Agh! He's detached completely!

[IWillSaveOurMarr]

When my ex bf told me that it would inappropriate to represent me on Monday as my attny, I said "let's go have dinner or something" because it was around dinnertime. He was practically running out the door saying he had to go meet some people in a group he's in. So we set a time for Wednesday, today.

Last night we talked on the phone for 2 hours. We had a lot to catch up on. He is making strong, obvious hints that he is definately still interested in me, and dating and possibly even more. It's weird, because normally I try to save talks like this for dates or something, but I just was talking to him like he was a friend and it was different for us and very cool. I have seen a different side of him on these phone calls, compassionate, emphathetic and very sweet. It seems he has matured a bit as far as that stuff goes since we last dated 2 years ago.

Once again, I cried when talking about my H, so my goal for tongihts dinner was casual talk, no talk of the H, the D, or asking anything legal, but just fun, light stuff.

Gizmo said on the phone he was getting angry that my H won't even look at me when we're in the house together saying that it's really cruel and mean of him and that maybe I should come stay at his house while this stuff is going down (the D). He was half joking at this, and I took it as such. I liked that he was getting angry about it because it's true, it is extremely crappy to be ignored and it's nice having someone stand up for me (for once, it feels like).

Anyways, it's been so darn hot around here that he took a few seconds during the call to adjust some fans. "No central A/C"? I said, "nope, no way I'm moving in". "How do you think your H would take it if you said your bf is moving in to YOUR place because you do have central Air?" he said jokingly.

Needless to say I was definately looking forward to meeting with him and some cuddling and kissing, which I haven't gotten in eons. I'm not intersted in dating other people or kissing them at all, it just feels like it would be really natural to do so with him because we did so years ago, and he and I definately have the same chemistry and spark both in person and on the phone.

This whole dating arena, never one of my favorite things to begin with, is now fraught with a whole new set of rules and baggage and guilt because of my marriage and upcoming divorce (since he (H) has not budged one iota and in fact is getting more and more entrenched in his hard line position). And frankly, since I'm not planning on dating just anybody, just Gizmo for now to see what develops, I'm not going to really worry about it because I have so many other things to worry about.

We were supposed to meet to talk and eat at 5:30. At 4:45 he called my cell and left a message (I didn't hear it for some reason) and says that it's too hot to go anywhere and he might want to get together later on tonight. Now mind you, today was really, really hot, a heat advisory in fact. But we're not 65 years old nor planning on hiking the amazon, we're just going to get something to eat at an AC restaurant. So I was more than a little disapointed, plus mad when he didn't pick up his cell phone when I called back 10 minutes after he called to cancel.

He finally called at 10:30 pm saying he was too hot and had a really busy day and was cranky, which I totally understand given this crazy heat. On the phone he told me briefly about his day and then asked me out for Friday night to go to a festival. I usually don't like going to this festival because it's so crowded, but it will be fun going with somebody.

This (cancelling date) is the same kind of crap I dealt with when we were going out though, and I hate it, which is why my dependable H was so damn attractive to me. I don't have time for a HS rlsp, I want someone who is an adult and who will give and expect the same sorts of thing back.

Now I feel really stupid, yet again, to tell my friend that nope, we didn't have a date after all, after I was really looking forward to it, especially after the phone call last night. My friend even said that she thinks my H might be my rebound from Gizmo after all, becasue I did care for Giz a lot but he repeatedly jerked me around - exactly like this, and I couldn't take going from hot and cold constantly.

I really don't think my H was a rebound at all, we had a really long, slow start to our rlsp and took our time with that stuff, which I'm really still proud about, and then I fell for him over time. He fell for me before I did for him. I wasn't attracted to him physically for awhiel because he's not my typicaly body type. I like broad shouldered men who could have played hs football or wrestling or somethng. He is just one inch taller than I am and very small but wiry man.

I'm going to let Giz know that this undependability is particularliy loathsome and unacceptable now when we get together on Friday because seriously, I've got enough BS in my life right now that I am not going to voluntarily add more cause my plate is already buckling from the load! I've got to think how to get this across effectively without being too preachy or demanding a ton of commitment from him now. That's not what I want, I just want him to know if we are going to date and go out, he'd better follow through because I have enough jerks in my life right now that are causing me anguish (H).

I was looking forward to kissing him as well as just hugging like we have been doing since meeting a few days ago to discuss the D. Got I could use some cuddling and some hot making out so badly. Even though I'm calling him an ex-bf, we never got very deep or serious or even went beyond making out because he would go so hot dating a bunch and great chemistry for ahwile, then <Bam>, he wouldn't call me for weeks and weeks. This killed me because I actually, for the first time ever in my life, thought he was "the one". I've dated more than enough men that this truly means something to me, because never have I had that feeling.

Even with my h, I thought he was great and I Was so happy and in love with him and loved the little life we had created for ourselves, but I never had the deep down, gut feeling he was "the one". This is not to say I didn't love the man I married dearly, I did (using past tense because I am now living with evil H now, not the H I thought I knew), I just never had that soul resonance that spoke to me and told me that he was "The one". Hmmm.

Do I feel somewhat guilty even thinking about dating someone becasue I still want to reunite with my H? Yes, definately. I still want my marriage to work but I feel somewhat "safe" with this man (Giz) knowing that we never got beyond holding each other and kissing, so I don't feel like I will be hopping into bed with every Tom, Dick and Harry or something. This is just one person that I want to see right now, and see what happens, if anything.

We've kind of already talked about the guilt thing already becasue I invited him to be my date to a wedding this August. He kind of paused for a second and said, "Sure, I guess I can go as your friend", because it is a weird situation. I just don't want to go to a wedding alone plus I was his date for another wedding shortly before I started dating my H exclusively, plus, he's a lot of fun.

You know, I never even contemplated dating anyone mid divorce because I still really want to make it work with my H. I am so angry at him that once again, I am being forced into a weird social position because of him! I don't want to have to worry I can't hold Gizmo's hand in public or kiss him or be physical with him in any way that I need to be embarrassed about. I would rather be attending this even with my H and making out with him than Gizmo.

Our MC has not returned any of my 3 calls. I'm getting more than a bit ticked off. I even asked on the last call to schedule a time to meet with her 1:1 to talk about long term for my marriage, because it effects how I will approach the divorce. I still want mediation, even though it's the fastest route, even though he doesn't want it and it would give less time for the DR to work. I just don't want to drag this for 12-16 months for such a short marriage, that's craziness plus it wastes my valuable childbearing years. This is one of those ocassions where I say I honestly hate my H for dragging me through this hell and this process.

We have great sex, the H and I, and god do I miss it. I miss just kissing and holding him. I miss him swatting me on the butt when he walks by and the way he'd look in silhoutte when he got out of bed in front of the window. God, it's been 3 months since we last ML. It feels wrenching physically even to say that, and I so tangibly miss it and him. Oh, not going to cry today, so I won't let myself walk down this pity road tonight, but needless to say I want nothing more than my husband in my bed and me making him so happy and vice versa, WTF is the problem with getting the "status quo" back, dear H of mine?

It is so gd weird living here with him ignoring me. I'm no longer ignoring him but saying an odd "hi" or "bye" or whatever, but not engaging in long talks or anything that might threaten him, and trying to sound cheerful and busy all the time. It sure doesn't hurt that talking to Gizmo on the phone brings out my happy, funny, flirty side and he gets to hear the "old me" back yet again! Also, I'd want him to feel jealous if he thinks that i might be dating someone else. Maybe this is what our marriage needs to rekindle...me letting go enough of the idea of us getting back together by actually going out on a date with someone else, and him realizing he doesn't want to lose me after all? Heck folks, at this point, nothing short of a miracle could get through to this man. Like I said, my h has not only not wavered a bit in his position, but it appears he is getting further and further entrenched in the idea that we are over and done with. To be fair, I have not yet journaled my goals for us as a couple, as Michele writes in the DR, nor have I listed what the "first small step" towards that goal would be, nor have i really officially noted what works and doesn't work with this man, and these are all things I need to be doing to make the DR work better. Plus, I need to re read it, especailly the LRT and put it all into place.

So no, I'm not giving up on my marriage even though I want to go out with my blast from the past, Gizmo, and I actually, honestly think for me in this situation, it might actually hlep my marriage. I've made my peace with the idea of us going out a few times, but that's not to say that I'm ready for a new rlsp or physical intimacy.If you all think I'm just deceiving myself because I'm horny or wanting affection and attention so bad, let me know.