Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

AlexEN,

This is the whole discussion about Caretaking (giving what you want to give) and covert Contracts (giving with expectations of getting in return ) (No More Mr. Nice Guy) vs. Caring (Giving what the other person needs) and True Giving (Giving without expectations).

I do believe that (subconsciously) my fear of getting hurt / abandoned lead me to resist really loving and respecting my W as an independent person. After a lot of deep soul-searching, I can even tell you that my feeling superior (and therefore secure) was part of my selection process for a mate way back when. I now see how unhealthy this is/was and my respect for my W has grown immeasurably over the years (she is definitely worthy of it), but it definitely did hurt her and negatively impact our R and our M.

I also realize now that I used covert contracts - I want her to offer to give me a back rub, so I am going to offer one to her (repeatedly), and then get resentful when she does not reciprocate...

These are both thought patters and behaviors that I have fought to eradicate - somewhat successfully. I'm also now a lot better at loving myself rather than hoping to get it reflected from her.

So I am now a lot more able to offer something, to provide Love, without expecting or needing to get it in return. It's a big improvement in me.

But I'm not finished yet. I still find expectations creeping in, and I still get hurt.

- Thinker