K4D Rising #2

[K4D]

Stuck,

The C appointments are Monday nights. It looks to me like there is some progress being made with my W. But maybe I am wrong. I don't think so though.

Again, I know it is a long road.

Kevin

[K4D]

This morning W and I spent about 30 minutes in her bed with D7 each of us on one side. We cuddled with D7 and talked to her and played with her hair and just woke her up real gently together. It was nice. D7 smiled a lot and giggled and would keep her eyes closed while nodding her head yes or no to whatever questions we asked her. It was really cute.

Moments like that are precious.

I'm sure D11 is having a good time at church camp. I'm looking forward to her getting back and hearing all about it. W says she may drop the kids off to me early on Sunday so she can go to a symphony with friends. I said ok. It would just be like an hour earlier than normal.

I also made sure my place was cleaned before W got there. I want to be able to present myself as being able to take care of myself and my place and where the kids are. And I do.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

K - I really dont know where to start. Im starting to think you two do deserve eachother. I dont believe she really respects you.
I think she thinks of you more as a sad, helpless puppy. Like most people it makes you feel good to take care of a lost puppy. Do you like being her puppy? No offense PDT Women dont USUALLY fall for men they have to take care of, BUT maybe that's your guys thing. Maybe that's what worked for you guys.

All I have to say to that type of R is good luck. I personally DONT think a R/M can survive w/o RESPECT.

And by the way, you said you weren't looking to say those things to get your WAW back, but yet you just mentioned your last convo as being a SET BACK. Seems to me that if you were DETACHED and FOCUSING on you you wouldnt consider any of it a set back. Hmmmmm
Still I wonder what is K's motivation. Because I think it has been made perfectly clear by a number of very caring ppl on this board that MANIPULATION WONT work.

*****TIP****** Check out dcsquared's thread "Still have so much to learn" for guidance on how YOU SHOULD BE ACTING.

PMA

[PMA_Baby!]

K - Just saw your last post. For someone in a different situation as you I would say that last post sounds great. Knowing you and your sitch I just see the word "DANGER!!!" flashing in big red letters in my head.

Why because if it was "dcsquared" that posted that interaction I would say wow that sounds great. keep doing what works. Because I know, from what Ive SEEN. that he would play it cool and look at the big picture and keep on detaching. Unlike you he would not necessary "GO ALL IN" (I know you can relate to poker ) with this "new" hand and end up setting him self up for the big fall. I'm afraid that you have way too EXPECTATIONS right now and if your WAW pull's back like she will most likely YOU will get more upset and FALL hard again and say something else YOU will REGRET. Please DONT be that PREDICTABLE to ALL of us who have stayed with you here and just take this as a nice moment and leave it at that. DONT read into this. Remember SHE is still seeing at least one OM and has been very clear with you. Hopefully she is having a change of heart, but I doubt it at this point. I hope I am wrong. But if I am then your C is even more critical so you can fix what broke in the first place. If she is feeling different then she has a lot of things to work on as well.
Not to mention, the "head games" she is playing on your daughters. It really pisses me off to have this stuff taken so lightly. You NEED to SET BOUNDARIES and stick to them. If not for your M for your girls.

Good Luck. PMA

[K4D]

I thought I might be making a tiny bit of progress with W based on last nights conversation. Am I reading things wrong? Is it possible I haven't made any and I just think I have? She isn't angry with me anymore. She is just still uncomfortable spending one on one time without the kids right now. But she did say she has noticed some changes.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

This was a case where she truly would have thought I was an idiot for spending the money or staying at the apartment. I have seen her reactions to people who don't accept her help and she doesn't think to highly of it when she is offering a solution.

WHO CARES!!!!!!!!!!?????????? It is YOUR money to spend as you choose so who gives a flying fig what your W thinks. Again, all your actions and decisions are based around what you think will impress or attract your W the most. Her reactions are HERS to own and you dont need to cater to her to get the reaction you want. Because *all* you wanted was a way to worm yourself into the house and spend a night as a "family" so you can pretend things will be okay (maybe they will, maybe they wont).

All of this could have been avoided if you had met her outside or at your door as we suggested some time ago. She isnt keen on you being in her house so why do you let her in yours? My guess is you let her in so you can show her how clean and neat it is and how awesome you are doing on your own. Again, manipulation and ulterior motives. You should have been waiting at the door with the stuff your W needed and made a hasty exit saying you had plans. That would have created some mystery. Heck, you could have had an overnight bag and said you had plans for the evening and let her wonder exactly where you were going for the night with an overnight bag.

But you let your W call the shots AGAIN so you could do what she wanted you to do and frankly, I think its exactly the invitiation you wanted.

When I was *so* sick last year my H would say... let me come over and walk the dog, let me help you do this or that. I would always say "no thanks, I have it covered and wonderful family and friends to help me out when I need it". I would have been damned to have him come over and play hero so he can tell himself he is a good guy then head to his GF's house.

I'm not sure what you mean by "without giving me what I wanted". At best I am at the point of getting on friendlier terms with her which is further along than where it used to be. And she does think I am getting a life. I guess that equates to me not being so dependent on her so that she can feel more at ease if we are able to work things out down the road.

I still think you are GAL for her to see and not for your benefit. I hope I am wrong but your posts indicate otherwise.

You worry about *her* being at ease. When exactly are you goign to start worrying about *you* feeling at ease?

And all these predictions... "it will take at least 2 yrs" shows you are not detached and so heavily focused on your W. As somebody who is close to reaching the 2 yr mark I can tell you predictions are a waste of mental energy. Especially when she has the gall to tell you about OM (shooting guy) while you are spending time together.

You have expectations this will lead to something (M). Seems to me she just wants to be friends or co-parents at best. If my H ever came over here and told me about an outing w/his GF he would be kicked right out. Its rude.

[PMA_Baby!]

K - We can all relate to that HOPEFUL feeling. That is why we are SUPPOSED to be DETACHED. NOT listening to what our WAS's say and only 50% of what they DO is SO IMPORTANT. Following that logic. Tell me what ACTIONS has she done???

- She invited you over to the house because you AC was NOT working. POSITIVE.
- She laid with you in bed and played with daughter. POSITIVE
- She filed for D. NEGATIVE
- SHe is sleeping with OM NEGATIVE
- She has been very mean and controling NEGATIVE.

The list can go on and on.

All I can say is that I would love for these gestures to mean something. But based on the last 6 mons of interaction I think you both are a long way off from being together again.

Here's a concept. How bout YOU be the stronger one. YOU set the BOUNDARIES. YOU show that YOU DONT NEED her that YOU WANT her and you guys to be a family. That SHE deserves to be treated with LOVE and RESPECT as UNCONDITIONAL as you are ABLE to right now. Show her that YOU are going to be HAPPY REGARDLESS if YOU are TOGETHER. If these gestures are the START of something then you are in a GREAT POSITION to DO things RIGHT this time. Take the Wheel Kevin. Be her champion if she lets you. LEAD your family. I think im definitely jumping the gun here but this is the mindset and MOTIVATION you should have towards her or your LIFE in general.

Keep on doing what your doing if it seems to be working. Now is not the time to STOP but kick it into the next gear and BUILD a new better M/Family if it leads to this. But the BIGGEST thing you need to WORK on is DO ALL THIS with the midset that YOU DONT NEED it BUT YOU WANT IT. Because God will take care of you either way.

God Speed my Brotha!!!

[K4D]

Well, she did let the D get dismissed. This 55 year old guy that she is hanging out with is not the OM that she was sleeping with. I know that she is still in contact with OM. But I’m not sure that the A is still going strong anymore. This 55 year old appears at this point to be a friend. He is married with grown kids and loves his W from what I am being told. They do spend some good time together though. So I don’t know if he is on her list of next guy to try and get with or not. But she isn’t hiding anything about him with me where as she was with original OM and still does as far as she does not speak about original OM. But I have seen a lot of anger die down in her which I would think is a sign that things may not be strong anymore between them. The whole time things were hot between the 2, she was always short and angry and nasty with me.

Also the fact that she let the D get dismissed is a sign that the A is no longer anywhere at the level it used to be IMO. She filed for D to be with original OM. Now granted not to long ago she said that she will be going out with other guys.

Maybe at this point it is just being friends with her or co parents. But she knows where I stand as far as wanting our M and family back together. Probably a big mistake I made earlier on was telling her that I at least want to be friends. But I have made it entirely clear that my goal is for us to reconcile. So she knows that.

An overnight bag? I hadn’t thought of that. I don’t want her thinking I am in another relationship though. And that might present that idea. That might make her feel even more at ease with pursuing someone else. I’m not sure that I want to do that. But I do need to keep up the appearance of having a life as well as actually obtaining one.

I do keep faith that God will restore my M. And that is important to me. I try to stop by the church and pray most days. I try to read the bible more. If I keep faith and work on myself, it will happen. Something FaithfulH said is that a lot of times people give up to early. They don’t want to be in it for the long haul. I am in it for the long haul even if it is and will be painful at times. That’s where detaching comes in so that the pain lessens.

I don’t think that I could ever not care though. I am trying to get to the point where I want her but don’t need her. As the bible says, God’s grace is sufficient. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. But I also know that God’s will is for marriages to be restored and succeed. I only say a 2 year time frame because that seems to be the consensus before really being able to get this back on track. Who knows how long it will really take. But I know it will happen. I can’t see it not happening. She is slowly coming back around, VERY SLOWLY. EXTREMELY SLOWLY. But again, compared to where I was even a month ago, things are starting to approach better terms for us. It may only be the friendship and co parent right now, but that is more than I was even able to get before. It is something to build on. And like 25 says, the kids will be the one bond that we can always share that may give us another chance.

W told D7 this morning that nobody will ever love her more than me and her while we were laying with D7 this morning.

But I understand what you are saying though. I expect setbacks. And I can't be crushed or lose faith when they happen. Right now the fact that I can't even get a cup of coffee with her without the kids is still hard. But it is what it is right now.

Kevin

[K4D]

P.S. I believe me and W deserve each other to. I just am having a bit of trouble trying to convince her of that. Baby steps.

lol.

Kevin

[PMA_Baby!]

No convincing Kev. Dont just read this stuff LIVE IT. BELIEVE IT. NO CONVINCING. NO TRYING. JUST DO!!! BECOME THE BEST KEV U CAN. BE HAPPY U WILL (Said in Yoda's voice) Go to AA and C. Find your inner strength to NOT NEED your W. Want but NOT NEED. Learn what that means. NO more CO-DEPENDENCE.

PMA