contact there is NOTHING. He does not speak to me when there is exchange/crossover of our D in the house; ignores me unless there is a pressing issue about D and then of curse he will acknowledge me and I will respond, usually well although sometimes I do find it difficult.I am concerned that it is not in our D's best interests that we do not speak when she is present but even though my H says he is more than happy to talk to me in theory, in practice he RARELY does, and always not personal.I find this soul destroying. I have suffered so much in the past 6 months, especially with my health and there is nothing, nothing at the moment that would suggest that we have been in a marriage emotionally, he has ripped it apart and cruelly taken it away. I have NO CONTACT with my step-daughters at his and now their insistence, his family that I have always been close to over the last ten years I now have no contact with in any way and my SIL is dying as we speak. I am in real grief about not seeing them, it is such a loss. My SIL (other one, not the one who is dying) was with my H at court the other day. It is the first time that I have seen her since I was in her house at the end of Jan, when my H was leaving and I didn't understand what was going on. I was obviously distraught and she was trying to tell me to "pull myself together". She has not contacted me since and when she saw me out the front of the courthouse she just stared at me blankly and then forced the most grimacing smile at me I have ever seen, then proceeded to walk off in the other direction with my H. My heart broke. Literally broke. I have always been close to her, I went into labour with our D in her house. Now this.
My H's coldness......He spoke to em Monday morning (in teh mediation discussion) and summarised our situation as it currently stands from his perspective. It was so hurtful; like readinga shopping list/or a recipe.
"We have been together ten years, married for 6 of them. Now we are not and wont be. We need to find a new dispensation, a new way of living"
End of discussion. Cold, unfeeling, no emotion. Like someone describing ingredients and directions of how to make a cake. s this MLC behaviour? Or is it simply now, after 6 months of unrelenting focus and resolve (admittedly mixed with tears and other small confusions at times), a situation where he has literally GOT OVER ME. but if so, why cant he ask me how I am, about my life, talk to me as a human being and not as an automon mother?
I am sorry if I keep going round in circles. I guess I am hoping that it is a WAH in MLC here. It would give me perameters which I can understand.
I have also been sitting with the possibility that in a lot of ways I have been going through my own version of a MLC over the last 5 years, it manifesting itself through my drive with my career and my work. I have COME OUT OF THE FOG only to find that my H is NOW IN THE FOG.
Does anyone have any experience of this sort of thing?
Thanks for taking time to read my posting, I am very appreciative everyone. Snodderly and Sandi, it would be wonderful to hear your insights.
I am trying to let go and let God and stay positive about my life but I feel that there is no hope for my M. I want to think that even if this M is dead that there can be a way forward for me and my H in the future in a new and even better R but he seems to not want that in any way. He has said that our M is dead, his love for me is dead and when something is dead it can never be revived.I am a person who does believe in the realm of possibility in life but he has said that he sees no possibility here. And there is nothing I can do except just stand back and see the love of my life, my H, move off and live a life, whatever it is (fling/relationship) with OW. I just don't know where there is hope here.
do any of you or have any of you heard of sitch's that have been like this, or worse, where couples have then down the road reconciled and found each other again. He seems to have gone and moved so far away. Our lives are so far apart at his insistence.
I ask those same questions myself......we have no contact at all with my husband.. and dang it I miss him.I drive home from work when I finally have time to reflect and I wonder... did he even think about us at all today? Does he sometimes think about what he is done? Why do I keep praying for us ...for him...when it looks so impossible. He doesnt even contact our children nothing....nada....we just dont exist to him. We were married for 25 yrs.Lately I have been having loke flashbacks or something were I remember things that were said or done..I have never done that before but I have lately... I know how you feel, my husband told my sister to tell me he is never coming back to me he himself has never told me that when we used to talk I sometimes would say things like maybe one day we can work it out, we miss you and I always told him he could always come back home and his responce was as usual the infamous words they all say I DONT KNOW in a very sorry sort of way. When I pray I ask God to have me ready in my heart, and spiritually....to be really honest I dont know this man anymore..I dont like this man he has become...does this mean I am no longer INLOVE with him? I pray your situations starts to turn around for you soon....with your health,your marriage, your family. This is my first post to you but it caught my eye because of some of the things you wrote... Lord help us and all of us to call upon you whenever we feel we can no longer go on, no longer can go on praying for our spouses, when we feel like giving up, may your mercy uplift us and show us to be patient and to wait on you father you gave scripture the other morning and it has really stayed with me and it said IN THE MORNING,O LORD,YOU HEAR MY VOICE,IN THE MORNING I LAY MY REQUESTS BEFORE YOU AND WAIT IN EXPECTATION Psm5 3.
help us all Lord to be obedient to your will thank you for your favor in our lives I love you Lord,I trust you Lord and I beleive in your mighty power in Jesus name I pray..amen and amen have a beautiful day...I hope you dont mind me posting to you...
Thanks for your post on my thread. I am reading through your story. You have certainly been through it and I sympathize with your feelings, especially related to OW. Its a terrible, terrible, demoralization. Will post more soon, after I get fully caught up on your sitch.
For now, wishing you strength.
TD
Me 30 H 33 together:10 years married:5 years Separated: 1/23/09 living apart 5 mos and counting "when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on"-FDR
Thank you so so very much for your wonderful posts; your words mean so much at this time. I have also posted this writing to Sandi on her piecing thread.
Things are slowly, albeit very slowly sinking in. It is so very hard considering everything that has happened in the last few months to think that my H and I could ever find a new relationship together. BUT I AM ALSO STARTING TO REALISE just how much it is up to him to look at me in a different way if that were to happen; and i guess i have to keep moving forward as if that is not going to happen.
My H and I had mediation yesterday morning about the shared care plan. It was a mess and somewhat a waste of time which saddens me. I would have hoped that we would have been able to srt something out. As of now we have no plan fo care for our daughter for the summer vacation from Monday onwards.
The time was spent discussing the issues (general) around access. seeing my H at the moment is very, very difficult. I struggle so much. He seems so indifferent Sandi. He doesnt even seem angry anymore, just over it. Mind you, he is a playwright, excellent at creating illusion, crafting narrative and argument and creating facade and masks. But his basic MO there was very benign but firm and resolute about there being no chance of reconciliation, wishing me the very best etc. Also wanting to apparently move back into the house 1-2 nights a week but making it quite clear that the only reason he would do so would be for solely our D not because he has any monetary or emotional connection to the house or certainly no connection to me. I made it clear that I didnt feel that it was appropriate for him to be sleeping in the house when, since January he has been co-habiting with OW, and that our daughter would be highly confused and the tension that would ensue from both of us being in the same space would definitely not be good for her. I suggested that he find his own place, renting etc, not OW house and that way our D could spend time in each place and that this would be setting up reasonable and clear boundaries for her in terms of the reality of our lives as it stands.
Personally I am struggling with the possibility of him being/sleeping in the marital home when i am in still so much grief and he has, it appears, happily moved on (although he admitted less than 2 weeks ago that he was going through the biggest crisis of his life) and that every time he left here he would be spending the remainder of the week with OW in her house. He is not giving her up, I know him and he wouldn't admit that he is in "R" with anyone unless its serious. It causes me so much pain and I know that there is nothing that I can do about it. She seems to be everything that he wants in relation to me which is everything that he actively doesn't want. I know that I am a good person, talented, loving, intelligent but what is wrong with me that I feel that I should be trying to COMPETE with her. He is so resolute, moved on etc yet I cant see how someone can be after only 5 months if they were really honest with themselves......and of course another M/W will always complicate things.......i feel he is so gone and whatever hope i have is fleeting moments.......
He doesn't want to be, in his own words "living like an itinerant, moving from sister to sister with our D to stay there, spending vast amount of money taking our D out to restaurants etc, being a McDonalds dad- whatever that is- that he ideally wants around 50-50 access but does not believe one week on, one week off is appropriate for D's perspective, although he admitted that for him personally having a week without D would be fine so he could "get on with his own life". I was just shocked but maybe I take this too personally.
He spoke about the template that his first wife and him have used with my step-daughters and how it has been extremely positive. He told the mediator that his first wife left him; she did this to him and now he is doing it to me (this really hurt-projection, or just cruel life cycles being played out?)
He also believes that our D is fully accepting of his decision to end the M. He has EMPHATICALLY DENIED that he has let the house????, and that he has abandoned or D or me???????? He was quite clear in saying that he said to our D "daddy has ended the marriage to Mummy because I wasn't happy, Mummy wasn't happy and he didn't want D to see any more fights/tension. What he actually said to her beginning of Feb was radically different to that; that he had ended things because he didn't love me anymore and that he thought I was moving to London, a complete fabrication. How can he make such a radical decision that affects all of our lives on a whim that all of us are unhappy? He said that he said to our D that he wishes me only the best (talk from someone who is indifferent and has moved on?)
He had our D overnight in Co.Kerry, was taking my SD and her friend down to an Irish speaking summer camp for three weeks. Used OW car as it is a 4x4. I did not want our D in her car and told him so. Do I have a right to say this. This hurts.
At this stage I just wish that I wasnt so emotionally invested. I am only being repeatedly hurt by someone who, at first I thought may be in denial and MLC but the more I look at him the more that I think he has just moved on. Even his anger seems to not be there, or if it is he is hiding it well.......Any thoughts?
In relation to my family here (his sisters etc) all of their birthdays fall within this coming week; in fact my SIL who was at court last Monday shares the same birthday as me (next Tuesday, 30th June). I have sent them all a card wishing them happy birthday and saying how grateful I have been over the years for their kindness, acceptance and support f me and Kath. i know I probably wont hear anything from them but I wanted them to know I guess how I truly view them and have felt about them. I also gave my 15 year old SD a card to congratulate her on her recent school exams and to let her know how special she has been to me.
Maybe this hasn't been the right thing to do but.......
I want to drop the rope, am trying everyday to drop the rope I am trying to be the best person that I can be for me, whoever that is. I want to be a great mother to our D, I want to be happy, I want a loving relationship in my life. Ideally my H and I will find each other again but it seems such an impossibility. He has told me it is in words, and in actions.
If he is in crisis this is not obvious in any way. He wants no personal contact with me except about our D. He has redirected his mail from our house to an "alternative address".Maybe I should just accept this?
I am trying to look after my health and focus on what makes me happy in my life; what brings joy to my life.
And I am truly grateful to everything that people have said to me over the last few months on this board.
TD and Irmac, please do stay in touch. Wishing gods blessings I x
