Newly separated...spouse left, 4th thread

[antlers]

I'll continue to work on me and be a good dad and a good man in the meantime.

Hey Antler, just checking in on you. Sounds like your getting the hang of this. I don't mean that to sound like it's a learned sporting skill or something, but it's probably the only thing we can do in these situations. We only have control over our own actions.

Hi Astimegoeson.

Thought so too, but then there are setbacks. I am doing the only thing I can do at this point. And I'm doing my best.
I've been getting the kids ready for our vacation . I asked her if she would like to keep the kids friday night, since we're gonna be gone until the following friday...she said 'yeah', that sounds good. Apparently she tried to get hold of me later friday night, while I was working in the garage, watering my flowers and yard, making room to put the car in the garage while I was gone, etc. My cell phone was on the charger, and I was out of the house, so I didn't know the home phone was ringing.
So I get this text from her after I get in bed friday night and she accuses me of leaving the kids with her that night so I "could go out"! She said I just wanted her to think I was being nice by leaving them with her...so I could be manipulative like I've always been...and she said that's why she left and that's why she's never coming back! This is the night before the kids and I leave to go on our vacation.
I just texted back that I was working outside for the past 1 and 1/2 hours, and I just now got in bed!
The following morning she brought them over so we could leave...I already had our rental car packed. I got the snack bags she got for the kids from her. This was the first time we had been face to face in months and months. There was hardly any talking at all between us. I could tell she was pissed. I was in a nice pair of Columbia shorts and a nice Columbia shirt, and sandals. I haven't been in good enough shape to wear stuff like that in nearly 20 years! I looked good and smelled good. She drove off after telling the kids bye, and started to wave back at them because they were waving...and I waved too...so she kept looking straight forward and didn't wave. She texted my daughter later that she was gonna wave more, until I started waving! Anyway, about 15 minutes later while we are on the road, I get a text from her and she says I shouldn't bother to wear my wedding ring because our marriage was over! I was wearing mine that morning but she wasn't. I don't get any of this because our communications have been civil recently...on her part. I don't know what set her off again!
It's now Tuesday night and the kids and I have been in Colorado since Saturday evening. We've been having a blast. Saturday evening we went to the shops at Castle Rock and I bought the kiddos stuff, and we went out to eat Tex-Mex locally. Sunday morning we went to Denver and spent the whole day there. We shopped at Park Meadows, we went to the 16th Street Mall too...and they liked riding the buses up and down the mall, and we went to the REI Superstore. Then I took them to eat at Dave and Busters and they played a lot of games. I bought them a lot of stuff on this 'shopping day'. Monday morning we rode the cog railway to the summit of Pike's Peak at 8 o'clock in the morning. The snow was up to the roof at the Summit House...and it was 86 degrees at Monitou Springs! Then we went to Seven Falls, and spent the rest of the day hiking and boulder hopping at Garden of the Gods. Son wanted to shop on the way home, so we went to Chapel Hill Mall in Colorado Springs. This morning, we went to Canon City and spent the whole day at the Royal Gorge. We walked across, drove across, rode the sky tram across, rode the incline down to the Arkansas River, rode the train, and took lots of pictures. I wore them out! Now wew're back in our room...we just came in from the pool...they've gone swimming every single night of our vacation so far.
The three of us are really having lots of fun.

Saturday evening, I sent the following text to her while we were still on the road...

'I understand that you feel the way you do about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I am remorseful for how I treated you and the kids in the past. And I care deeply for you and our kids. I wish it wouldn't have taken you leaving for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am. Be safe, and enjoy your trip'. (she was going to Texas to see her parents).

Anyway...that's it for now. The kids and I have until Friday morning before we head back home...and there's lots of fun to be had by us!

[antlers]

antlers - I think it's good to recognize your contributions, but maybe what a&k is saying is not to focus too much on that and really the past... and look forward now.

Well, we're not in any physical contact...darn! I know, and believe, that if only one person in the relationship changes...the relationship itself 'has' to change. That's the dynamics of it. I put a lot of stock in what Coach says...and I sure hope he's right!

I was just reading some of Michele's articles and this one follows along with the concept of changing yourself, and the R will change too.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm

I think you're doing well. You are 'owning' your responsibility as you should - just don't take more on than you deserve.

Hi mnt_dreams.

Great country you folks have up here!
I'm just being honest and realistic regarding my situation. I'm not a martyr, and I won't take on more than I deserve...believe me though...I deserve a lot of what she is dishing out. Thanks for the link. If one person changes...then the relationship has to change! That's the dynamics of it.
I hope you're doing OK. I appreciate your feedback and information.

[aliveandkicking]

It is predictable to me that she would find it unnerving and frustrating that you are changing now. She has to find a new role for herself in this dynamic.

You seem to be doing soooooo well.

I liked what you sent her.

It seems that some fear has lifted and you can be honest and authentic. That is so great.

[mnt_dreams]

You sound great! Must be this mountain air...! Enjoy your trip and your children. Your healthy attitude is contagious!

[antlers]

I forgot to mention that we went to the Denver Zoo on Sunday morning too! The kiddos really liked it.
Why would she get mad at me and acuse me of 'going out' for crying out loud?
Aliveandkicking and mnt_dreams...thanks for responding. I will respond to each of you later; we're getting ready for another fun day here right now. I appreciate you ladies (and all who are here and are trying to help and do better themselves), and I hope good things for ya'll. TTYL.

[Coach]

So I get this text from her after I get in bed friday night and she accuses me of leaving the kids with her that night so I "could go out"! She said I just wanted her to think I was being nice by leaving them with her...so I could be manipulative like I've always been...and she said that's why she left and that's why she's never coming back!

Call her on this. She is mind reading and she is blaming you for her own conversation in her head.
"Actually wife I was not being manipulative, I was thinking of you by asking if you wanted the kids Friday night since I understand how you feel about being apart from them for so long. I am doing the right thing for myself. I was not being manipulative if you want to know what I am thinking or my intentions just ask. So next time don't think for me, if you need to know I'll be glad to fill you in.

Listen for her mind reading, her using phrases like - you always, you never, I do everything, you do nothing etc. and correct it when you hear it. You can change emotions by changing thoughts.

'I understand that you feel the way you do about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I am remorseful for how I treated you and the kids in the past. And I care deeply for you and our kids. I wish it wouldn't have taken you leaving for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am. Be safe, and enjoy your trip'. (she was going to Texas to see her parents).

Honest and open from you. That felt good didn't it?

Cheers

[aliveandkicking]

Why would she get mad at me and acuse me of 'going out' for crying out loud?

IMO, Because she is suspicious and untrusting and you have adamantly insisted over and over that you understand that and feel she is justified.

But, it is not based on current reality, is it?

[futureunknown]

Antlers, this is all good. Good for you!

I detect a power change happening in your situation. You've got her all flustered. Her angry behavior and snippy attitude CLEARLY show that you are still totally in her head. She's really angry about the past, you yourself have admitted she has reason to be angry. Just let her keep processing that anger. I think your text to her was perfect. Keep being the great guy you're being. Like I said before, your W might try being nice to you at some point, but realize it's a test. She has seen you consistently behaving differently, but that's with her gone and angry. She might try to test that consistency by changing her act a little bit. Maybe try being nice, or even purposefully bring up something she KNOWS really bugged you in the past, just to see that old you peak out and she can say to herself (or maybe even out loud to you) "See, there he is! I knew this was all a big show!"

Puppy said something profound in a post recently that struck me, and I think us LBS's should really take it to heart. He said something like

"We're told to believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do. If we don't believe they're thinking the same thing about us, we're fooling ourselves."

[antlers]

It is predictable to me that she would find it unnerving and frustrating that you are changing now. She has to find a new role for herself in this dynamic.

You seem to be doing soooooo well.

I liked what you sent her.

It seems that some fear has lifted and you can be honest and authentic. That is so great.

Hi aliveandkicking.

I feel like I'm doing pretty good right now, especially under the circumstances. I appreciate you saying so. Thanks for saying you liked what I sent her too! I liked it too! It was straight from the heart. And I meant every word of it.

You doin' OK?

[BigJohn]

So I get this text from her after I get in bed friday night and she accuses me of leaving the kids with her that night so I "could go out"! She said I just wanted her to think I was being nice by leaving them with her...so I could be manipulative like I've always been...and she said that's why she left and that's why she's never coming back!

Call her on this. She is mind reading and she is blaming you for her own conversation in her head.
"Actually wife I was not being manipulative, I was thinking of you by asking if you wanted the kids Friday night since I understand how you feel about being apart from them for so long. I am doing the right thing for myself. I was not being manipulative if you want to know what I am thinking or my intentions just ask. So next time don't think for me, if you need to know I'll be glad to fill you in.

Listen for her mind reading, her using phrases like - you always, you never, I do everything, you do nothing etc. and correct it when you hear it. You can change emotions by changing thoughts.

'I understand that you feel the way you do about me. I feel the way I do about you. I want a new marriage, but I want it to be with the mother of my children...you. If you divorce me, then we will go our separate ways. But I am remorseful for how I treated you and the kids in the past. And I care deeply for you and our kids. I wish it wouldn't have taken you leaving for me to become a better man, a better father, and a better partner...but it did...and I am. Be safe, and enjoy your trip'. (she was going to Texas to see her parents).

Honest and open from you. That felt good didn't it?

Cheers

Dittos on the text. Nice job.