Wow...alot has been going on... I actually went on that date I was talking about..it sorta just happened. The movies. It was nice, and definately boosted my confidence. I thought long and hard about it and decided that it was ok in my situation...that it was a necessary step in bringing back my sense of self worth. The funny thing is that it worked, and I am now DBing without trying. I have been GAL and loving it. Having so much fun and embracing my status...and guess who is coming around??????? H is definately noticing and coming over ALL the time, will not leave (sometimes I want him to and he lingers forever!!!). I am no longer working around his schedule with the kids...he is working around mine. He would take them before and I would bend over backwards to accomidate his sched (just like always in the M) and now I tell him if I have plans that can't be changed. I have not given in on ML...and it has been easier than I thought. And yes, he tries everytime I see him. H got a second job...and has admitted to screwing things up financially, although still wont get into specifics about where our $$ has gone. We have had some open conversations about the R...in a light hearted, friendly way...just referrences to what has happened. For example...yesterday H came to fix my leaky faucet...and he asked about this work project that I was about to start right before the bomb. He asked whatever happened to that and I told him HE happened to it! I told him that I couldn't get on with it at that time and now the opportunity has passed, for now. He apologized and hugged me. It was very sincere...which he has had a problem with in the past. (apologizing sincerely!) All in all, I think the date was a good move. I will not jump into a R right away, and have no desire to. I do think that there is a certain power in taking the moving forward standpoint...and seeing what other interesting people are out there. Afterall, when someone tell you that they do not want to be married to you anymore, you take alot of steps backward in self esteem. When you can remember that there is someone out there that WANTS to be around you and recognizes your worth...you are more prepared to show your S that that is true. That you ARE the person you were before the R and that you are new and evolving also. I don't know if I will go out again with "b" or anyone. And I think that if H came back today (which he clearly isn't anyway) I would have some serious "mojo" in tellin ghim that we should wait and see if we can work on the R first. I am now more scared of him coming back and things going back to the same. I deserve more from him and I am no longer scared of trying and failing...but we have a long way to go and I now realize he has further than I do...it's on him.
