What's it really all about?

[Thinker]

I've changed and I'm everything she ever wanted me to be; but it still Doesn't Matter. Too Much, Too Late

Can somebody crack that code? Cuz it's a killer...I've heard it too.

I get it too. I think we all do.

From my W it comes across as "You were X and did not do Y, and that killed all emotion and love in me. The emotions and attraction are gone. Now you can change all you want and do all you want, but that won't force the emotions to come back in me. We can't go back"

I think our spouses see our changes as attempts to manipulate them. I know my W still sees everything I am doing as one big attempt to convince her to come back and love me. It frustrates her. When I don't stop and revert back to my old normal, she claims that I am not listening to her when she tells me it won't work.

I don't know if there is a standard code to crack, except that consistent new behavior on our parts will slowly become accepted as the new norm by our spouses. It's almost a race - do they accept that first or leave first?