Although your behavior might be undestandable based on your difficult past, that doesn't mean you aren't sick. After somebody raped and tried to murder me, I developed a compulsion to mutilate myself (that I still struggle with). Understandable under the circumstances? Maybe, but that still doesn't make it normal or healthy.
Stop making excuses and find a way to get the serious help you need. You are acting like a masochist.
