Mojo. The life force. The essence.

[AlexEN]

@AlexEN: I was separated "that way" from 13 Feb to, well, Friday.

It's all a management issue. If you can manage being in the same house, it's...well...manageable. But when things are tense it's a bear.

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I'm floating with the tide into dangerous waters. I'm not being Differentiated today I'm afraid. In other words, I'm not deciding to control my emotions. It's odd, the things you don't notice, and when you do -- pow!

I was dropping D6 off at day-camp this morning, and she was all hinky and uncertain -- not at all like her normal self. I watched S9 find a place for carpet time at his day-camp, and it was the same thing. And I thought -- and then the thought passed -- why are they acting so weird?

Then, 20 minutes ago, I'm eating a sandwich and DUH.

They're putting on brave little faces for WAW. But they're not so brave, and they're not so tough, and they're hurting.

And frankly, that pisses me off like m*thaf*cka. And my Non-Differentiated Self wants to make WAW pay for that. I know I shouldn't. I know that, in the moment, I can't.

But dam how I want to.

I hear you; even if she can't hurt you anymore, how dare she or anyone else f*ck with the kids' heads... It's hard not to be angry about that even if you accept that WAS believes what she believes.

This part is SO much harder coming to grips with than the M being over...

And a piece of it that pi$$es me off is that W has always overpromised to them (and this, I'm sorry if I'm being judgmental, is unlikely to be any different) and so, in our dance of life, I always had to reset their expectations back in the middle... and hence end up being the bad guy.

That's a dance that can't be danced in this, their biggest heartache of all. So, for me, the target will, unfortunately, have to include letting her over-promise and under-deliver without protecting her from the long-term consequences of letting her do so... because I will be there for them with what's Real as that's the Walk I choose...

SP, I have to remind myself that as painful as it is to think about and watch what these events will do to our kids, that, as my C once said to me, there will be a right side and a wrong side of history and your actions today will determine which one it will be.

-AlexEN