True Love or True Fog? Changing Forums

[Silver Fox]

Hi Ali,

I was getting ready to send out an S.O.S. for some support here! Thanks so much for not giving up on me. Your advice always makes me go a little deeper. Although I still have a very difficult time with the "tough love" vs. "validate and be nice" approach.

Let me address a few of your points:

You seem very involved with work, from your posts and I am curious, was that an issue in your M at all? Did H feel that you made work your priority and he had to fit in around?

Yes, I'm a teacher and very dedicated during the school year. No, it was never an issue - H is a teacher too, which was wonderful - we had plenty of time off together including Xmas break and summers. As a matter of fact, H has told me several times that OW is a workaholic and that is an "issue" for them. Interesting.

"I didn't change my day and I didn't return the call. He never called back."

I know this sounded cold, but, I had a whole day spa girl thing planned! We are told over and over on this board to do what YOU want, get him off your mind, GAL, etc. I sent him a very caring email last week which he did not respond to. So I pick up the phone while I'm having a pedi to hear him ask about the D? Damn!

if my bf ever contacted me, text, email, phone, I ALWAYS responded. I was consistently 'there', which is some advice I got in the early days about men in MLC.. they need reassurance and consistency, they are in a dark place.

Well Ali, with all due respect, was your bf calling to ask you if you'd talked to your L? What are we going to do about the terms? I can't give you all of my retirement? Can't you live in the house one more year til the economy rebounds? Should we just go to court and let the judge decide? Etc., etc.

Yes, he's in a very, very dark place and I do feel for him. I just want to grab him, hug him, tell him to stop this insanity. Lose the OW and let's work our a$$es off to repair the house and our M together. But this is a big pursuing no, no.

I wouldnt write to him in an email "How about letting me know a day ahead next time so we can plan a meeting".. that sounds a little like a critiscism and also, will highlight his shame at being so cr*p and NOT being capable of calling you in advance or being normal in anyway. His life is chaotic and so is his behaviour, perhaps you should accept that.

I must have picked up on your vibes about this one. I did send an email last night but decided to leave out the "call ahead please". I simply said - "Sorry to have missed your call. I had a busy day planned. Hope you're recovering. Will speak with you soon".

It doesnt surprise me that his insurance ran out and THEN he got appendicitis.. I thkn the universe is trying to tell him something and he is certainly being served some hard lessons.

Yes, the universe and karma are quite a team aren't they! He's getting some hard lessons but I don't think he's put 2 and 2 together yet.

The most interesting thing though was when he said "I can't keep imposing myself here (meaning living with OW"... wow.. sounds like the rosey glow has worn off that one then, or their R. It sounds what it is.. he feels, or she has made him feel, like he is "imposing", which isnt love, or a mutual living together arrangement.

I'm glad you picked up on this one. I found it an astounding admission. He probably doesn't even remember saying it though. But yes, there must be trouble in paradise. Afterall, they're in luuuuuv, they're boyfriend and girlfriend. Why would it be an IMPOSITION to live with your soul mate?

Thanks again Ali for reading. I'll also keep your b'day suggestion in mind. Right now I'm very tempted to not do a thing. I was nicey nice/pursuing the last 2 years and look where it got me!