Jumping in (1st post)

[Gardener]

Thank you, giving, looking, and Big John. Hi, Big John.

Just spent the longest amount of time w/W since beginning of March (not counting "MC" meetings) 1 whole hour. True.

W wanted to go to diner to discuss going to mediator. Last minute, I asked, "wanna do it here? (home)" She said , sure! I had three basic things I wanted to say, some mine, some telecoach Dottie's. Before she got here I was starting to practice my preplanned scripts then I thought, stop practicing, you know what you wanna say, you'll be fine, this is W/Friend, fer cryin' out loud. So I relaxed around the house 'til she showed and as-iffed it going very well in my mind a coupla times. And decided I'm only going with thought/plan # 1, tonight, saving #s 2 & 3 for future relaxed hanging out chats, which blessedly, is all this hour was.

She brought up mediator, had I given any thought. I said yes and gave looong answer so I could drop in some thoughts and seeds. I said I've gotten some well-intentioned, but lousy advice from some friends/family, as I'm sure you have. Most just wanna end your pain somehow and wind up giving cheesy, non-R-supporting advice. I don't ask anymore. I have several good resources aside from IC that I go to now (that's you guys) for support. But friends/family still offer the old unsolicited advice anyway and since D Bomb last month, it's all rather binary: "Have you tried everything?", on the one hand and the ever-popular cliche of "Just get on with you're life now," on the other. And I immediately think, "well, how about the status quo?" Why only one or the other? There's only two possible courses, here? I never say it, though, just think it. So, I'll say it to you now...why not just let it be for now? I've just recently come to fully accept that you want to end the that R & M that we had (emphasis on the That - that one - , avoiding D word entirely) So I ask you now, maybe it's time for another breather and just live without the whole issue at all for a while? All along you had said "One year, regardless of whatever the outcome, one year of S," so I ask you now, why not stick to the plan and do nothing until December? There's always room for jello, as they say, We can always start the process anytime. Just asking you to consider it, that's all (a phrase she uses often).

She paused and then said, "well where I'm coming from, I just wanna get it all behind me now and get it done". I said,"so you're saying you're just weary of it all, want it to end, I understand." Then she said,"if you could tell me why, give me a concrete reason..." I said, "you want to know more of my rationale for asking this? Well I'm not stalling, hoping you'll change your mind. I understand and accept you want to end that marriage. So do I. It's really ended already, isn't it? I'm working on so many things for me right now and it's exhausting, I don't need another distraction, another issue looming, no matter how amicably we would proceed. Can't articulate any more than that, hope that answered your question somewhat."
W says, "well I suppose we could let it ride at least a month but in the meantime, we could both find out more about mediator process, on-line filing on our own and talk about what we've found in a month. Besides, the whole process will take months anyway, I'm sure."

The old, DB-just-to-save-M me would've been thinking, "YESS!!!" after this.
The new let's-try-to-be-the-best-Gardener-I-can-be (sorry, O'Dog) me quietly thought, 'Well this is certainly going well."

She asked me to go to Radio Shack to begin process of splitting out joint cellphone account and I said, "You don't need me for that, y'know. It's in your name. You have to initiate it before I can do anything," She said" I'know, but c'mon anyway. I'll drive." I replied "Okay, but separate cars." Had a good time looking at RadioShack techy toys, I talked and kidded a lot with one of the salesguys (a big 180 for me) and when they said she had to do it at a Sprint Store we left and she said "Coming with me?" I said 'No, I'm gonna head out " (not home), but I gotta tell you how good it felt to just relax and talk in our living room, and screw around in Radio Shack, Thank you. Take care."

Sorry for the long verbatim post, but for my first attempt at letting go of the outcome, not caring what she thought of my position, trusting without obsessing that I'll DB fairly well (I'm sure I missed a few things), and just attempting a relaxed time w/W (God, do I miss that), it all went so well. And, based on her response to my proposal, I'm assuming (?) she at least has no pressing need to sprint (not a cell phone pun) to the D finish-line.

Feelin' good. I needed that.

Thanks, all. And I apologize that my square-one regrouping in the last few days has precluded my keeping up with and chiming in on your sitches.
I'll be back.