Seems to me that the WAS is stuck in anger. Perhaps some of them feel like "You had everything YOUR way all these years while I suffered. I'm finally able to stand up for myself and make you feel some hurt/rejection/abandonment/neglect, and now you're not even going to let me have THAT? HMPH!"
The way I got over my anger toward my H was when I started learning and reading and understanding the forces that HE was struggling against in life. I found those materials (at first, "Sex Starved Marriage," then "No More Mister Nice Guy") and this site on my own. Being able to understand how he was a product (victim?) of his own upbringing helped me loosen my anger and have compassion for him. Then I was open to hearing his words and seeing his efforts as genuine and loving. Until then, I could easily turn anything he did into an act of evil. Poor guy.
I don't know how your WAS' can get access to the books, because I doubt your spouses would be receptive to anything like that coming from you. Maybe a friend of a friend...
