WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 10

[confusedinpa]

Just some more journaling.

A good of a day as it could be in my situation (WAW and just lost my job).

I spent the day with my boys - I made sure it wasn't just all play time as I had my 7 year old do reading and math and worked with my 3 year old on his letter recognition and sounds.

We did play baseball and then basketball and road bikes (they road, I walked to help my 3 year old).

My wife came over about 1:00 PM as I had a meeting with a recruiter. I made some minor chit chat (asked how her back was and how her day was going, etc) before I left for my meeting. The recruiter was this really hot blond, that was about 20 years younger than me, but it really made it a good meeting. We chatted for about an hour and it didn't sound promising as there weren't alot of positions at my level that she was trying to fill, but she did sound like she would be pretty active working on placing me (she was refered by a relative).

When I got back home, my wife was sleeping on the couch. I walked in and just touched her foot. She said she was really tired. I asked what time she went to bed last nite, she said 9PM. She then started saying how our 7 year old was upset that she didn't stay down in the basement with him as he played video games as she was too tired and wanted to rest in the family room. I thought that it was extremely selfish of her as she only had an hour to spend with the boys and she spent it taking a nap (not that I've never taken a nap while they played the past couple of weeks I've had them - it is draining being a stay at home dad).

She then started talking about how her back was really bothering her this morning, but it was starting to feel better now. Then she asked about my meeting.

I left out that the recruiter was a hot blond but tried to sound upbeat and as optimistic as I could without creating a false impression that it will be a no brainer. While we talked, she did move her foot to touch my hand (I was standing as she was still laying on the recliner sofa). I squeezed her big toe a little and brushed the bottom of her foot just to let her know that I noticed, but tried to minimze how I reacted to it. I then thanked her for coming over to watch the kids. Then she asked me to try and crack her back with a hug before she left. I did.

I walked her to her car and I don't remember exactly how it came up, but she mentioned my comment from a few weeks ago (back then she had said that she didn't trust me as I was acting nice and working with her now, but how will she know how I would be if I meet someone in a couple of weeks. I had joked back then about why would it take a couple of weeks to meet someone). She has brought this comment up a few times now over the last two weeks. I did say that I was just teasing her (probably a mistake to say that as I should have just kept it as mysterious). Part of me is wondering if she's doing that to hint that she has or whether it is really bothering her or what. Anyone with thoughts?

I did say bye and thanked her again as she got into her car. As she drove away, I put on my best positive upbeat face as she waved bye and I waved back.

My 7 year old had come up just as I was hugging my wife, so I'm sure that is going to be confusing for him. And he was with me in the driveway as she waved.

I did have a few calls with possibilities, but I just have to wait and see how those pan out.

I'm still working my bar/resturant idea. My current thinking is that if I find an opportunity that I can develop, it would also facilitate me changing my career to be a teacher. The pay isn't what I'm looking for, but I think it will be much more rewarding/satisfying that what I currently do. I'm hoping that by developing the bar/resturant, it could provide a cushion to make up the difference in money that I was getting. I'm still toying with that, but it's the one I'm most excited about.

The boys did a great job today. It was a lot of fun to spend the day with them. There was a sad moment when we were playing in the basement after bath. We were playing with cars/trucks (they are boys, what do you expect). I noticed that there were only a few cars/trucks out so I asked why don't they get out the other cars/trucks. My 7 year old said that mommy had taken them to her place so we can't.

He was sad about it. He said that he will try to sneak some back in his bookbag since they are small and he knows she doesn't want them to bring toys back. I just told him that we will have fun with what we have, and he doesn't have to do that. If there is something he really wants to bring back, he can, but he shouldn't feel like he had to. He said that he and his brother have a few favorite cars that they had been talking about bringing back so he will just bring those back.

He then said that he wants to keep the special car that I had given him there so he has something to remember me with there.

Then he said that he didn't want to talk about it anymore since he was getting sad. I could see him tearing up and holding back from crying as he didn't want to upset me or his little brother. I just gave him a big hug and told him how much I loved him and how proud I was to have him as my son.

If anything through this ordeal, it is bringing me closer to my boys that I have ever been. That alone is priceless. It really hurts even more as I realize how much I missed as I focused so much on the wrong things (things vs. people). But that is all in the past. While my wife may not believe nor trust that my changes are real, that will be her loss. My boys and the people around me will benefit.

Tomorrow is going to be another day!