Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

[cat04]

Trusting,

You wonder about how they can be miserable but no one knows. The MLCer, whether we like it or not, is a master at hiding the truth. I don't mean outright lies, but I would bet if you thought about your H and what you know about him from the beginning, you will realize that there has always been that "alter ego" that gets presented to the world. That is part of why this throws us for such a loop at the beginning (middle, bomb, who knows when it is that we find out LOL). I have actually gone places with H since the bomb and he had a scowl on his face and refused to speak, until some acquaintance walks up and then the smile and light appear until that person walked away. They are just very good at it and I truly believe it is when they can't hide from those of us who really do know them so well, that the bomb is dropped. Because they don't know what else to do at that point.

The funny thing with OP in these situations, it is when they start to get to close to the MLCer that the R starts to fizzle. They don't know all that is underneath and that is why it is easier for the charade of happiness to be carried out. But none of that can be hidden forever.

I was reading today and I won't copy the whole post here but a very wise woman from this board explained that Satan leads them to think that D will make them happy. But they won't really be happy because they are still with themselves and their demons. Until they face those thing, happiness will always be an illusion. And WE CANNOT do it for them.

Keep working on yourself. You sound like you are doing ok. Yes, we all have down days, but they do come and go. Try not to focus on him so much or guage how every interaction with him is. Just focus on yourself and your kids. If your actions are consistent, he will notice and will become aware, even if you don't think he notices.

And no, they don't sleep well, and then they sleep out of sheer exhaustion. It all gets worse when they leave replay so use this time as training for you because when you truly love unconditionally, then depression and withdrawl stages are total killers because you still can't do anything and it is heartbreaking to watch. It will take more strength than you think you have on most days.

I hesitated to get religious because I try not to push my faith onto anyone, but since you brought up the Hedge of Thorns...Turn to God, He will guide you through this ordeal. As time passes, you will also come to realize that He is trying to teach you what you need to know and He is always there to support you. He will show you everything you need to know as the time is right and He will help you if you let him. The key is to give it to him and NOT take it back. Ask for his strength when you need it, His love for your H, His forgivness. He will also not give you any more than He knows you can handle. That I am more sure of than anything.

When this started, I began praying in a much more personal way than I had for a long long time. I knew I needed to heal things within myself, and as I hit one milestone, he showed me the next wound, until I finally had a strength in myself again which I have needed to get through these last many months. If it weren't for that, I would probably be D now simply because it was the "easy way out" and I had no energy to fight for anything. But that is not what was meant for me and H at the time. The healing time is what I needed. Since then, my faith has been so strengthened, and I have been led to learn lessons that I am so grateful for, lessons of patience, what true unconditional love is, compassion, joy and boundary setting. I have learned who I am by His grace. It was then that changes in H began to surface. But He will test your faith as well.

Stormie O'Martin has the a great book Power of a Praying Wife. I pray from that book every day. Now many of them are my own versions of her themes, but they still work. When I got it, I started at the beginning and went through a few at a time. Then I just opened the book to wherever it landed and it always seemed to pertain to what I wanted to pray for that day. Now, it is whatever pops into my head, as God shows me how to pray for H. And I always always ask God to wrap H is his love and my love while he sleeps.

I can't really talk about my current sitch as it just has to unfold in it's own way, but I can talk of the past some. There will be good days and there will be bad ones. For you both. There will be days you just want to call it quits. You are still focusing on what H is doing although it may not be as much as before. You have to let it go for your own sake. Don't let the teenager bother you. I know it is hard, but you can do it. Don't worry about how long he is gone, where he is, what he is doing. Hard but not impossible. Just observe.

HB once said--you have to be willing to lose it all in order to gain. That is the truth.