((((everyone)))) thanks so much for all your thoughts and advice--I just decided to go home to my family as you all suggested. I had an amazing cabbie to the bus station who asked me if I sang every day. I told him from now on I would try--and to dance every day too.
Visiting my family was great!!! My mom had taken some unnecessary furniture out of my childhood room and totally rearranged it. I slept so much better and it's so much more spacious! We had some good heart-to-hearts and also gardened together. My brother and I had some good moments, which made my heart sing because he sort of had been ignoring me for a while, and I was really relieved that for whatever reason he wanted to spend time with me. I went to see my Dad perform for the first time ever--sort of to suprise him. It was so cute, when I arrived he was still setting up, and when he saw that I was there he jumped off the stage with his arms spread wide and gave me a huge hug and introduced me to everyone. His show (he was improvising with a friend on saxes) was great and afterwards we sat in the audience together and chatted quietly about the art exhibit he performed in and the performers after us. It made me so happy to connect to him in a new way.
I didn't really want to leave my parents', and my mom told me she really missed me and asked me why I live so far away, and I told her, I don't know (honestly, it's time for me to get out of atlanta). but I had a plane ticket back to atlanta so I flew back, and going through the airport, I thought, WHY am I back here? I think I am finally ready to let go of this city and what I have here and move on to the next thing. Which is good. Part of me almost wants to leave before the end of june but I think I'm just going to leave at the end of July.
My business is really coming together. I'm getting to the point where I just need to talk to a few designers and pick one who I think "gets me" and they will basically take over the project. There are still some details I'm ironing out but it is OK, and it also doesn't have to be completely perfect (epiphany) to begin!
I'm still really confused about whether or not to go to the school in Boston... I realized I have been thinking about what I don't want and WHY but not so much about what I ACTUALLY WANT. a friend of mine in New York advised me to make a list of everything I WANT to do and think about if anything on that list is something I could only do at the school in Boston or something that going to school in Boston would make a lot easier. I made this HUGE list and realized I have been focused on big picture issues like, do I want more school? more debt? more boston? etc etc but the school-related things I WANT are really simple: to get better at the cello by working with a great teacher and to get better at the cello by playing with people who are really amazing. I'm pretty sure #1 will happen, but after realizing the caliber of students at the school isn't that different from the school I just went to, I'm not sure that #2 will happen. But how else will I participate in a community, if I am not yet done with my training?
Also, I realized that I can't renegotiate the scholarship package because I already tried, but someone else (ie my cello teacher-to-be) probably could do it on my behalf. however, I am really hesitant to do that--because what if he tried and got more money and it wasn't enough and I turned it down? I wouldn't just be turning the school down, I'd also be turning *him* down, which would be really hurtful to him and also possibly to myself. Because he is an amazing teacher and might help me throughout my life. Are there other options or solutions I'm not considering? I've thought about this so much by myself that I wonder sometimes if there is a solution, I just can't see it because I've been introspecting for so long.
I almost thought about moving to new york and then commuting to connecticut (where teacher-to-be also teaches) a few times a month for lessons. I would have no school crap and no added debt, but then, how would I have a community?
It's just confusing because I feel like a path has opened before me to go to this school, but I feel like my heart keeps saying "NO". And this has never happened to me before. And I'm honestly not sure what I'd do instead. But in a way worrying about whether or not to go to school in boston "protects me" from having to come up with a better plan.
KALNI AND ALI-- I didn't even realize that wedding performance had been videotaped! I've never seen it and I'm not even sure which wedding it would have been (basically whenever a friend gets married I play at their wedding) but it actually makes me really happy to think that you have seen me!!! I wish I could play for you in person. I'm thinking about joining FB just so I can see your creations!!!
