WAW and 4 kids

[tryingtilDorR]

Thanks InLimbo - I agree that it is comforting to see that I am not alone. The amazing thing is that I see many common situations accross these forums - it is like my WAW is cut out of a common mold that everyone else is also dealing with.

I think the key variable, however, is whether or not they are involved in OP. I see a lot of other posts from people whose spouse is exhibiting mostly the same behavior as everyone else but with no obvious influence of OP. In many of those cases I suspect there is an OP but the LBS just doesn't know yet.

I was actually relieved to know that there was an OP, or at least have it confirmed, since it explained so many of my WAW's behaviors and I wasn't grasping in the dark anymore and understood the full extent of our problems.

Your advice is spot on I am now realizing - give up on trying to control interaction with OM. This is what led me to monitor her and I am tired of being a policeman. It is hard on one level, but after all of the agonizing over it over the past six months I realize that it is a fruitless expenditure of energy, and I need to focus on more productive things.

I used to do several things, even after she moved into the other room which I realize are now counterproductive. I would follow her into the room and hug her goodnight - it is something we never did before the crisis even when we were in the same bed. I also was trying to force conversations by asking how her day was, etc. She has said that she wants to go back to how it was 'before' where we were ships passing in the night and otherwise acted like roomates to some extent. I told her that is not the type of relationship I want anymore and have made all of these changes to remedy that, but she just isn't interested (due in large part to OM I believe).

When I size up my situation I see these positive things:

a) she is still in the house
b) she knows her relationship with OM is wrong, even if it is EA only and not PA, although she will try to protest this during arguments (saying that EA does not equal 'affair' or being unfaithful) but deep down she knows
c) her family is very unhappy with her and have been very supportive of me/kids in this whole situation - MIL has said she will 'disown' her if she leaves her family
d) her closes friends know that OM is not right for her and that she is acting kind of crazy
e) she agonizes over not living with kids full time - this is probably the most significant factor keeping her with us now


Outside of all that, my focus is continually turning more towards myself and away from her. It has taken many months and has been a gradual process. I have had the help of my IC as well in this process. My latest personal daily marching orders are as follows:

a) make sure I do my workouts/training/etc to continue to stay in great shape and focus on my physical well being
b) pay attention to friends/aquaintances that want my attention
c) enjoy every second I am around my children and try to make their summer as enjoyable as possible
d) don't ask any questions about OM or make snide comments about it - rise above the issue
e) show her the person she fell in love with years ago and be confident/happy around her - I have tried this for a while but it was always interlaced with OM and R discussions/issues
f) refrain from R talks - our most recent was 2 weeks ago when I talked about a visit I had with a lawyer and how we could negotiate a reasonable settlement that would allow me to keep our house - it was done primarily to show her that I was letting go and starting to think about the end game if it got there and I think she balked a little. Since then I haven't brought it up and neither has she. At the time I told her D was the LAST thing I would ever want, but given where she is at I might as well face reality I told her. She showed more emotion during this conversation than I have seen in many months.

g) remember the vows I made about my marriage before God and the commitment to my children - to remind myself of this I have started wearing my original wedding ring again. After many years of not wearing a ring at all (W used to complain) I had switched to another one several years back because original didn't fit, but now it does again so I am wearing it as a reminder of what I am fighting for.

All I can do every day is think about these points and see where things go.
Like others who post here I am finding this to be the most challenging thing I have had to do in my life - the self-control and discipline required are a heavy burden.