Fire's burning out...just smoldering

[Startingover2]

How did last night go?

[blindsided1]

So, the weekend....hmmm.

Saturday, we had K's 1st birthday party. It was a lot of fun. She looked so adorable in her tutu and birthday hat. She had a lot of fun and there were a ton of people. My in-laws came and had a great time, also. I walked my BIL out and I told him that H had told me that he was M'ing OW. My BIL said, "I don't think so". He said all is not perfect in fantasy land. He lives with them and I guess my H isn't all that nice of a guy....really???? Wow, that's hard to believe...NOT! So, H picked K up around 7:30pm. I wouldn't let him come in. When I walked out with her, he was holding his son and the poor baby was crying really hard. I handed him K and said "let's trade". He said "why?". I just said that I wanted to hold him. His response was "really?". So, I held the little boy. He was cute. I shushed him calm. He was quiet...until H took him back and he started crying again....ha ha ha. That made me smirk a little.

Sunday, I went to dinner at in-laws and H came WITHOUT OW. He was fine, but really grumpy and texting OW the whole time. Boy, she has him on a leash. He left early and BIL and I were talking. I said "wow, he's in a great mood." And , BIL said that he is always like that. He's mean to everyone. I told him that all I really wanted was to have a decent R with him as a parent, for K's sake. He told me that he didn't think that would ever happen, because he treats everyone like crap. And, according to H...everything is my fault. MIL also said that she doesn't understand why he treats me so poorly, but she thinks it's because of the guilt he feels. He has to be mean to me to justify the pain he caused me. I just told them that I had worked really hard to forgive him the initial hurt. But, it's hard to forgive someone who constantly calls me names and treats me so badly.
I left it at that. I'm glad I held the baby. It's a step forward and I KNOW it made my H's head spin. I am trying again to be the bigger person. But, this time it is for his son's sake....NOT his.

Hopefully, I won't have to talk to him for a couple weeks. He's not supposed to have visitation again until the 3rd. That would be his first whole weekend. But, I gave him the option to take her on Friday nights only, each week. He's supposed to let me know.

[Forrest Gump]

"Boy, she has him on a leash. He left early and BIL and I were talking. I said "wow, he's in a great mood." And , BIL said that he is always like that. He's mean to everyone. I told him that all I really wanted was to have a decent R with him as a parent, for K's sake. He told me that he didn't think that would ever happen, because he treats everyone like crap. And, according to H...everything is my fault. MIL also said that she doesn't understand why he treats me so poorly, but she thinks it's because of the guilt he feels. He has to be mean to me to justify the pain he caused me. I just told them that I had worked really hard to forgive him the initial hurt. But, it's hard to forgive someone who constantly calls me names and treats me so badly."

I feel like I should break that down some...

"Boy, she has him on a leash."

Part of me wants to ask the question.. did he feel like that before?

"He's mean to everyone."

Why is he mean to everyone? Is this an outcome of the "stitch" he finds himself in? Does that make him mean?

"He told me that he didn't think that would ever happen, because he treats everyone like crap. And, according to H...everything is my fault."

What happens when you point a finger.. and don't look at yourself?

"MIL also said that she doesn't understand why he treats me so poorly, but she thinks it's because of the guilt he feels. He has to be mean to me to justify the pain he caused me."

Ack.. something stuck in my throat... cough.. O look at that.. it was a big pile of poop.

He treats you that way because all the women in his life.. bend to his will. By the way.. she (MIL) has been a big part of it.

"But, it's hard to forgive someone who constantly calls me names and treats me so badly."

No it is not. You do it all the time. It's that heart of yours. One day.. you are gonna forgive him.. and draw a line in the sand. That is what I hope for. Even if I am not posting.

You smiling yet?

[aliveandkicking]

He treats you that way because all the women in his life.. bend to his will. By the way.. she (MIL) has been a big part of it.

Bingo. Does that make it unfixable? He just goes and finds another woman who will bend to his will?

[Startingover2]

He treats you that way because all the women in his life.. bend to his will. By the way.. she (MIL) has been a big part of it.

Bingo. Does that make it unfixable? He just goes and finds another woman who will bend to his will?

I do think so! He manipulated his mother, his girlfriends, his wife, now his OW, and when she starts to get a backbone he will move on to the next. Same pattern as my exh. But look at the caliber of women he will have to get. Most respectable women will look at his track record and not even go there..he will resort to the weak and lonely women. Maybe in lonely marriages etc.

[blindsided1]

H is psycho

[blindsided1]

I finished up the divorce paperwork yesterday. Sent a text to H telling him that I finished it. He must have called at least 10 times, then a text "call me". I didn't answer his calls and I didn't call him back. I just had no desire to talk to him and listen to his BS regarding the D. So, this morning I am downstairs feeding the dogs and getting K's stuff together for school. I come back upstairs and H has called 8 times. 8 TIMES!!! Then a text "call me asap". I texted back "busy getting K ready for school". He calls. So, I answer. He's mad that I didn't call him or take his calls. Too bad. So, here, I figure he is going to press me about the divorce stuff and I am prepared to answer calmly and briefly and get on with my day. Nope! Sex talk. "So, when do I get my father's day present?" "When are we going to have sex for the last time?" "Don't you want to......?" I hummmm'd and hawwww'd, changed the subject, talked about K, finally told him I had to go. It sooooo does NOT turn me on in the slightest anymore. It's really pretty gross to listen to him talk about sex. It's not at all intimate. It's more.... perverted and just plain yuck. I almost feel violated.
Whatever.
Yes, FG, SO2 and alive...you are all right on. Women do bend to his will. Why? Sure...he's attractive. But, there really is nothing else to him. I think most of it is bullying. He bullies people into doing what he wants and he is relentless. I think that WAS my problem...I would just give in because I didn't want to hear him complain and make my life hell. This is a huge problem...because the more he sees that using those tactics work, the more he'll use them. MIL has done this his whole life. She give in to him EVERY TIME. She created the monster. I also noticed that she does a lot of things that he does. She lies about little things that she really doesn't have to lie about. She hides things from her H. She tells people what she thinks they want to hear and then contradicts herself. She'll tell me one story, tell H another. She asks people to keep secrets. Don't get me wrong....I love my MIL. But, I am thankful that I can see her more clearly, now. I believed a lot in the beginning. Now, I take it all with a grain of salt. I don't trust that family, unfortunately. I kind of feel sorry for my H. He really didn't have a chance growing up. He never measured up to who they wanted him to be. His brother always over-shadowed him and was definitely favored by them. I would not want to be my H in a million years. He doesn't really know what happy is, what truth is, what love is. I wanted to be the one who really loved him. The one to show him what real love was and now, I am failing him, too. I am not really loving him much.

[His Wife]

You have not failed him. You loved him the best you knew how. He just does not know what to do with love that is given to him other than use it and abuse it. He does not understand it or see it as the gift that it is. He seems to think he is "entitled" to it to do with it what he will and has no idea or need to return it. That is a character flaw in him and has nothing to do with you or any other woman he may have a relationship with (other than MIL who somehow instilled this in him with the way she raised him). You need to get over this thought process and now as Kendall will need you to show her how to deal with this when he starts it with her.

Once again, you are being too hard on yourself. It is not your fault or problem to solve. It is his and until he chooses to become a person his daughter can be proud of he will not change.

Let him go and be happy with what you have. None of his actions or those of his parents have any reflection on who you are. Focus on the fact that you are a good person who is loving and kind and has a big heart BUT one who has learned that life is too short to waste all these great qualities on someone who cant see them and cannot appreciate them.

[blindsided1]

Thanks HW. I know that I am still very hard on myself. I want to be able to fix it and I know that it is a character flaw that I cannot fix for him. Because I do still love him, I want him to be okay. I want this not only for himself, but mostly for Kendall. She is going to need me big time to teach her how to deal with her dad when she is old enough to feel the anger and detachment. I can do it. This is one of the blessings that him leaving has brought me....I can see him more clearly for who he is and not constantly wonder why I am not happy with him, like I did during our marriage. I just could not put my finger on what was wrong, then. I just knew something was just not the way it should be. I know what it was, now....him.

[blindsided1]

So, I'm reading and I come across a passage that fits my H to a "T":

"it is the nature of narcissistic entitlement to see the situation from only one very subjective point of view that says, 'My feelings and needs are all that matter, and whatever I want, I should get.' Mutuality and reciprocity are entirely alien concepts, because others exist only to agree, obey, flatter, and comfort-in short, to anticipate and meet MY every need. If you cannot make yourself useful in meeting MY need, you are of NO VALUE AND WILL MOST LIKELY BE TREATED ACCORDINGLY, and if you defy MY will, prepare to feel MY wrath."

Wow. That is SOOOOOO him.