GETTING UN'STUCK'

[MrBond]

25yearsmlc,

"What traits and qualities (not their relationship to yours) do you find so appealing about your wife and how much ego about losing someone is part of this?"

Okay, mind you this is pre-bomb. I found my W's "innocence" appealing. The fact that she was literally this trusting and wholesome person. She became a nurse because she wanted to help others. She also had planned to go to India to help the lepers which I thought was the most unselfish act I had ever come across.

She's a hard worker at her job and although she was very hesitant about having kids, she moved into the role of mother fairly easily. She sacrifices alot of her own time and comfort for the kids.

She may not be the most articulate person, however when she sets her mind to doing a task, she picks it up very easily.

Oh and I also liked the fact that she was one of the few people who can honestly surprise me. It's part of her charm. Of course when she "surprised" me with the OM, that charm went away.

You are right about the mind reading. Although I consider it more as observing a positive action. I make note of that stuff in the journal I keep. In the beginning, everything was full of negatives, now the actions seem to be more positive. So I just jot that down. Do I think she's had a change of heart? Nope. Just going with the flow.

Thanks for the 2x4 though.

[MrBond]

aliveandkicking,

"I actually want to understand more what Stuck is getting out of being where he is? I need to ask myself the same question."

What am I getting out of it? Well in terms of myself, I've grown tremendously in how my actions and emotions can hurt others. I've learned how to better talk to my spouse and interact with them. I've also learned how to compromise and really listen.

In terms of what am I getting out of my W at the moment? Nothing really. But what I am learning from her is how she communicates to me and others. My background is in science and this whole sitch has literally become one big case study for me. When you're testing a medication, you try one and if it doesn't work, you try another. This is just like the cheeseless tunnels that's in DR. So as I've observed my W, I've learned how she REALLY communicates, and it's not what I thought before.

I've also learned that in the end, you have to find the strength in yourself to decide if you want to stay or move on. I think I've learned alot about patience and myself in this process.

"As I said before, if I were her, I would be wondering why someone that together and wonderful would be sticking around for the mistreatment/neglect...that is assuming he is together and wonderful."

Well I am trying my best here to be wonderful. She has been warming up ever so slightly, but is still pretty distant in the intimacy dept. Like tonight, my D remarked that my workout shorts looked like underwear and my W agreed. I told her, playfully, "Don't you wish?" She just gave me a "whatever". After that, the more I thought about it, I realized that she had that attitude towards things of a sexual nature for a while before the bomb. I think it was around when she started getting feelings for OM. She worked directly with him for 5 years.

In fact, even before the bomb, whenever I would compliment her on how she looked or smelled, she would just kind of waive it off as if my opinion didn't matter. What do you think about that? Sorry if that seems like mind-reading, but I just thought about it now.

Well after that remark, she asked if I wanted to have lunch with her and my Ds. It was the first invite she gave me since we physically separatead, so I said sure.

"Sorry to talk about you like this Stuck...but we're here to help."

NOt at all. I enjoy hearing everyone's thoughts to see if I'm on the right path. And the occasional 2x4 is necessary too.

[MrBond]

I'm not sure if all that answered your question as to why I'm here today, but my best answer is that I made a commitment and I'm sticking by it.

I'm not looking at getting anything out of this right now from her. Just getting things for myself by myself and actually learning who I am along the way. In a sense it's my own MLC.

[Coach]

Coach,

when you were going through your sitch with Greek, did you find yourself jotting down all the "positive" interactions you had with her and try to do more of the same? I'm finding out I'm doing alot of that now.

yes, but don't overdo it. Then find new ways to have positive interactions and redefine positive interactions. It might start at any interaction, then she spewed all over me and anger is good ( ), then her body language shows me she is relaxing, then she reached out to touch my arm ............
I wrote down a quote from here from "ishterehope" 9/1/08 that said:

"the people who had success kept a PMA and saw the good in the situation."

I took that to heart and was vigilant about homing in on my goal. Doesn't mean I didn't screw up or got off track. You can handle it.

[MrBond]

Thanks Coach.

I know what you mean about the overdoing it. I've tried toning it down when I catch myself doing it. I try to keep all interactions casual and relaxed.

Do you have any suggestions for a B-Day gift that's "safe"?

[25yearsmlc]

SAFE GIFTS

a condom....(well, it's for "safe sex"...oh wait, that's NOT what you were asking?)
Um, some locks for the windows?...Some Chastity belts...
Extra seat belts/ bullet proof vests/ helmets for every sport...What?

I'm Wrong again?

Heeeyyyyy, what do you mean "SAFE"? I'm confused...

okay, okay, I'm pondering...."safe"...."safe"....meaning no risk?

A gift certificate for music?


Help me out folks... Is there such as thing as a "safe" gift in these situations?

j-

[MrBond]

HMMM. The condom sounds good. I doubt that she'd think of that as pursuing! LOL.

"Safe" meaning something that doesn't seem like pursuing or R. I was thinking maybe a certificate to a day spa. What else do women do to "pamper" themselves?

[aliveandkicking]

Day spa sounds nice to me...

I'm thinking about your last response here to me. I don't like to project, still, as I've said before, I feel like I really get the dynamic.

I'm trying to put myself in her shoes (if instead of leaving, H stayed and started DBing)...I might have been pissed for a while, confused, apprehensive, maybe feel like I was the crazy one...I want to think about what sort of creates a bridge there without you having to hit her over the head with it. In my case, I guess H was GAL but it was just creating more distance between us and I felt more protective and defensive...balance was what I was seeking, I think. Anyway, enough about me. I think you are doing very well. When you get to the point where you can have a sense of humor and relax, that's great. I see time as the main ingredient here. Let's see.

[MrBond]

Well I just got back from lunch with my W and kids. It turned out nice and we talked. I made sure to talk about things that were relevant to her and about her, like what was she going to do the rest of the afternoon as opposed to, what are you and the girls going to do.

I think I've become much more sensitive to that and have changed our conversations towards her. There were times though that she had that downcast daydream look in her eyes again. But oh well.

After I thanked her for the lunch and after a peck on the cheek and a kiss from the girls, I came back to work.

All in all not bad.

[MrBond]

aak,

So do you think she may be in a confused state right now? I do get that vibe from her and I think that she is "trying" but not wanting to re-commit to anything because she felt that we were OVER. Throw the OM in the mix and you end up with alot of crazy emotions.

I guess it would have been easier for her if I was acting like an @$$, but I threw her off with my awesomeness!

I don't know if it makes any sense, but she just seems...empty. I think sandi mentioned that was how she felt after the high of the OM.