I relented and the tub was sold today. Just got $800 cash. He will still be doing the work on the A/C.

Progress...maybe. After a set-back. We talked by phone yesterday morning. It lasted too long and went beyond business. He really wants to get together with an intermediary (IC) so we can get on with co-parenting. It went back and forth, lots of old stuff rising to the surface yet again.

But I finally figured something out (not before me telling him that I don't want to be divorced - I was SO angry at myself for even going there, because I know that I don't want to be married to him anymore, either!)

After calming down, I called him back and read him the following:

Quote:
I wanted to say something. I am not happy with the way I reacted before. But I finally realize what it is about, what it has been about all along.

Divorce is not the way things should be; it is against God’s plan. It is terrible for the kids, and has long-standing effects on them, especially as they go into their adult lives. I see how it hurts them on a daily basis.

I am not like what you experienced on the phone today; not anymore. I can’t even remember when I had that reaction last. On most accounts, I have adjusted very well to the way things are, and am making a good life for myself, happy with friends and family.

But I carry around the knowledge that things aren’t right. This is not the way children were meant to be raised – it hurts them.
And my mind keeps going back to the one thing that would make this right for them – an intact family. I am angry with myself that I keep going back there, like a worn groove in a record, trying to fix what can’t be fixed, for the kids, for the family, for us.

I know that it is not possible, anymore. I don’t want you in my life that way. And I mourn for that, for them. The kids and I are left to pick up the pieces, and make do with second best (or worse – second best would have been if you had died). It will never be right.

If you wanted the best for these children, you should have thought about what the consequences were when you betrayed your wife, and your family. You should have thought about that when you decided you didn’t want to try anymore, even when you KNEW that I loved you and would have done anything to make this marriage work. If you didn’t want a crazy ex-wife, as I suppose you love to see me and make sure to tell everyone I am, then maybe you should have lived up to your vows and made this right in the first place. I bet it’s so much easier to think you made the right choice when I fall apart like that. Anytime that I loose my own struggle in trying to make things right, remember what drives it before you get angry. Things would not be this way, I would not get this way, if you had made other choices. You don’t want effects on your kids? Well, that is just a consequence of your choices.

It tore you apart when I stepped up after the bomb, because you had already given up, and you saw that you shouldn’t have. You had already gone too far. This was a marriage that could have, should have been saved. I am angry about that, but will get over it. My life will settle and I will get past the effects of all this.
I don’t know if our kids ever will.

And that was ultimately your choice.


Not DB, I know. But something that I have needed to say for a long, long time.

Even after all this, he still wants to go to the IC (his idea, not mine). He wants to be friends, be able to do the best we can for the kids, given the situation.

I feel like I have just given up. Maybe that will be a good thing; who knows.

Part of the earlier convo included how he sees me as neglecting him and the kids. Said I tried to get away from them as soon as they were born. Um, I exclusively nursed until they could eat and have regular milk. I couldn't be away from them!
It comes down to this - he married someone who was more than he wanted. He said he wanted a wife and mother. He got, a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend, an artist, a teacher, a community activist, a girl scout leader....I get involved; it's what I do (even when he met me, I was in Student Council, Senior Class, yearbook, scouts, etc.)

I think that the only way that this could have worked, is if I had given up everything. The woman he is with is only a girlfriend and mother. Period. No friends, hates her mother, etc.
I might have been able to do it for a while, but not permanently. And I know that I would not have been happy.

Maybe it isn't even the real reason, but it is enough. Enough for my brain to wrap around. Enough to know that I am not the terrible person he painted me to be. And I hope enough to remember that I don't want that, anymore.